Let’s fast forward to the day before I bleed. I wake up and I feel the blinding headache ready to morph into a full blown migraine. My only motivation to get out of bed to to pop 600mg of Ibprophan before my head explodes. I swallow down the 3 pills with a mangy cup full of pipe stagnant water but I give zero fucks to whether the cup is clean or if the water is tasty. My thundercloud follows me back to bed but my angels on earth pounce on me and reminds me why I need to get up today. I am welcomed by snuggles, love, laughter, and kisses. I am blessed, truly. My thundercloud waits in the wings. My committee of assholes has been temporarily silenced. Then I am hit with the reality of everyday life. It is time to get the kids ready for school.
I put my hair in the messy bun, throw on some clothes, and remind myself to brush my teeth and I was neglectful last night after my sauce and cake binge. A sugar hang over feels like I want to throw up, cry, and do it all over again so I cannot feel. Like any addict I want the fix. Sugar for me has the magical ability to temporarily give me a high so I don't have to deal with emotions. As I head down stairs I hear the familiar committee of assholes in my brain. "Today is Monday, you know what that means you fat fuck. You can't even move down the stairs without pain because you're so fat..." I don't have the energy to silence them today. I merely mumble, fuck off under my breath. I go downstairs and I see the pile of dishes from last night, I am instantly filled with resentment and rage. A tidal wave of memories come flooding back of any relatable resentments. Like little vignettes the stories play out in my mind only adding to the PMDD fire. I want to snap, I want to run away, I want to be in a cave and hibernate like a mother fucking momma bear. I hear Rhys ask for breakfast I have to remind myself that he is not to blame. I turn around and I say what do you want my dear. He clings onto my leg like a sloth as I prep his breakfast with a literal weight tided to my leg. I make myself a cup of tea and I sit. I watch the world around me and resentments, rage, committee of assholes, and my thundercloud occupy my thoughts. I know this isn't me, I know this is temporary, I know I am bigger and better than this but it drags me down into the depression rabbit hole.
I walk my sons to school in hopes no one sees me so that I do not have to make conversation. I don't feel I can lie at this point if someone asks me how I am doing I am likely to burst out into tears. It is best to leave early and be stealthy. I get back home with my 4 year old and I look at my house and think fuck I have so much to do. I try to write out a to-do list to keep my hands and mind busy. I think about how I am going to exercise my body today with out too much input from the committee. I think about how I want to eat as healthy as possible so I don't exacerbate my symptoms. And then I hear it, a song, someone sent me a song that reminded them of me. The song is True Colours by Cindy Lauper. I burst into tears, good tears. It is a reminder that I am loved however, my committee, has other plans. I am flooded once again with self deprecation. I attempt to rip myself out of it by doing some dishes when it hits me. "You should just kill yourself you know." There it is; the evasive suicidal thoughts that I cannot control. I have zero desire to act on them, but they scare the fuck out of me. I sit on the ground with silent tears flowing down my face. My four year old comes over and sits on my lap and says don't cry mommy. I cry harder of course and hold him close. He asks what is wrong and I say sometimes I get sad, and its ok. He sits with me and holds me with his cute little fingers playing with my tears. I tell him thank you for the hug, it always feels nice to get a hug. I then force myself to be completely present during a rousing game of charades. I am telling you watching a 4 year old act out a snake is the best therapy you can ever imagine. As my day progresses from doing chores, crying, internal rage, screaming into my pillow, and playing with my son I get moments of clarity. I think to myself, no more of this bullshit. I need to take better care of myself. But anyone who deals with depression the fight is neither easy nor comfortable. I struggle between the light and dark. I see my thundercloud I see my committee of assholes and I think they are not me. They follow me.
What the fuck did I just read? PMDD is like PMS but on steroids. What a headache is to PMS is a migraine to PMDD. There are similarities but both PMDD and migraines take on a life of their own. They are debilitating. Here is what web MD says about PMDD:
Symptoms of PMDD include:
- Mood swings
- Depression or feelings of hopelessness
- Intense anger and conflict with other people
- Tension, anxiety, and irritability
- Decreased interest in usual activities
- Difficulty concentrating
- Fatigue
- Change in appetite
- Feeling out of control
- Sleep problems
- Cramps and bloating
- Breast tenderness
- Headaches
- Joint or muscle pain
- Hot flashes
- Suicidal invasive thoughts
First of there is no cure. Treatments include: the pill to regulate hormones, anti-depressants, exercise, good diet excluding processed foods, wheat, sugar, alcohol, and caffeine. A supplement cocktail including b6, b12, magnesium, evening primrose oil, macca root, iron, vitamin D and so on. It is also suggested some cognitive behavioral therapy, counseling, and of course support. Lately, the antidepressant route is not working anymore and I am seeking alternative therapies. The last a final treatment for PMDD is a hysterectomy. I will be discussing this option with my doctor.
For years I didn't; think much of it as I thought it was normal and ever woman went through it. It wasn't until I started taking the pill that I realized that this was bigger than me. I am in a transition phase from one treatment to another. It is always a time of turmoil and grief. I have an incredible about of guilt for the chaos I have caused around me. I know I shouldn't feel guilty but anyone who knows me, knows that I am a big ball of light the other half of the month. I'm a Jekyll and Hyde character with PMDD. .
Today was a particularly bad PMDD day and I decided to do something different. I posted on Facebook for help and I was blown away at the kindness and generosity. I plan on thanking each person individually and I have screen shot pages of responses and have saved them for the next time I am in the throws of PMDD. Thank you so much for the support. I am inspired to start up a PMDD support page on FB and blog the shit out of my impending recovery.
“If
you’re feeling helpless, help someone.”
