Eating Disorders and Hiking

Pre-kids I was a bit of a hiker. I have scaled most of the North Shore mountains in Vancouver and up the sea to sky highway. I have tackled a few in the Fraser Valley and have a hike bucket list as long as the eye can see. When I had kids naturally this was put on hiatus but recently, its come back with a vengence. Last summer with my sister in law Robyn I did Garibaldi 50kmin 3 days. One of my biggest hiking accomplishments. This year I want to do Wedgemount in Pemberton just North of Whistler. I am very good at setting goals and trying to accomplish them. When completed, I get an overwhelming sense of confidence and willingness to do and learn new things. Here's the rub...

I feel like an imposter.
.

im·pos·tor

imˈpästər/

noun

noun: impostor; plural noun: impostors; noun: imposter; plural noun: imposters

a person who pretends to be someone else in order to deceive others, especially for fraudulent gain.

 

Why do I feel like an imposter? I don't feel like I belong there. I love nature, I love the mountains and the forest, I feel so at home there but I don't feel I belong because of the committee of assholes in my head tell me I don't belong there.  I don't look the part. All the hikers I have ever come across on the trails have always said hi and shared a few friendly words but when I speak with them I feel like I am not a part of their group. Why you ask? Here is what my committee of assholes tell me:

You're too fat

You don't look like a hiker because you can't buy hiker clothes as they don't come in your size

You take longer than the others

You are winded a lot

You are beet red and sweatier than anyone else you have seen

When people stop to chat people look at you wondering how the fuck you'll ever reach the top

Don't eat in front of people at the top, they will judge

How would you get off the mountain if you were hurt? You are too fat to carry down.

The list goes on...

 

Hiking is supposed to be my safe place but lately I have had intrusive thoughts. I go to the mountains to clear my head and get spiritual  and get grounded. My eating disorder follows me everywhere. It morphs, it changes, I have to be constantly vigilant. It rears its ugly head when I least expect it. 

So to ED (eating disorders) fuck off to you and your shitty committee of assholes. Fuck off to finding my one sacred place where I am supposed to be untouchable. Fuck you to judging me and others. And lastly, fuck off ED you are not welcome on my hikes any longer.

Hugs & Shit

The Momma

                                                        Hike like Colton... judgement free