"What do you mean, I have been here the entire time."
10 Thoughts on a Fat Girl's Weight loss Journey - Careful, it is not what you expect...In fact the title is a eye catching rouse.
1) If I lose this weight, it is for me and no one else. Well, for my kids too. So I can see them and not die. Not what you were thinking... Not for the shame I could bring them as fat mom drops them off to school. Not for the lowered doormat expectations that comes along with being a fat mom. Terribly hurtful fucking stereotypes deserving of an adverb and an adjective and an expletive. It's for my kids so I don't die from a mental affliction that people don't fully understand and love to judge harshly. But first and foremost, me, only me. Sound selfish? Good. It is the one supremely selfish thing I will do in my life. A fat girl should not feel guilt for loving herself as she is. How else do yo move forward?
2) If you don't put out he will find it somewhere else. Wait, if he doesn't put out, I'm going somewhere else. Why does that sounds assinine but the first statement does not? Why do I think of this horrible shit?
3) What will happen when I lose the weight? Will people treat me different? Of course they will, but just the assholes. Hang tight honey, losing weight is scary as fuck.
4) What if I fail and gain it all back? Here come the comments, the whispers, the I told you so's, the unsolicited advice. The try gastric by-pass, try the atkins, try crossfit, try PX-90, try south beach, try weight watchers, try thinspiration, try what does not work. I say try happiness, try joy, try love. Try anything but beating yourself down resrticintg your soul and having expectations though glasses of undesirability is not conducive to any sort of subsiding the mental obsession. Try releasing resentments, fears and gain hope and faith. Faith in anything. Faith that tomorrow is going to happen is the same faith I put into knowing my time has come to deal with the world in a manageable way for me. Not through food. Food is a conduit to feeling shitty. An emotion I has grown accustomed to, addicted to.
5) Clothes are fucking expensive
6) This is not easy, I struggle hard. I struggle with food and emotions daily. I struggle with the world around me that does not get me. But I stopped. I stopped the struggle. You don't have to get me. You say words that are so foreign to me now like calories in calories out and lifestyle change. Lifestyle change is the new it phrase. Dieting out, lifestyle change in. What it really is and lets call a spade a spade here... its learning to deal with the mental obsession. It is a change from within. It a rewiring of the synapes in the brain to untrain the the knee jerk reaction to numbness and seeking a next fix. Or the go to emotion of beating yourself eternally which seem to go hand in hand. Lifesyle change... snuh. Its an overhaul of the mind, body and soul. Cliche enough for you?
7) Standing in front of the mirror at size 14 or 24 I hated myself just the same. I thought the magic behind this whole thing was I will love myself when... When? WTF
If I just lose the weight I will be happier
I will love myself when the weight is off
I will be deserving of love when the weight is off
I will seek out external sources of happiness until I lose the weight
I will climb that moutain when I lose the weight
I will stop cutting myself when I am skinnier
I will stop chewing my food and spitting it up just for today, I promise I wont do it tomorrow
Wait... tomorrow is not Monday, I'll stop on Monday
Monday is a day
weight is a number
calories is energy
hate is damaging
love is uplifing
8) If you sit there and judge others you are not there my love. First place to start. Release judgement everywhere. You will find this freeing and gives you so much more time to think about other things. I know this well. I used to judge, hard. When my mind goes back to that old behaviour it is my best warning bell... to hate myslef. It is the best spoiler alert in the world. My judgements are a preamble to diseased behaviors and explosive eating. If I judge, I will eat.
9) I refuse to appologize for my place in this world.
10) This is my lot. I will probably always struggle with this on some level and that's ok. The healing just makes me more awesome and more kick ass then the day before. I'm fat and who knows where I will be in a year from now. I have no expectations on what happens on the outside. I just expect the world on the inside.
Hugs & Shit
The Momma
