So what changed when I was 25? Well, I broke off a 7 and a half year relationship, I moved out with two super fun roommates, I had lost a significant amount of weight (In a completely horrible way), and I was finding myself. I was still depressed but saw the world in a new and elevated light. It was like I was temporarily lifted from my fog and saw life's potential. It was such a gift. I was quickly brought back down by hormones, food addiction, and wanting familiarity but I saw how life cold be different. So I actively sought it out.
One day at a coffee shop I came across the Tri-Cities Holistic guide and skimmed through it and saw an eating disorders counselor listed. I thought nah, I don't have that do I? I pondered on it for a bit and thought I do some pretty fucked up things with food. In the same month was at the library and saw an Alcoholics Anonymous big book and thought why the hell don't they have something like this for food addicted people like me? Little did I know Overeaters Anonymous was just on the horizon. This was the universe's way of guiding me for I had saw a glimpse and for that I am forever grateful. I attended a "Free the Heart" workshop which absolutely blew my mind. I felt and gave unconditional love to complete strangers. I listened to their stories and they listened to mine with complete love and with no judgement. I was given the gift of foresight to what my world could be like. I was hungry and I wanted it like nothing else I have ever wanted. I sought out people who had this magic about them and I emulated them. I wanted what they had so I called up the phone number in the holistic guide.
Shelley Jensen was the lady behind the phone number. Our first phone conversation was one whole hour and I was instantly connected with her. She had what I wanted and she knew how to get it without weight watchers or Jenny Craig. I had to see her! Shelley and I saw each other for the next 6 years and she taught me things about spirituality, fixing the inside problem, nutrition, unconditional love, and coping skills. Shelley had the same story I did. She was the beacon at the end of the tunnel. Thus began the hard work towards my happiness.
I had my first son, Thing 1, and I suffered from postpartum depression. I knew it was coming. I was a prime candidate. I tried antidepressants at that time but they made me feel even crazier. I took myself off and was scared at having to rely on it. I called the Pacific Postpartum Society and they were a life saver. I had weekly calls with a counselor and they made me feel like I was not insane. My doctor referred me to a program called "Bounce Back" through the Mental Health Association. I received cognitive behavior therapy via workbooks and more phone counseling sessions. It was amazing! It really helped me deal with anxiety and how to cope in everyday life. I still have the workbooks and still reference them to this day. In that same year I discovered Overeaters Anonymous. This was another life preserver on my journey. I still go to meetings and work on the 12 steps. It was the spiritual breakthrough I was needing and looking for. At OA I met some of the most courageous people in my life. People who found recovery from eating disorders. This was astonishing.
I had Thing 2 and my depression took a turn for the worse. This time I decided I needed medical intervention. I started to take Zoloft, an antidepressant; it was the kick start I needed to continue on my happiness journey.
Through all my hard work and allowing the universe to guide me I discovered I will always have to work at this, depression is a fickle fiend. BUT I am in the happiest place I have ever been. I am happier now then when I was at my smallest. I thought it was not supposed to happen that way. I thought if I lose the weight I would be happy. I had it all backward. If I cannot accept my body at any size then I will never accept it. I have sought out exercise not for weight loss but to feel healthy, get better sleep, and to help fight depression. It took me years to seek out physical activity again. If I was in the old head space, this gym thing would have faded out of my life pretty quick. I now have happiness and self-love behind me, the most amazing driving force. Happiness and joy has been my motivation and my new fuel for life.
Where am I now? I still see Shelley from time to time. I do online OA meetings, I still work the 12 steps to the best of my ability, I am at service to others, I went publicly naked at a Korean Spa, I reference the Bounce Back program workbooks, I watch less TV as I know it contributes to my depression, I take long walks, I seek out people who get me, I don't gossip, I don't eat perfectly, I seek out feeling good. I take care of myself now. My road to recovery has been gloriously imperfect. I have learned that the universe has got my back, it is ok to cry because there are wisdom in those tears, It is ok to feel and that I am not going to fall apart and if I do someone is there to help, I now live in the moment the best I can, I surrender my anxiety to the universe and it gladly accepts it, I create, I write, I love, and I try to do all of this so imperfectly.I have been on on this seeking happiness journey for almost 12 years now... I am not done, I have some much more to be happy and grateful for.
The benefits? I am a better mom, wife, person. I care and love more than I thought possible. I am no guru, I am not super special, I am a woman who decided enough was enough, I deserve happiness god dammit! and so do you.
Hugs & Shit
The Momma
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