I was leaving strong start today with Thing 2, Blennifer, and Bladi when...
- Bladi went missing but was found 6 feet from where we were standing within plain view.
- Thing 2 was losing his mind because he needed apple juice
- A stroller toppled over with no baby in it
- 4 toddlers were plotting their escape plan while the door was open
- someone tripped on something
- Food fell on the ground
- A Baby cried out
- Thing 2 farted
- And I was trying to have a conversation with an adult
- This all happened in the span of 10 seconds.
Second Moral of the story: Life in all its glory is fucking hilarious.
Now for something completely different...
I normally go to the gym on Mondays and Wednesdays but my schedule is all mucked up this week. So I decided to go for a nice walk and workout at the outdoor gym at the park across the street from me. Sound plan right? I did some speed walks up and down hills, I did some speed walking on the paths, I went to the outdoor gym to lift and stretch etc... The night was beautiful, the night was warm yet had a cool breeze, it was twilight my favorite time of day, nothing could get more beautiful or glorious.
But it all was not. In my mind I could not deal with exercising outside. It was fucking with my brain. I was judging myself hard. There were so many softball games and soccer games happening all around. I kept thinking about how inadequate I was and how if someone looked at me they must thought holy shit, she needs to workout. I had gotten myself into such a tizzy. After all the self ass-kicking I took myself to the middle of the grass field and lay down. I looked up and the dimming sky and had a cry. I knew my brain was creating a false reality. I knew it was my eating disorder taking a piss. The eating disorder was doing everything in its power to bring me down so I can then literally and figuratively feed myself. I have been down this road before, it is a familiar place.I had not been there in a while but there it was. I picked myself up off the grass and texted my pal Blennifer. I invited myself over to her place and I am so glad I did.
Blennifer reminded me of all the things I already knew but could not see. That other people's opinions of me is none of my business and that my thoughts are hijacking my reality. Brilliant. Thank you Blennifer. It is amazing to see how my intellectual mind gets assimilated by the eating disorder with non-helpful self-destructive self talk. Generally I consider myself a pretty confident person but once in a while my committee of assholes get the best of me and I need to shut that down. I used to have daily episodes of this self destruction and I am so glad to say I rarely feel this way now. But when it rears its ugly head I know it is time for me to take notice and keep on my road to recovery. One day at a time.
Thank you Blennifer. <3
Hugs & Shit
The Momma
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