Today I ate a couple handfuls of chocolate chips. I planned on baking some muffins a few won't matter. Today I ate half a bag of chocolate chips. The only thing holding me back was I started to shake from the sugar. My brain said fuck it. Who cares. And even though I tried to flush the rest I ate more until there was only a quarter of the bag left. Today I ate 3/4 of a bag of chocolate chips. I tried to throw the chocolate out but I kept thinking how garbage doesn't stop me. I kept eating. Today I ate an entire bag of chocolate chips. I shake from the sugar. My mind is clouded, sad, and filled with regret. I think of all the hard work I have put in and I just opened Pandora's box. Today I ate an entire bag of chocolate chips. The bag in the house that I convinced myself I could handle and bake something with it. Slippery slope. Today I ate an entire bag of chocolate chips, I might tomorrow but I won't for the next 5 minutes, that's all I can give
Hugs & Shit
The Momma
Monday, 18 January 2016
Tuesday, 29 December 2015
10 Rambling Thoughts on a Fat Girl's Weight Loss Journey
"You are getting there."
"What do you mean, I have been here the entire time."
10 Thoughts on a Fat Girl's Weight loss Journey - Careful, it is not what you expect...In fact the title is a eye catching rouse.
1) If I lose this weight, it is for me and no one else. Well, for my kids too. So I can see them and not die. Not what you were thinking... Not for the shame I could bring them as fat mom drops them off to school. Not for the lowered doormat expectations that comes along with being a fat mom. Terribly hurtful fucking stereotypes deserving of an adverb and an adjective and an expletive. It's for my kids so I don't die from a mental affliction that people don't fully understand and love to judge harshly. But first and foremost, me, only me. Sound selfish? Good. It is the one supremely selfish thing I will do in my life. A fat girl should not feel guilt for loving herself as she is. How else do yo move forward?
2) If you don't put out he will find it somewhere else. Wait, if he doesn't put out, I'm going somewhere else. Why does that sounds assinine but the first statement does not? Why do I think of this horrible shit?
3) What will happen when I lose the weight? Will people treat me different? Of course they will, but just the assholes. Hang tight honey, losing weight is scary as fuck.
4) What if I fail and gain it all back? Here come the comments, the whispers, the I told you so's, the unsolicited advice. The try gastric by-pass, try the atkins, try crossfit, try PX-90, try south beach, try weight watchers, try thinspiration, try what does not work. I say try happiness, try joy, try love. Try anything but beating yourself down resrticintg your soul and having expectations though glasses of undesirability is not conducive to any sort of subsiding the mental obsession. Try releasing resentments, fears and gain hope and faith. Faith in anything. Faith that tomorrow is going to happen is the same faith I put into knowing my time has come to deal with the world in a manageable way for me. Not through food. Food is a conduit to feeling shitty. An emotion I has grown accustomed to, addicted to.
5) Clothes are fucking expensive
6) This is not easy, I struggle hard. I struggle with food and emotions daily. I struggle with the world around me that does not get me. But I stopped. I stopped the struggle. You don't have to get me. You say words that are so foreign to me now like calories in calories out and lifestyle change. Lifestyle change is the new it phrase. Dieting out, lifestyle change in. What it really is and lets call a spade a spade here... its learning to deal with the mental obsession. It is a change from within. It a rewiring of the synapes in the brain to untrain the the knee jerk reaction to numbness and seeking a next fix. Or the go to emotion of beating yourself eternally which seem to go hand in hand. Lifesyle change... snuh. Its an overhaul of the mind, body and soul. Cliche enough for you?
7) Standing in front of the mirror at size 14 or 24 I hated myself just the same. I thought the magic behind this whole thing was I will love myself when... When? WTF
If I just lose the weight I will be happier
I will love myself when the weight is off
I will be deserving of love when the weight is off
I will seek out external sources of happiness until I lose the weight
I will climb that moutain when I lose the weight
I will stop cutting myself when I am skinnier
I will stop chewing my food and spitting it up just for today, I promise I wont do it tomorrow
Wait... tomorrow is not Monday, I'll stop on Monday
Monday is a day
weight is a number
calories is energy
hate is damaging
love is uplifing
8) If you sit there and judge others you are not there my love. First place to start. Release judgement everywhere. You will find this freeing and gives you so much more time to think about other things. I know this well. I used to judge, hard. When my mind goes back to that old behaviour it is my best warning bell... to hate myslef. It is the best spoiler alert in the world. My judgements are a preamble to diseased behaviors and explosive eating. If I judge, I will eat.
9) I refuse to appologize for my place in this world.
10) This is my lot. I will probably always struggle with this on some level and that's ok. The healing just makes me more awesome and more kick ass then the day before. I'm fat and who knows where I will be in a year from now. I have no expectations on what happens on the outside. I just expect the world on the inside.
Hugs & Shit
The Momma
"What do you mean, I have been here the entire time."
10 Thoughts on a Fat Girl's Weight loss Journey - Careful, it is not what you expect...In fact the title is a eye catching rouse.
1) If I lose this weight, it is for me and no one else. Well, for my kids too. So I can see them and not die. Not what you were thinking... Not for the shame I could bring them as fat mom drops them off to school. Not for the lowered doormat expectations that comes along with being a fat mom. Terribly hurtful fucking stereotypes deserving of an adverb and an adjective and an expletive. It's for my kids so I don't die from a mental affliction that people don't fully understand and love to judge harshly. But first and foremost, me, only me. Sound selfish? Good. It is the one supremely selfish thing I will do in my life. A fat girl should not feel guilt for loving herself as she is. How else do yo move forward?
2) If you don't put out he will find it somewhere else. Wait, if he doesn't put out, I'm going somewhere else. Why does that sounds assinine but the first statement does not? Why do I think of this horrible shit?
3) What will happen when I lose the weight? Will people treat me different? Of course they will, but just the assholes. Hang tight honey, losing weight is scary as fuck.
4) What if I fail and gain it all back? Here come the comments, the whispers, the I told you so's, the unsolicited advice. The try gastric by-pass, try the atkins, try crossfit, try PX-90, try south beach, try weight watchers, try thinspiration, try what does not work. I say try happiness, try joy, try love. Try anything but beating yourself down resrticintg your soul and having expectations though glasses of undesirability is not conducive to any sort of subsiding the mental obsession. Try releasing resentments, fears and gain hope and faith. Faith in anything. Faith that tomorrow is going to happen is the same faith I put into knowing my time has come to deal with the world in a manageable way for me. Not through food. Food is a conduit to feeling shitty. An emotion I has grown accustomed to, addicted to.
5) Clothes are fucking expensive
6) This is not easy, I struggle hard. I struggle with food and emotions daily. I struggle with the world around me that does not get me. But I stopped. I stopped the struggle. You don't have to get me. You say words that are so foreign to me now like calories in calories out and lifestyle change. Lifestyle change is the new it phrase. Dieting out, lifestyle change in. What it really is and lets call a spade a spade here... its learning to deal with the mental obsession. It is a change from within. It a rewiring of the synapes in the brain to untrain the the knee jerk reaction to numbness and seeking a next fix. Or the go to emotion of beating yourself eternally which seem to go hand in hand. Lifesyle change... snuh. Its an overhaul of the mind, body and soul. Cliche enough for you?
7) Standing in front of the mirror at size 14 or 24 I hated myself just the same. I thought the magic behind this whole thing was I will love myself when... When? WTF
If I just lose the weight I will be happier
I will love myself when the weight is off
I will be deserving of love when the weight is off
I will seek out external sources of happiness until I lose the weight
I will climb that moutain when I lose the weight
I will stop cutting myself when I am skinnier
I will stop chewing my food and spitting it up just for today, I promise I wont do it tomorrow
Wait... tomorrow is not Monday, I'll stop on Monday
Monday is a day
weight is a number
calories is energy
hate is damaging
love is uplifing
8) If you sit there and judge others you are not there my love. First place to start. Release judgement everywhere. You will find this freeing and gives you so much more time to think about other things. I know this well. I used to judge, hard. When my mind goes back to that old behaviour it is my best warning bell... to hate myslef. It is the best spoiler alert in the world. My judgements are a preamble to diseased behaviors and explosive eating. If I judge, I will eat.
9) I refuse to appologize for my place in this world.
10) This is my lot. I will probably always struggle with this on some level and that's ok. The healing just makes me more awesome and more kick ass then the day before. I'm fat and who knows where I will be in a year from now. I have no expectations on what happens on the outside. I just expect the world on the inside.
Hugs & Shit
The Momma
Saturday, 26 December 2015
Maybe it's the Rum
I'm supposed to be sleeping.
Have you ever sat there and had a thought about something that is just about to happen and then that thing actually does happen. It doesn't wow you like it should, as are you are in it and forget to see the tiny miracles that happen everyday. Unless you have a day like today. Today was one long deja vous. Today was like dream I once had that played out many years ago but bits and pieces come back as my long term subconscious tries to retrieve files that are buried so deep. When this happens to me then I know it is the universe's way of telling me I am on track. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I need markers in my life. They give me a sense of familiarity and give me the gift of perception. What is this thing called? Whatever it is I am grateful for it.
High Fiver!
Love The Momma
Have you ever sat there and had a thought about something that is just about to happen and then that thing actually does happen. It doesn't wow you like it should, as are you are in it and forget to see the tiny miracles that happen everyday. Unless you have a day like today. Today was one long deja vous. Today was like dream I once had that played out many years ago but bits and pieces come back as my long term subconscious tries to retrieve files that are buried so deep. When this happens to me then I know it is the universe's way of telling me I am on track. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I need markers in my life. They give me a sense of familiarity and give me the gift of perception. What is this thing called? Whatever it is I am grateful for it.
High Fiver!
Love The Momma
Monday, 21 December 2015
Crap Poetry - Don't Bother
Roses are Red
I attack left
Betcha didn't know
I'm fucking Ben Affleck
Weak sauce, but its better than shoehorn appreciation poetry.
Fuck it
Roses are Red
Jesus was a newborn
Betcha didn't know
I fucking love shoehorns
Now I'm spiraling
Roses are crap
so are carnations
the plates are hot
forever in damnation
Now this is plain shit
Roses are smelly
Violets are yucky
my fucking poetry
is super sucky
The Momma
$1.25 for the swear jar
13% sense of accomplishment
3 Songs downloaded while writing
Can't Sleep
I attack left
Betcha didn't know
I'm fucking Ben Affleck
Weak sauce, but its better than shoehorn appreciation poetry.
Fuck it
Roses are Red
Jesus was a newborn
Betcha didn't know
I fucking love shoehorns
Now I'm spiraling
Roses are crap
so are carnations
the plates are hot
forever in damnation
Now this is plain shit
Roses are smelly
Violets are yucky
my fucking poetry
is super sucky
The Momma
$1.25 for the swear jar
13% sense of accomplishment
3 Songs downloaded while writing
Saturday, 28 November 2015
Drunkney in da houuussseee! Drunk blreg 7.0 I'm standing with my bff Bleff. Ibstand before you at mikeays 40th drunk as shitvall. I live Pete's schqwty ballz. I can't wait to put you schwety balls in my mouth. I've been given a topic gays in the military sound controversial and shouldn't have touchés with a 39 and a half foot pole. This is a layer subject my friends. I'm a goddamn pasifuct. The layers oh humanity are deeep to.
Today I created a human tunnel I was the fuck hogwart express.
I've been give a new subject German sausage. Sounds dirty I digress
Hugs and shit
I loved you
The momma
Blamber
Blood
Bleremy
Today I created a human tunnel I was the fuck hogwart express.
I've been give a new subject German sausage. Sounds dirty I digress
Hugs and shit
I loved you
The momma
Blamber
Blood
Bleremy
Wednesday, 25 November 2015
A lost and rediscovered GEM
"Drunk blogging 6.0.
This is where dreams are made. I cannot believe that unlike a Justin bieber song.I'm having fun with friends happy birthday Blatasha! my eyelips are very heavy which isindicitive of cohbryfill sleept. Wtf was that?"
I found this gem in my DRAFT section. I was clearly side tracked like a SQUIRREL!
Hugs & Shit
The Momma
I found this gem in my DRAFT section. I was clearly side tracked like a SQUIRREL!
Hugs & Shit
The Momma
Friday, 30 October 2015
Aftermath
Halloween, Christmas, Easter Sunday
Don't fret here it comes another Monday
In the moment is strong and certainly not fleeting
strong and relentless soundless heart beating
My mind is flowin not even showin an ounce of compassion it just keeps going
That drug, that rush that joke, that inability to feel my own throat
balling up my neck is so tight what the hell did I eat tonight
The list was long the list was dirty In a dark room feeling kinda surley
regretting and betting that tomorrow wont find me the drugs got a hold this shit has blinded me
How do I stand up and face tomorrow
sitting an wallowing in my own sorrow
basking in post addict climax never enough never not enough for this addict
My head it feels like in a vice
its just food I say it thrice
its not about food I say over again
get up tomorrow and love your own skin
This is the only way to deal with the affliction
for me when I deep, far down in my addiction.
Hugs & Shit
The Momma
"If I can be an example of getting sober, then I can be an example of starting over." - Macklemore
Don't fret here it comes another Monday
In the moment is strong and certainly not fleeting
strong and relentless soundless heart beating
My mind is flowin not even showin an ounce of compassion it just keeps going
That drug, that rush that joke, that inability to feel my own throat
balling up my neck is so tight what the hell did I eat tonight
The list was long the list was dirty In a dark room feeling kinda surley
regretting and betting that tomorrow wont find me the drugs got a hold this shit has blinded me
How do I stand up and face tomorrow
sitting an wallowing in my own sorrow
basking in post addict climax never enough never not enough for this addict
My head it feels like in a vice
its just food I say it thrice
its not about food I say over again
get up tomorrow and love your own skin
This is the only way to deal with the affliction
for me when I deep, far down in my addiction.
Hugs & Shit
The Momma
"If I can be an example of getting sober, then I can be an example of starting over." - Macklemore
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)