Ass-u-me

So what do you do now that you have this free time as a stay at home mom?

I get asked this a lot.

Here is my truthful answer...

What time? I wake up to a 2 and 5 year old wanting different breakfasts, jumping on my bed, help Things get dressed, face washed, teeth cleaned (if they are lucky) and play, entertain, marble race time, find missing marbles, oh shit I lost their marbles, dominoes set up, dominoes clean up, put on bandaids, break up wrestling matches gone too far, make lunch, put on a load of laundry, clean up the spill, find out why Thing 2 is crying, read 14 books, kick the soccer ball outside, wrap presents, step on Lego, make appointments, write cards, sneak a 15 minute nap in on the floor pretending to play cars, reassemble a broken toy, turn on a show, bake a thing for that shindig tomorrow, make smoothies, make popcorn, help with child's printing sheets from school, set up painting, clean up painting, set up bubbles, clean up bubbles, pull out frozen protein from freezer, go for a walk, go on a snail hunt, make observations in the forest, buys stamps, change some diapers, potty train, oh shit feed the cat, investigate why there is a random poo nugget on the floor, wash Thing 2's hands, wash floor, submit government funding paperwork, respond to 20 knock knock jokes, praise Thing 1 for hilarity, change bed sheets, scrub the crayon off the wall, clean fridge as something has died in there, tidy up toys, make dinner, read a few more stories, have a thumb war, Thing 1's autism worker has come over. Thing 1 not in the mood today. Help ABA worker transition Thing 1 to new activities, Thing 2 wants my undivided attention, put Thing 2 on the counter and engage him in what I am doing (still making dinner), put said dinner in oven on low heat, doorbell rings, my first tutoring student, Thing 2 screams as I have left his side, put on Thomas, scramble downstairs, The hubs is late, ABA worker leaving, tutoring kid, The hubs rolls in, fill in the Hubs in under 20 seconds, hear Things fighting upstairs, 1 hour tutoring session, next kid comes in, another hour tutoring session, after work is done go upstairs, help Things tidy toys, bath time, play referee to the Things in the bath tub, help put things to bed, go back downstairs to basement, remove cat 20 times from my keyboard, do a few hours of lesson plans, admin, research tools and resources, finalize some invoices and receipts, respond to some work emails, around midnight respond to personal emails, tend to family paperwork, watch a you tube vid or two, read an article about the health benefits of having sex every day with your partner, look at partner, and go to bed around 1 AM.Get up at 7:30 AM next day and repeat.

I love my life, I really do. But when you ask that question (So what do you do now that you have this free time as a stay at home mom?) with a tone of you-have-it-so-good-you-lucky-asshole-while-I-have-to-do-a-40-hour-soul-sucking-work-week" it takes too long to explain myself so I just respond with Yoga, I now go to Yoga, watch reruns of the Oprah show, drink hot Chai Tea lattes and do Pinterest projects. It's just easier that way.

The Moral of this Cautionary Tale: Never Assume. Ever.

HUGS!

The Momma

"Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy."   -Tina Fey

Cute: http://themindunleashed.org/2014/06/16-reasons-daily-sex.html

                                                                          Classic

Consuming the New Religon

I grew up in 80s consumption
early training for a lack of gumption
did this affect my inner function?
Damn rights, just make an assumption.
 Trayvon happens every single day
We stop and text and then it goes away
How do we let all this happen
in our modern day?
Oh  right, distraction, I just got paid.
Heading to the mall to get the latest thing
just got my newest plastic thing a ma jig
when status is wrapped up in silly little things
You are trying so hard just to fit in.
Fit into what you ask?
I'm about to put this shit on blast
The trinket you bought came from 3rd world
it came from tiny hands as young as your girl
It came from oppression, injustice and pain
and then they send this shit with no thought or blame
toxic materials raped from the earth
made by modern day slaves subjected from birth
they send it away with little to no pay and we say
hey I support their economy
wrong, you are a part of the machine
eating and consuming and creating a scene
but we hide behind that cute little screen
filled with videos of celebrity
the distracted false dream
When you buy that trinket made by tiny hands
your lining the pockets of the big white man
sitting in offices high above the city
collecting fat cheques and behaving really shitty.

Peace

Sat-Turd-Day

Hello Friends...

My day went a little something like this...

Woke up to alarm
only pressed snooze once
miracle
showered, alone
miracle #2
got ready for the work day
got Thing 2 out of bed
got Thing 2 to jump of the hubs to wake him up
classic
the hubs - sacked
Thing two 1 - the hubs nuts 0
went downstairs to find Thing 1
Thing 1 - an accomplished man
cereal check
naked - check
watching peppa pig on tablet - check
found chips and raccooned into bag - check
put his milk in a mug like daddy's coffee - check
built a train city in middle of kitchen floor - check
momma almost died tripping over train set - check
Thomas blaring in the background - check
downstairs computer blaring Calliou game - check
2 fig bars down - check
As I walk down the stairs Thing 1 casually says, "Oh Hi mom" like nothing is up
I returned his hi and kept going downstairs
Not my problem I am off to work
Commute is a bitch
the basement is so far
Tutored 4 awesome possum kids
While tutoring the 4th kid Thing 2 escapes
Thing 2 makes his way downstairs and sits on my lap
Hubs not home from bowling
babysitter can't keep him upstairs
Thing 2 is a klingon
Thing 2 poops
Thing 2 refuses diaper change from babysitter
Thing 2 screaming
I deal with thing 2's butt
I continue with Tutoring
I hate unprofessionalism
let go and let my higher power
babysitter's time is up
still trying to tutor
tutoring kid, cat sitting on kids book, babysitter gone and Thing 2 hiding behind laundry curtain
 quiet but concerned
smell of poop returns
its a poonami
hubs comes home late with Thing 1
sick Thing 2 on the hubs
The hubs and Thing 1 gag as they enter the house
Tutoring kid has lifted his shirt to cover nose
I have a scarf wrapped around my head
classic
tutoring over
Hubs claims he is tired and bolts to the bedroom
in my head I say fuck it
put down thing 2 for nap
Let Thing 1 watch the polar express, this time seasonally appropriate
and I curl up on the couch for a 2 hour sleeping extravaganza
BAM
everyone up at 5PM
everyone hangry
No one wants to cook
Load up the fam
go to sushi
Thing 2 grabs wasabi without us noticing and chows down
Take thing 2 outside for a screaming water fit
calms down after sushi lady gives him and mint candy
yay sushi lady
thing 1's new thing is knock knock jokes
Knock knock
who's there
Anita
Anita who?
Anita green wasabi like Thing 2!
Knock knock continues for 10 minutes with 5 year old hilarity
Thing 1 thinks he is the funniest man on the planet
the momma testing out her 50 different kids of fake laughs
success, I think I have found one
Thing 1 thinks I am his #1 fan
Thing 1 is right
After dinner home to bed
Thing 2 bath
shits in bath
shit #3
Thing 1 freaking out a floating poop
Thing 2 laughing
Hose down the things
wished I had my scarf
thinks to myself how I am sick of touching, smelling and breathing in poo particles
Now I sit here
procrastinating work
sore throat coming on
winter rite of passage
looking at my to do list
wanting a back massage instead
I can't wait to get up and do it all again tomorrow

Fig bar count - all accounted for
fig bars eaten by thing 1 - 3
wasabi ball challenge taken - 1
to do list items # 27
wanting a back massage - not a hubs one but a pro one
oh wait #28 get Carter's pants back to his mom

HUGS & SHIT
The Momma

                                             10 years ago in CUBA... wish I was there

I learned this shit in Kindergarten

I was witness to something not so special today. A pal of mine online cut her hair and posted a picture. The majority of comments were not too kind. When I spoke up, which I like to do, I was given a come back that I have heard way too many times before."It is just my opinion and I am entitled to my opinion."  Now, you are probably thinking, it is just Facebook, so who cares right?! I think the comments speak volumes on how North Americans have a gross sense of entitlement and that their shit does not stink. What ever happened to if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all? Some of the comments were, "Well it will grow back." That is a loaded statement. How is that statement kind or helpful? Does this person not know that her hair will not grow back?

I once had a (now former) FB friend write on his wall: "My pet peeves - women with skinny eyebrows and fat chicks in high heels." How is this helpful or kind? What these comments really do is shame people. We live in a looks-obsessed society and we put pressure on others to conform which makes us to be fearful and therefore we consume. We are buying into the beauty myth and distracted from the real purpose in life. To love and be loved. Am I distracted, hell yes, I am not immune to all this shit but what I can say is I am lucky enough I get to have my say and that yes, even if it is just a FB comments, I will still say something. I hope that people will think twice before spewing their projected vile out into the world under the guise of an "opinion".

BTW her hair is kick ass and she rocks it.

HUGS & spreading the love...

The Momma

Advice: You are not entitled to give unsolicited advice.

Today is a good day. The hubs is home from work, Thing 1 is at school and Thing 2 is home with dad napping. I have the afternoon to myself with the car. So amazing. I did a couple of errands, checked out a new toy store and mailed some letters. To finish off the afternoon I went to pick up a 2 liter of pop for the hubs. Now when I am alone without kids I take my time looking at everything, even if it is a corner store. I know weird. I get a kick of checking out expiry dates, thick layers of dust, and price mark-ups. So, as I was in front of the beverage case I took my time looking at all the ridiculous brands of caffeine drinks. I even took out a few drinks to read some labels and questionable ingredients. I can feel the corner store owner watching me like a hawk. I don't blame her but it is still frustrating as I have never even shop lifted in my life.

 I take up the 2 litre of pop and place it on the counter. She looks at me then looks at the 2 litre. Then looks at me again. I have my fiver ready in my hand to pay when she says, "You were looking at the healthy drinks, why are you getting this one?" To which I replied, "What healthy drinks?" She then said, You know the juices and water." I replied with a deadpan mono-toned voice, "Would you prefer I get water or juice instead?" She said, "Well, those are healthier choices." I then said, "I have a question for you; if I was an average-sized person would you have asked me that same question?" Brazenly she said, "No, probably not." I did not say anything else and I just walked out.

Sorry hubs, no pop for you. 

This is just a cautionary tale on how our society so easily discriminates. Like rape culture, there is a new wave of fat shaming culture that needs to obviously stop. What I eat, wear, read, learn, say or love is not up for voiced observations, advice, debates or public scrutiny. Can't a fat girl get some pop without the talk? Everyone thinks they are experts on everyone elses' lives, time to take an inventory of your own.

Judge less, love more. Bless them, change me. Other people's opinions of me are none of my business.

HUGS and Shit

The MOMMA  <3

                                        I hate Peta for the unethical treatment of real human beings.

The most perfectly imperfect life is pure perfection.

Black Friday is coming. It is a weekend to buy nothing.

Take a weekend off from being a consumer. Let's celebrate all things that are currently in our homes. Take a look at all the riches all around you living and not.  The books you don't read, the craft you put down with good intentions, the plants you neglect, the people you want to see, the tea that's in your cupboard, the board game collecting dust, the debates that you miss, the love that needs to be spread, the creation you dismiss, the tree that needs a hug, the mind that needs some quiet, the laundry piling up? Nah.

What are you doing this weekend?

Just moments before

A candy so sweet
innocent until I eat
can't stop
don't stop
my head is over top
no way to shut it off
I love how others scoff
at my attempts to hold off
but I can't, I can't stop.
They say how can she get so big
just put the food down
I drown in the mound of emotions
devotion to the drug
makes me sound like a sweet thug
under the rug, I am swept
away from feeling
gets my whole head reeling
sugar is so freeing
and makes me so seething
I need a new dream away from the scene
a candy coated hell
it hits me like a spell
round and round in this well
I am drowning
I am out of control sugars tight hold
It has to stop
I can't stop
I rock
I can't rock
I am blocked
Don't stop
I can't stop
I need to get off
this train of indecision
The loud snort of derision
Hitting me with shame
Playing the brain game
addiction is no laughing matter
it makes you even madder
sadder and sadder
I get
from others playing god
take a look at me
outside I'm happy
laughing and flailing
inside I'm derailing
I am internally wailing
I want no one to see
the sugar side of me
but the truth is out there for everyone to see
When you look at another
that person with a mother
a sister a brother a father and another
remember you have the cheap seats
from a distance you can't see
the stories underneath
We were all once innocent like babies
I want to wipe my slate clean
Peace