Fact! Banana phones do not accept quarters

So last night the hubs says, "Just take the boys to Jysk tomorrow and pick up the drapes." blink blink blink. stunned. I say, " Have you met the Things? " Gawd the hubs is cute, crazy and delusional, and oh so cute. So against my better judgement we went to Jysk today. Thing 2 managed to grab a bottle of epsom salts from the middle of the display. amazing. Thing 1 managed to arm himself and his brother with some random garden stakes. good. good ideas. Things found the beds. Things found bins of pillows. Things lost their little effin' minds! Good idea husband and great idea me for listening to crazy husband. we were those people at the checkout that held everyone up. Missing tags, thing 2 grabbing random shit, thing one insisting the giraffe was a zebra. I mean he had a point, the giraffe had zebra markings. it was all oh so confusing. The debit machine was beeping at me to remove the card as I wrangled the things and got the heck outta there. I cannot tell you how much balsa wood furniture excites me. So what did I learn? probabaly nothing. I was thinking of going to the library tomorrow. I am typing this on the tablet. I cannot handle this. I am not editing, spell checking meh. nothing. this is frustrating. wait! no polar express today! phew! No  fig bars left to count and no bails by thing 2. great day!!! hugs you crazy bastards reading this! go back to your beautiful lives you peeping toms.

Affluenza Much?

SO I saw a pair of (brand name) shoes on Amazon.com. I am not giving this brand name any advertizing because they are a super shitty elitist company that does super shitty things with foreign labour, local labour and their product is crap. Anyway, the shoes were $3,000 and were mostly made of foam and had galaxy patterns all over it. It was like disco bowling threw up on them. I wrote a review on the shoes, which was kindly rejected... And it went a little something like this: "I saw these shoes and I was like Holy Shit these shoes were made by unicorns! Well at least they better be." Who is this company targeting? Rich white kids with a huge case of affluenza? I just don't understand, well I do, but I also don't. Apathy rules my friends, sad but true. BTW the pic should say... North American people...


So today I woke at snuh. The hubs released the hounds at snuh and they came in for an attack. Well played hubs, well played. They were so deliciously cute with their snot tracks on their adorable faces. Thing 2 sneezes in my face. I might get pink eye. Downstairs we go. Thing 2 stops half way down and pees through his mega diaper and then proceeds to do a little Irish jig in the mess. Classic. Thing 1 super helpful and runs to get a towel. Super helpful older brother, what a sweet beet. Thing 1 runs to the DVD player and announces, "it's ready momma!" I say what is ready? He says the Polar Express of course. A tiny fire has started in my brain. I look to the left, I look to the right, I look for something, what I don't know. I need a distraction, a diversion of some sort. I am losing time. Thing 2 yells, "Momma listen to my words!" I panic. In the mornings I have the intellectual intelligence of a cracker. I took too long, crap bag. I say ok sure. through the fakest of fake smiles. Lets make this an uneven 45. I feel like celebrating! yay. I make breaky and get the kids dressed. I can feel myself going cross eyed listening to the hot chocolate song. Hot! Hot! Ooooh we got it! Hot! Hot! ooooh they got it! Never never let it coool! barf. Played in the garage. Thing 2 bailed over the hockey stick and gave himself a goose egg on top of his current goose egg. Thing 1 kicking the beach ball as hard as he can at Thing 2. Thing 2 finds the one spot in the garden where the neighbourhood cats love to shit to play cars.  My garage smells like shit or barnacle soup. Possibly missing a fig bar. I can hear hubs voice in my head. MAKE SURE ALL FIG BARS ARE ACCOUNTED FOR. derp. Thing 1 insists that he try my sparkling water. I tell him it is spicy (his words as he has done this before) he insists that I am somehow mistaken with this particular bottle. He takes a swig and he splutters and coughs. Momma 1 Thing 1 - zero. Clean up! Things whine. classic. LUNCH! fruit smoothies and ham sandwiches. Thing 2 refused naptime. bugger. Cleaned, sorted laundry, did some admin., put away some laundry, dishes, puzzle with Thing 1, dance with Thing 2, Thing 1 yelled at us to stop dancing, kept on dancing, swept, scrubbed the BBQ, made dinner, unsuccessful search for fig bar in garage and heard the garage door go up and YES FUCKING YES! Dad is home. Tutoring awesome kid for an hour. Thought... all my students fart in front of me like it is no big deal. Good thing I find it fricken hilarious, except when I eat it. Back upstairs and ate cold dinner. My night for Thing 1. Bath, books, bedtime. Fell asleep on Thing 1 bed for 20 minutes. Yum. Bank deposit, admin work, taxes, got a Strawberry Shortcake's blueberry friend tea latte fro m7-11 and I am calling it quits early tonight! Time for me.... getting my tea. Nailed it. #onefigbarnotaccountedfor Thing 2 bail count 4. High fiver to everyone who reads this godforsaken blog. bless you. and that is not for sneezing.

Bowling Stikes Again!

So yes, last night I drank. More than I have in a very long time. Am I young... sure! Do I bounce back... no. What did I learn? Nothing. Just that once in a while letting loose at a bowling banquet is really effin fun. Oh and my ankle hurts like hell. bahahaha! drinking injury. So woke up to Thing 1 on the bed, wait let me quantify, my bed. I heard the hubs groan as I am pretty sure Thing 1 sacked him. The air in the room is stifling. Everyone stinks. classic. I hear Thing 2 growling at something. creepy kid. I get up as the hubs is useless at this time. I take the Things downstairs. Holy trucks, I stare at the ceiling Thing 1 just asked me if he could watch Polar Express. I just stare at him. Then I shrug. Sure. whatever. Polar fucking express day 44. I lay out a blanket in the living room and proceed to make a napping recovery nest. Thing 1 wants to do a puzzle. Thing 2 treats my body like a jungle gym. I get up make breaky, do puzzle, roughhouse with Thing 2 and manage to nap in nest for 30 minutes. I jolt awake. I am scared that Things have destroyed the house. We are safe. Except Thing 1 has raccooned his way into the fig bars. classic. Thing 2 bails. Thing 1 farts in my face. Thats it! Time to get the hubs up. Sick the Things on the sleeping bear. Room still thick with stale beer breath and fartings. ugh. Kick hubs out of bed. I roll in. Tell hubs to wake me in 1/2 an hour. I have to tutor. I have to be on my A game and SUPER FLUFFY AND FUN. squeee! 30 minutes felt like 30 seconds. derp. Discovered perfect hangover remedy... night before drink water until so full, 2 advil. Morning of... water and a banana. I felt awesome. Tired but super awesome. take that years of inexperience! Tutored 2 awesome kids! Worked on Admin stuff and taxes. Took thing 1 out to do errands. Thing 1 HATE errands, I have no idea why he insisted on coming. Comae home. Thing 2 woke from nap. Sure nap for hubs but not me. boo at thing 2. Grocery shopping. Gshop as it is called at my house at no fills. Or as well call it the big yellow banana store or Uncle Dennis'. Thing 1 dropped a watermelon on sore ankle. For sore ankle story see yesterday's blog. Thing 2 becomes a terrorist and refuses to let people open the milk coolers. Thing 1 trips and jumps up and says "He's goooood!" with his hands in the air. Home. dinner. bedtime. Thing 2 goes postal. Over tired. Work from 8:30 PM to 1 AM. Wrote policies, lesson plans, set up for new students.  Livin'. #workingstayathomemom #1/2figbarmissing . Thing 2 bail count - 5 at least . SO awesome. I would not trade this for the world. HUGS and special shout outs to the peeps who feel left out of my blog: McKinlee and Robbie Stew AKA Honorary Thing and honorary thing's dad, also, friend that Rhymes with Avis you are mentioned, again. Here. and Athy thanks for the pre-party party! K Goodnight. 

Whatcha going to do with a drunken sailor, put him in an Exxon Valdez tanker...

The day is mine! Today was also super bromance day.

Woke up at 8:15 AM to Thing 2 banging on his wall and Thing 1 playing with the tablet at the end of our bed. Strange dreams of Thomas as Thing 1 watches you tube vids as we slept. Thomas the tank whiner. Tutored 4 kids today. Nailed it. Thing 1 came home from bowling with some wicked hardware. Bowling prodigy. So proud. Sat in garage for an hour playing bubbles. Mother of the year. Did a 100 piece puzzle with Thing 1. LIKE A BOSS. Missing 4 pieces now. asshole puzzle. Thing 2 protested nap time. Classic. Made some mac n cheese. again. Sang to Thing 1 he told me to be quiet. Polar fucking Express count 43. Wait wait wait hold up... I am not bad of a singer and the Things hate it when I sing. WTF. Perhaps I am disillusioned by my singing talent. sigh. I am going to start singing opera again. Take that Turd Burgers. In laws come over to babysit the Things. Worked hard on looking so pretty. It is tough work! I even plucked my eyebrows. caterpillar eyebrows gone. Did not have time to shave, screw it. Ain't nobody got time for that. Off to friends that rhyme with Avis and Athy's house. Pre-party party. So fun. wanted to stay and watch Despicable me with Avis & Athy's son. Oh well, next time. Petted their dog. Cute pup. She barked in my face. I shrieked like a little girl. I startle easily. Kinda funny. Off to the BOWLING BANQUET. Amazeballs. The hubs danced his sweaty balls off tonight. He did his annual electric slide solo dance. It was so good people left the dance floor to watch. That and he gets super flailey. He has dangerous dancing elbows. weapons. Had a nice slow dance with Mikeay to Sheryl Fucking Crowe and Kid Rock. I really Hate that song. I really really really do. When I hear it I get the compulsion to ram things into my ears like water bottles and kleenex. I get a silent rage from deep within my soul. I am a happy person so I mean business when I say that song is the debils work. (10 points for the "debil" reference). Super night coming to a close... won $50, drank some yummy rum, husband farted ALL night on dance floor (ate them-ugh), danced my shoes off (literally) and got a night away from the Things! Got someone to call a cab as I was not super functional. In fact, I was quite useless. I have no idea why people put me in charge of things like getting a cab. Something about leadership qualities. yadda yadda. Someone stole cab. classic. Waited for another. cops showed. Noise complaints. yar. One of the cops was my field hockey pal. joked and almost got cuffed and thrown int he back for fun. Kinda upset it never happened. I am kind of a law abiding type, felt like it was my only chance for this sort of experience. Coppers left. I had a misstep and fell into a hole. twisted my ankle. Hubs kept asking if I was ok. I told him to be quiet as I was laughing and hurting too much all at once. I laugh when I am in pain. Weird. One time I got my eyebrows shaped and the lady tweezed my caterpillars and I laughed so hard I almost peed. Sat in puddle, made no efforts to move. Laughing too hard. Hubs asked if I needed help. Laughed some more. Managed to stand. We shall see how it feels in the morning. I am reading hubs thoughts... How do you exist? My inner thought reply... by laughing. BAM! nailed it. Made it home in one piece. Sorry to the cabbie who had to deal with my wet butt. Slightly allergic to hypoallergenic make up. I can now feel my eyes starting to swell. Why do I do this to myself. Simple. Oedipus complex. haha! so joking Freud can go bleep himself. Oh found husbands contact that he dropped on the floor. I am good at finding things. Where's waldo complex. I went to put it on the table and then I dropped it again. Hubs asks how do I exist. and I say... I think therefore I am. Nailed it. Thanks Descartes. The I laugh as I found it again. My amazeballz-eyeballz. ok I am tired and I neeeed to sleep. Prescription, water, Advil, sleep...thank goodness only 2 kids to tutor tomorrow. A special shout out to the bowling buddies for another great bowling banquet. Be well. HUGS to you. www.zombo.com will change your life.

Squirrel!

So Thing 1 may or may not have tasted poop today. Oh well, shit happens.

So Thing 2 babbling at 8:30 am I wake. I am gloriously happy that Thing 2 has slept again. Retrieve Thing 2. He is very happy and has managed to raccoon into his one piece PJs and found his penis. This time Thing 2 penis has scratches all over it. Must trim nails. Luckily Thing 2 has yet to spray down the room. Go to change Thing 2. Strip him down and he finds penis again. Think to myself stop making eye contact this is awkward. Look back at Thing 2's face. Tell Thing 2 to stop looking at me with his dreamy eyes. Oh dear. Put on diaper tighter than usual. Thing 1 bounds in. Chocolate face. Classic. Thing 1 has raccooned into chocolate eggs. Take them down stairs. The Things want chocolate and Polar Fucking Express. I can't wait. Will that Billy kid make the train this time? Will one of the elves parachutes not open? Will the annoying kid get more than underwear under the tree? Compelling stuff. Get dressed and out the door. Things want fig bars. Back to the fig bar daily count.

I am distracted I want a Blueberry  Tea Latte.

Things that matter...

So you know that moment when you were a kid when you smelled a most yummy inedible item and felt strangely disappointed? You may have even licked it to see if it remotely tastes like it smells? I got a Blueberry Tea Latte from 7-11 tonight and my dream has come true. I am now drinking Strawberry Shortcake's Blueberry friend.

Hellloooooo Jelloooooo!

So that just happened, what you ask. That. Some people ask me why I write run on sentences and fragments. I say... I spend my life teaching it, as I am a tutor, so why not bust through all the rules and say screw it all. As a wise friend once said to me your blog is like your stream of consciousness. And since my stream of consciousness does not bend to the rules my brain says sucks to your grammar! Sucks to your conch and sucks to your punctuation and linguistics!! If you get the conch reference 10 points for you. You get another 20 points if you get the "sucks to your Aunty and sucks to your assmar" reference as well. What to do with your points, I don't know see previous sentence. Gosh I feel cheaky today.

So I am doing my taxes for home and my home based biz. I have to say taxes are taxing. Good thing I like to keep organized to the point of obsession. Never in my life did I ever think I would have to ask how ofter the business bathroom is used for business or pleasure. My toileting practices are now the business of the Canadian government. High Five! I feel like I should share more, it can be so freeing. My husband for instance, he likes to shit in my office bathroom when I am working late nights. Awesome. I asked him rhetorically the other night if he would like it if I came to his work and shit in the middle of his cubicle. He laughed. So did I. Good thing I have a 10 year old boy sens of humour. Now my husband makes a point of shitting nightly in my office. I will give you a visual.... The toilet is literally 3 feet from my computer station. My hubs sits down, does not close sliding door, announces "captive audience!" and starts divulging about his day and he bowel movement. My husband is a delightful man and in the birth order is the baby in the family therefore he is an instigator. I am the middle child I am the peacekeeper. Match made in heaven.Do I fight this? Nah, it is kind of funny after all. I figure if I ignore it then like any pestering little sibling he will get bored and it will  eventually go away.

And you thought my BLOG was about Thing 1 and Thing 2. Perhaps my hubs is Thing 4!
Thing 1 - Son #1
Thing 2 - Son #2
Thing 3 - Friend of Thing 1
Thing 4 - The hubs

So be well John Spartan. (30 points for this reference) Have an amazing day. If you read this blog can you do me a solid and comment "I read it" in my comments section? Thanks! HUGS? Hugs. :)