Today was day 3 of the river! We love it. No actually we hate it, wait no we love it. yup, love it.
Woke up today at 9:30 AM. Holy shit, thank god, hallelujah! Woke up to Thing 2 talking to his stuffies. When I got into the room he was sitting on his bed surrounded. It looked as if he was giving a uni lecture. I wonder what Thing 2 would teach? Psychology 105: The Art of Manipulating the Parental Units - To Cry or Not to Cry? Or Sociology 230: The Study of Stuffie-Intergration - What do they really do at night?
Downstairs we went where Thing 1 poured himself a bowl of cereal and was reading his train magazine. I thought oh my lanta, give it 10 more years and it will be the paper with a coffee just like his dad. I fix the boys a proper breaky which they barely ate anything. Classic. Thing 1 had his ABA sesh and then our friends came over for epic day 3 river day, so exciting.
We walked on over with 5 boys in tow. Now that is a whole lot of crazy awesome kid energy. Loved it. The river today was busy. The first two days were a smattering of people here and there but today was something else! The water was cold and refreshing and that is where things got epic...
Now Thing 2 has these Thomas the Tank Engine Crocs that he simply cannot live without. He wears them to bed, he hugs them and most times refuses to take them off. Naturally, one of his crocs came off and was floating down the river. One of the 5 things noticed the croc and yelled out to me, I made a dash for it.
This is where moms helping moms is so amazing. My pal took my kids to shore. Another random mom dashed out to Thing 5 as he was trying to chase me. And I looked back thinking, really, are $6 crocs worth this? Then I had an image of Thing 2 hugging his crocs and giving them a uni lecture and how difficult the rest of the day was going to be with out his security crocs. I was gaining on it when I bailed. I heard a collective ooooo from behind, I had an audience, I must press on. I get into a slower moving area with a muddy gooshy bottom ugh, I took and dive again and snagged it! I got to the shallow area and stood up with the croc high above my head when I heard a round of whoops and cheers! Epic momma moment! Take that floaty river! I made my way back to the kids where. Thing 2 stopped crying and grabbed his shoe to put it on and my pal came through for me taking care of the kids. Awesome. I looked down and I had a cut on my hand and leg. Classic. Other moms came over with bandaids and kudos, it was truly an epic afternoon.Its the small things right?
After the epic river time we made out way to the fish n chips in the park where we watched some baseball and had a second lunch. It really does not get any better than that my friends.
Happy kids with shoes: 5
Mommas who had a blast: 2
River 0 - Momma 1
Thing 2 bail count: 4 that I saw
Momma bail: 1
University lecture (Subject unspecified): 1
Hugs and Shit
The Momma
This picture amuses me to no end.
Wednesday 30 July 2014
Tuesday 29 July 2014
Post Birthday Update - Not that you need one
So do you think I was born yesterday? Well, I was, sort of. Yesterday was my birthday and today is the annual post birthday day in which I make that joke to myself. Weirdo.
My Annual Day of Birth in a Nutshell...
Woke up at 8AM to Thing 2 playing with his creepy jack in the box.
Everything can sound creepier through a monitor.
Thing 2 is now in a big boy bed.
He can now pull everything from within his room into the confines of his bed rails.
This excites Thing 2 to no end.
Every night Thing 2 sleeps with at least 10 stuffies, 4 books, a pack of tissues, 3 flashlights, random tools, post-its and a shoe or two.
The Things demand blueberry waffles, whipped cream and blueberry compote
Thing 1 demands a water with 6 ice cubes, in the green cup, with the spout top and a green straw.
Thing 2 demands the world.
Get dressed and ready for Thing 2's ABA therapy session.
Thing 1 has a blast, as usual.
Thing 2 and I make art and mess.
Things done and ready for the river.
Walk to river
Thing 2 bails down the embankment, luckily on his butt. Classic.
Thing 1 & 2 throw rocks in close proximity to each other.
Near misses.
Tell Things to throw in opposite direction, fruitless
We all wade into the shallow river and play!
Glorious!
See older fella off in the distance making his way to us.
Cornered by old chatty man for 30 minutes standing in the river.
Super judgy old man asked how long I breast fed for.
I respond, today is my birthday!
Subject averted.
Humans are so hilarious.
Old guy wanders off and verbally tackles a young couple on opposing beach.
I love chatting with strangers but that guy was Mr. Talk-non-stop-try-breathing-man-ask-about-my-boobs-kind-of-dude.
We spend a couple of hours at the river, loving life.
I got to work on writing my stories and the boys got soaking wet head to toe
Head back home
Thing 2 nap
Thing 1 sprinkler
The momma doing the momma thing <see notes>
Hubs home
Tutor two awesome kids
Hubs made dinner, cleaned, put down kids to sleep - Best. Bday. present evar.
I buggered off to a pal's house - had a nice chat
Got a cool grade 7 like friendship bracelet - so awesome
Headed to Shoppers Drug Mart - Perscription
Went to JJ's Music Box - karaoked like a boss.
Yeah thats right
nailed it
Birthday successfully accomplished
Thing 2 bail count - 6 that I saw
Happy blueberry faces - 2
Salmon Fry saw in river - at least 50
Near misses of rocks to the head - 8
Thing 2 kisses - 20
Thing 1 ram in to you hugs - 8
Life as a momma - infinite happiness
Hugs and Shit
The Momma
The momma doing the momma thing
It starts off with playing with a toy with a child followed by making some sort of nourishment for children, with a titch of wiping something down, throw in a bouncy ball or three with a clothing change and while responding to "momma" which may or many not require additional action or a verbal response. Add in some laundry with a nice dose of book and storytelling topped off with a side of delicious butt changing. If this does not tantalize your fun buds then keep reading... The momma thing can be characterized as nothing short of a day with cats with no leash followed by a screaming front and a clearing of dishes broken and or dirty. Doing the momma thing is not for the faint at heart. Tread lightly, love continuously and in the end it is worth every toy to the head.
My Annual Day of Birth in a Nutshell...
Woke up at 8AM to Thing 2 playing with his creepy jack in the box.
Everything can sound creepier through a monitor.
Thing 2 is now in a big boy bed.
He can now pull everything from within his room into the confines of his bed rails.
This excites Thing 2 to no end.
Every night Thing 2 sleeps with at least 10 stuffies, 4 books, a pack of tissues, 3 flashlights, random tools, post-its and a shoe or two.
The Things demand blueberry waffles, whipped cream and blueberry compote
Thing 1 demands a water with 6 ice cubes, in the green cup, with the spout top and a green straw.
Thing 2 demands the world.
Get dressed and ready for Thing 2's ABA therapy session.
Thing 1 has a blast, as usual.
Thing 2 and I make art and mess.
Things done and ready for the river.
Walk to river
Thing 2 bails down the embankment, luckily on his butt. Classic.
Thing 1 & 2 throw rocks in close proximity to each other.
Near misses.
Tell Things to throw in opposite direction, fruitless
We all wade into the shallow river and play!
Glorious!
See older fella off in the distance making his way to us.
Cornered by old chatty man for 30 minutes standing in the river.
Super judgy old man asked how long I breast fed for.
I respond, today is my birthday!
Subject averted.
Humans are so hilarious.
Old guy wanders off and verbally tackles a young couple on opposing beach.
I love chatting with strangers but that guy was Mr. Talk-non-stop-try-breathing-man-ask-about-my-boobs-kind-of-dude.
We spend a couple of hours at the river, loving life.
I got to work on writing my stories and the boys got soaking wet head to toe
Head back home
Thing 2 nap
Thing 1 sprinkler
The momma doing the momma thing <see notes>
Hubs home
Tutor two awesome kids
Hubs made dinner, cleaned, put down kids to sleep - Best. Bday. present evar.
I buggered off to a pal's house - had a nice chat
Got a cool grade 7 like friendship bracelet - so awesome
Headed to Shoppers Drug Mart - Perscription
Went to JJ's Music Box - karaoked like a boss.
Yeah thats right
nailed it
Birthday successfully accomplished
Thing 2 bail count - 6 that I saw
Happy blueberry faces - 2
Salmon Fry saw in river - at least 50
Near misses of rocks to the head - 8
Thing 2 kisses - 20
Thing 1 ram in to you hugs - 8
Life as a momma - infinite happiness
Hugs and Shit
The Momma
The momma doing the momma thing
It starts off with playing with a toy with a child followed by making some sort of nourishment for children, with a titch of wiping something down, throw in a bouncy ball or three with a clothing change and while responding to "momma" which may or many not require additional action or a verbal response. Add in some laundry with a nice dose of book and storytelling topped off with a side of delicious butt changing. If this does not tantalize your fun buds then keep reading... The momma thing can be characterized as nothing short of a day with cats with no leash followed by a screaming front and a clearing of dishes broken and or dirty. Doing the momma thing is not for the faint at heart. Tread lightly, love continuously and in the end it is worth every toy to the head.
Tuesday 22 July 2014
Quiz Time! Which Family Member are You most like?
It is the 1st and last edition of...
"Which Family Member Are You Most Like?!"
Keep Track of your choices! Or not.
Question #1
If you could have one toy for the rest of your life which would you pick?
A) Kiddie Pool
B) Marble Race
C) Lego
D) A large new appliance box
E) Scary 1970s lawn darts
Question #2
If you could have one food for the rest of your life what food would that be?
A) Cheese Pizza
B) Rice with Feta Cheese
C) Steak
D) Yogurt
E) Roasted Turkey Neck
Question #3
If you had to choose a nickname, which one would you pick?
A) Fudgie
B) Mr. Monkey Muffin-Butt
C) The Squatch
D) The Beast
E) Major Cactus Cuddles
Question #4
If you could meet one of the following people, who would you pick?
A) Jimmy Fallon
B) Santa Claus
C) Gordon Ramsey
D) Boo from Monsters Inc.
E) Nicholas Cage
Question #5
If you could travel anywhere, cost and time not an issue, where would you go?
A) Iceland
B) London England
C) Belize
D) Disneyland
E) Des Moines Iowa
Question #6
If you could rename yourself what name would you pick?
A) Anne
B) Thomas
C) Walter
D) Fox
E) Adolph
Question #7
If you had to pick a new favorite non-swear word statement, which would you pick?
A) Oh go to heaven!
B) Oh Bolowitz!
C) Oh wiener tower!
D) Oh HEY!
E) Oh turkey tits!
Question #8
Choose what best describes you, noted below:
A) Extroverted, bubbly, happy
B) Introverted, serious, intelligent
C) Introverted, analytical, loyal
D) Extroverted, crazy and fly by the seat of your pants
E) Melancholy, sarcastic and a rager
Question #9
What would you most likely do on a lazy Sunday afternoon?
A) Nap
B) Work on your hobby in super depth and concentration
C) Rearrange the cupboards for fun and bragging rights
D) Be on a constant quest for food but are very disappointed when you cannot find what you want
E) Taxidermy
Question #10
If you HAD to grow a fruit in your garden which one would you choose?
A) Oranges
B) Bananas
C) Kiwis because they look like the balls of a monkey
D) Apples
E) Durian
Tally up your scores and see whatcha got!
Mostly A's
You are The Momma. You are happy go lucky, weird and full of surprises. Oh and you don't like sand. You have a soft spot for llamas and manatees. Your Pavlovian response to whining is to go to your happy place.
Mostly B's
You are Thing 1. You are a most serious person but have a really funny streak when you get to know me. You like trains, schedules and all plans laid out at least 1 week in advance, signed and copied in triplicate. Your Pavlovian response to The Momma singing is to yell, "Momma Stop Singing!"
Mostly C's
You are The Hubs. You are analytical, loyal and have a soft spot for cats. You have strong opinions but are great at listening to others. Your Pavlovian response to the Song "Life is a Highway" by Tom Cochran is to yell "Bargain Bin Tom!" so everyone can hear you.
Mostly D's
You are Thing 2. You are a bundle of energy. You have no regard for people's personal space. You like to instigate fights, throw heavy objects and speak in tongues. But you are very cute and give great hugs.
Mostly E's
You do not belong in this family. I don't know who you are. You must be Satan.
Thank you for taking the quiz! And thank you for letting me waste your time.
"Which Family Member Are You Most Like?!"
Keep Track of your choices! Or not.
Question #1
If you could have one toy for the rest of your life which would you pick?
![](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1zSiCweipRo/U84goEoZqwI/AAAAAAAACqo/m5zP2avClQM/s1600/Quiz.jpg)
B) Marble Race
C) Lego
D) A large new appliance box
E) Scary 1970s lawn darts
Question #2
If you could have one food for the rest of your life what food would that be?
A) Cheese Pizza
B) Rice with Feta Cheese
C) Steak
D) Yogurt
E) Roasted Turkey Neck
Question #3
If you had to choose a nickname, which one would you pick?
A) Fudgie
B) Mr. Monkey Muffin-Butt
C) The Squatch
D) The Beast
E) Major Cactus Cuddles
Question #4
If you could meet one of the following people, who would you pick?
A) Jimmy Fallon
B) Santa Claus
C) Gordon Ramsey
D) Boo from Monsters Inc.
E) Nicholas Cage
Question #5
If you could travel anywhere, cost and time not an issue, where would you go?
A) Iceland
B) London England
C) Belize
D) Disneyland
E) Des Moines Iowa
Question #6
If you could rename yourself what name would you pick?
A) Anne
B) Thomas
C) Walter
D) Fox
E) Adolph
Question #7
If you had to pick a new favorite non-swear word statement, which would you pick?
A) Oh go to heaven!
B) Oh Bolowitz!
C) Oh wiener tower!
D) Oh HEY!
E) Oh turkey tits!
Question #8
Choose what best describes you, noted below:
A) Extroverted, bubbly, happy
B) Introverted, serious, intelligent
C) Introverted, analytical, loyal
D) Extroverted, crazy and fly by the seat of your pants
E) Melancholy, sarcastic and a rager
Question #9
What would you most likely do on a lazy Sunday afternoon?
A) Nap
B) Work on your hobby in super depth and concentration
C) Rearrange the cupboards for fun and bragging rights
D) Be on a constant quest for food but are very disappointed when you cannot find what you want
E) Taxidermy
Question #10
If you HAD to grow a fruit in your garden which one would you choose?
A) Oranges
B) Bananas
C) Kiwis because they look like the balls of a monkey
D) Apples
E) Durian
Tally up your scores and see whatcha got!
Mostly A's
You are The Momma. You are happy go lucky, weird and full of surprises. Oh and you don't like sand. You have a soft spot for llamas and manatees. Your Pavlovian response to whining is to go to your happy place.
Mostly B's
You are Thing 1. You are a most serious person but have a really funny streak when you get to know me. You like trains, schedules and all plans laid out at least 1 week in advance, signed and copied in triplicate. Your Pavlovian response to The Momma singing is to yell, "Momma Stop Singing!"
Mostly C's
You are The Hubs. You are analytical, loyal and have a soft spot for cats. You have strong opinions but are great at listening to others. Your Pavlovian response to the Song "Life is a Highway" by Tom Cochran is to yell "Bargain Bin Tom!" so everyone can hear you.
Mostly D's
You are Thing 2. You are a bundle of energy. You have no regard for people's personal space. You like to instigate fights, throw heavy objects and speak in tongues. But you are very cute and give great hugs.
Mostly E's
You do not belong in this family. I don't know who you are. You must be Satan.
Thank you for taking the quiz! And thank you for letting me waste your time.
Sunday 20 July 2014
It just does not sit well with me...
ok ok I know this is supposed to be sweet and all but a young daughter going out on a "date" with your father is kind of odd to me. Going on an outing, sure. Going on an adventure, sure. Going out for a special time with dad, sure. But a "date" this statement just weirds me out. Same goes for moms going out on a date with their special little sons. My brain can't deal. I apologize to those who do dates with their kids, no judgement, I just can't do it. My brain says dates are a food and/or people going out between two people of interest.
Another point to ponder... You know what creeps me out to no end? Fathers who guard their daughter's virginity like it is a prize. Weird. You know those father/daughter portraits that are done with the virginity promise ring and they look like they are at their prom. (google purity balls) CREEPY. You know what would be interesting to see? Moms guarding their son's virginity symbolized with a ring and a creepy portrait.
Things that creep me out:
Ghosts
Virginity commitment rings
Purity Balls
Sometimes the shit my kids say
Bugs that crawl into your ears and die
snakes
Back country hiking, sleeping in the tent, hearing strange sounds, only to discover it was a fucking marmot.
Run-down sheds with the windows blacked out
lung butter stuck in the mesh traps in your sink
etc...
HUgs and Shit
The Momma
Another point to ponder... You know what creeps me out to no end? Fathers who guard their daughter's virginity like it is a prize. Weird. You know those father/daughter portraits that are done with the virginity promise ring and they look like they are at their prom. (google purity balls) CREEPY. You know what would be interesting to see? Moms guarding their son's virginity symbolized with a ring and a creepy portrait.
Things that creep me out:
Ghosts
Virginity commitment rings
Purity Balls
Sometimes the shit my kids say
Bugs that crawl into your ears and die
snakes
Back country hiking, sleeping in the tent, hearing strange sounds, only to discover it was a fucking marmot.
Run-down sheds with the windows blacked out
lung butter stuck in the mesh traps in your sink
etc...
HUgs and Shit
The Momma
A Cat Named F*%k Face
Today is the day I met a cat named "Fuck-Face" at first I felt bad for the cat until my pal told me that the cat bites anyone who pets him. So Fuck Face it is.
What happened today you say? Well, I tutored 2 awesome kids and then I rejoined my family to find the hubs sleeping in the rocking chair with the kids still in their PJs and no one had breakfast yet. Classic. Ah yes, it is going to be one of those days. So if you cannot beat em, join em. I changed back into my jammies and lay down on the couch and let the Things crawl all over me. Thing 1 wanted to watch the Jungle Book for the 50th time and Thing 2 wanted to watch The Polar Fucking Express. No, no Christmas in July and no more Jungle Book. I say to the Things, "How about we read books?" Well, you'd think I had pissed in their unmade cornflakes. Oh the humanity! Thing 2, in slo-mo, throws himself on the floor and writhes around like a snake on fire. And Thing 1 walks around moaning and throwing his arms around like the happy hey guy at the car dealership. At this point the hubs starts to wake and asks me what happened to which I replied, "I told them to read a book with me." To which he laughed and said, "Oh now you've done it." I promptly threw myself on the floor and gave my best moaning, sighing, flailing, speaking in tongues, Oscar performance. The Things stood over me concerned for my well being. Next thing I knew, the Hubs joined me on the floor for his solid performance in, " Parenteral reverse psychology tantrum". By golly it worked, the Things were thoroughly amused and we the parents had a well deserved win under our belts. Then tickle fight happened, not Polar Fucking Express or Jungle book just some fun tickle torture with the kids. For the record kids suck at tickling, it more hurts then anything else. Thing 2 thought it would be fun to tickle my eyes. Classic Thing 2.
I made lunch, we ate it. Thing 2 and the hubs go down for a nap. Thing 1 and I go to the blue mall. We HAVE TO do the Blue Mall circuit. We go over the Blue Mall plans with Thing 2 8 times during the drive and it went a little something like this...
Thing 1: Momma?
Momma: Yes.
Thing 1: When we go to the Blue Mall we have to go get some lunchies first ok?
Momma: ok
Thing 1: Then after lunchies we go to the park, the inside one ok?
Momma: ok
Thing 1: The after the park we go to look at toys where the Thomas is ok?
Momma: ok
Thing 1: Then after that we go to look at more toys ok?
Momma: ok
Thing 1: Then after that you don't look at anything else then we get a bun from the cake store and then we go home ok?
Momma: ok... wait, I cannot look at anything?
Thing 1: No you are no allowed.
Momma: Why am I not allowed?
Thing 1:Momma you can't look at things because your things are all gone and all your stores are closed.
Momma: really?
Thing 1: Yes momma, you can't go to the closed stores, they are all locked up.
Momma: really.
Thing 1: Yes and momma I want to look at the excovader
Momma: Do you want to ride the escalator?
Thing 1: No momma it is too dangerous.
Momma: You have a solid point son.
Repeat 8X
Thing 1 bananer count: 4 (He is back on bananers)
Thing 2 bail count: 6 that I saw 2 that I saved
Thing 1 saying "Momma" count: 4,560 (in one day)
Thing 2 new cutest sentence: "Whud dis dat ting called?"
Momma and the Hubs: Warm and Fuzzys from the cutest kids in the world.
A special shout out to my pal that rhymes with Blarmen for a super happy birthday!
Hugs and Shit
The Momma
The happy hey guy at the car dealership
What happened today you say? Well, I tutored 2 awesome kids and then I rejoined my family to find the hubs sleeping in the rocking chair with the kids still in their PJs and no one had breakfast yet. Classic. Ah yes, it is going to be one of those days. So if you cannot beat em, join em. I changed back into my jammies and lay down on the couch and let the Things crawl all over me. Thing 1 wanted to watch the Jungle Book for the 50th time and Thing 2 wanted to watch The Polar Fucking Express. No, no Christmas in July and no more Jungle Book. I say to the Things, "How about we read books?" Well, you'd think I had pissed in their unmade cornflakes. Oh the humanity! Thing 2, in slo-mo, throws himself on the floor and writhes around like a snake on fire. And Thing 1 walks around moaning and throwing his arms around like the happy hey guy at the car dealership. At this point the hubs starts to wake and asks me what happened to which I replied, "I told them to read a book with me." To which he laughed and said, "Oh now you've done it." I promptly threw myself on the floor and gave my best moaning, sighing, flailing, speaking in tongues, Oscar performance. The Things stood over me concerned for my well being. Next thing I knew, the Hubs joined me on the floor for his solid performance in, " Parenteral reverse psychology tantrum". By golly it worked, the Things were thoroughly amused and we the parents had a well deserved win under our belts. Then tickle fight happened, not Polar Fucking Express or Jungle book just some fun tickle torture with the kids. For the record kids suck at tickling, it more hurts then anything else. Thing 2 thought it would be fun to tickle my eyes. Classic Thing 2.
I made lunch, we ate it. Thing 2 and the hubs go down for a nap. Thing 1 and I go to the blue mall. We HAVE TO do the Blue Mall circuit. We go over the Blue Mall plans with Thing 2 8 times during the drive and it went a little something like this...
Thing 1: Momma?
Momma: Yes.
Thing 1: When we go to the Blue Mall we have to go get some lunchies first ok?
Momma: ok
Thing 1: Then after lunchies we go to the park, the inside one ok?
Momma: ok
Thing 1: The after the park we go to look at toys where the Thomas is ok?
Momma: ok
Thing 1: Then after that we go to look at more toys ok?
Momma: ok
Thing 1: Then after that you don't look at anything else then we get a bun from the cake store and then we go home ok?
Momma: ok... wait, I cannot look at anything?
Thing 1: No you are no allowed.
Momma: Why am I not allowed?
Thing 1:Momma you can't look at things because your things are all gone and all your stores are closed.
Momma: really?
Thing 1: Yes momma, you can't go to the closed stores, they are all locked up.
Momma: really.
Thing 1: Yes and momma I want to look at the excovader
Momma: Do you want to ride the escalator?
Thing 1: No momma it is too dangerous.
Momma: You have a solid point son.
Repeat 8X
Thing 1 bananer count: 4 (He is back on bananers)
Thing 2 bail count: 6 that I saw 2 that I saved
Thing 1 saying "Momma" count: 4,560 (in one day)
Thing 2 new cutest sentence: "Whud dis dat ting called?"
Momma and the Hubs: Warm and Fuzzys from the cutest kids in the world.
A special shout out to my pal that rhymes with Blarmen for a super happy birthday!
Hugs and Shit
The Momma
The happy hey guy at the car dealership
Friday 18 July 2014
A Fart is a Wish Your Butt Makes...
So farting is back on the map...
A new study shows that smelling farts can be beneficial to one's health due to the sulfur that is emitted into the air.
"Sulfur is found in every living cell. It's part of the molecules that form the amino acids (protein building blocks) methionine, cysteine, and taurine, which are essential for health. It's a constituent of vitamin B1 and biotin, the antioxidant glutathione, the anticoagulant heparin, and coenzyme A, which drives energy production in cells. Sulfur is an integral part of the biological cement that forms skin, hair, nails, and the cartilage that shapes your nose and pads your joints." -Awesome Medical Fart Journal
Man, I must be healthy. Happy Farting!
A new study shows that smelling farts can be beneficial to one's health due to the sulfur that is emitted into the air.
"Sulfur is found in every living cell. It's part of the molecules that form the amino acids (protein building blocks) methionine, cysteine, and taurine, which are essential for health. It's a constituent of vitamin B1 and biotin, the antioxidant glutathione, the anticoagulant heparin, and coenzyme A, which drives energy production in cells. Sulfur is an integral part of the biological cement that forms skin, hair, nails, and the cartilage that shapes your nose and pads your joints." -Awesome Medical Fart Journal
Man, I must be healthy. Happy Farting!
Monday 14 July 2014
A decision... and a good one at that!
Gawd we are cute.
I made a decision... I decided before going away on an couples only wino weekend with some dear friends that I will have a good time. Weird huh. I know. So what goes through the mind of a 200 lbs+ momma anticipating 40+ weather? A million and five things:
Less clothes = less confident
Kelowna = a hot bed of hot bods
200+lbs = super sweat like a swimming pool in your pants
200+lbs = 2 plus size clothing options: 80 year old grandma clothes or barely there
Beach = bathing suit and all my wibbly bits out
Sun = lots of sunscreen and irritability on high
40+ heat = chaffing
40+ heat = perpetual red in the face
Going with normal-sized friends = odd man out
Continental breakfast = eating in front of your friends and the public
Communal lunches and dinners = eating in front of your friends and the public
Walking around, being in the public eye = fear of public shaming and staring
Having a normal-size husband at my side = husband must have a fetish for fat chicks
Drunk people = saying stupid mean things
And more...
But you know what I made a decision. I made up my mind that I am going to have a good time. All those horrible thoughts floated away as I turned them over. I said, "Hey Universe, here are my depressive thoughts, take them, because I will not need them."
In a nutshell... I had an amazing time.
Don't mess with me, I am feeling great.
I made a decision... I decided before going away on an couples only wino weekend with some dear friends that I will have a good time. Weird huh. I know. So what goes through the mind of a 200 lbs+ momma anticipating 40+ weather? A million and five things:
Less clothes = less confident
Kelowna = a hot bed of hot bods
200+lbs = super sweat like a swimming pool in your pants
200+lbs = 2 plus size clothing options: 80 year old grandma clothes or barely there
Beach = bathing suit and all my wibbly bits out
Sun = lots of sunscreen and irritability on high
40+ heat = chaffing
40+ heat = perpetual red in the face
Going with normal-sized friends = odd man out
Continental breakfast = eating in front of your friends and the public
Communal lunches and dinners = eating in front of your friends and the public
Walking around, being in the public eye = fear of public shaming and staring
Having a normal-size husband at my side = husband must have a fetish for fat chicks
Drunk people = saying stupid mean things
And more...
But you know what I made a decision. I made up my mind that I am going to have a good time. All those horrible thoughts floated away as I turned them over. I said, "Hey Universe, here are my depressive thoughts, take them, because I will not need them."
In a nutshell... I had an amazing time.
Don't mess with me, I am feeling great.
Thursday 10 July 2014
Dentist Strikes Again...
Today was a lay-about day. Thing 1 was NOT impressed. You know I say
lay-about but it was anything but. I woke up at 7:20
AM to my husband's alarm and thank goodness for that as my alarm
decides that today it will be radio-alarm day. I don't know about you but I
need the soul shaking, mind shattering, fucking car alarm, obnoxious sounding
eeehhh ehhhh eeehhhh for me to wake. I am legendary for my sleeping skills. I
have slept through thunder storms, hockey games, birthday parties and even a
54-40 concert, granted I was on a couch. I digress. I have not woken from an
alarm since my last day at my last job back in January 2012. It was shocking
and downright asshole inducing. So today was dentist day. Oh yes, the fucking
dentist. Like my son I am an antidentite. Well, that is not entirely true as
you see my dentist is very good looking and super charming. I get kind of
flummoxed and say random gibberish like, "Today hot, me sad." Fack.
But once again I am reminded that the universe has got my back and they have installed
TVs on the ceilings with netflicks. Sweet Jesus, the day got more amazing and I
didn't even notice dr. smoldering-pants.
I thought I would try out the series called "Derek" with Ricky Gervais. I am a big fan of Mr. Gervais! The way he hosted the Golden Globes a couple of years back was fucking brilliant. So standard procedure; big ass needle, freezing, dental dam and let the fun begin. I had no clue, I was so fixated on the TV trying to hold back laughter and had tears leaving the corner of my eyes. A dentist chair, mouth dam, drill wielding dentist is a tricky operation. Dr. McDreamy-Head had to stop and look up to see what I was watching and then asked if I was crying. I responded, "Yes, I am crying, this is the best dentist visit of my life!" He then asked, "What are you watching?!" to which I wiped the tears from my frozen face, assuming they were there and replied, "Derek" For the rest of the session I did my best to not move which was extremely difficult since I have discovered Dentist giggles are way worse and more dangerous than church giggles, although, that is up for debate.
Got home from best Dentist visit ever
The Things attacked
Hubs left for work
Ate breaky
Momma helper arrived at 11 AM to play with the kids for 2 hours while I worked
Momma helpers... best thing ever!
I have a neighbourhood kid who is 10 and amazing who has offered her momma helper in-house babysitting services. It is bloody brilliant! She plays with the kids for 2 hours while I am at home so I can work and she gets $5/hour. So awesome. I have even debated in my head if a one hour nap is worth $5, by the way yes, yes it is.
Worked my butt off
Played with kids
Thing 2 actually went down for his nap today. Thing 2 - Zero Nap- 1
Thing 1 and I baked muffins
Thing 1 and I played outside
Thing 2 awake
Thing 1 mad Thing 2 is awake
Too bad
Life sucks trucks when you are 5
Temporarily sympathize with Thing 1 as Thing 2 has become a terrorist
Hubs comes home
Tutor 2 awesome kids
Dinner
Bedtime
Clean kitchen
Clean playroom
Clean living room
Now in office procrastinating real work.
Moral of the story: Find a good looking Dentist with Netflicks.
Rocks in my purse count: 2
Bananers: none
Banana muffins: 2 dozen
Thing 2 bail count: at least 4 that I saw
Thing 1 whine count: 11 billion and 4
Edited Writing: Zero
Idea for dentists everywhere: Provide magna doodles to patients so we can communicate with you
After all is said and done, I have the bestest hubs and Things in the world. I would not trade em for anything. Well maybe trade them for a trip to the space station Mir.
Hugs and Shit
The Momma
Man we are cute. (My seester and Bro)
I thought I would try out the series called "Derek" with Ricky Gervais. I am a big fan of Mr. Gervais! The way he hosted the Golden Globes a couple of years back was fucking brilliant. So standard procedure; big ass needle, freezing, dental dam and let the fun begin. I had no clue, I was so fixated on the TV trying to hold back laughter and had tears leaving the corner of my eyes. A dentist chair, mouth dam, drill wielding dentist is a tricky operation. Dr. McDreamy-Head had to stop and look up to see what I was watching and then asked if I was crying. I responded, "Yes, I am crying, this is the best dentist visit of my life!" He then asked, "What are you watching?!" to which I wiped the tears from my frozen face, assuming they were there and replied, "Derek" For the rest of the session I did my best to not move which was extremely difficult since I have discovered Dentist giggles are way worse and more dangerous than church giggles, although, that is up for debate.
Got home from best Dentist visit ever
The Things attacked
Hubs left for work
Ate breaky
Momma helper arrived at 11 AM to play with the kids for 2 hours while I worked
Momma helpers... best thing ever!
I have a neighbourhood kid who is 10 and amazing who has offered her momma helper in-house babysitting services. It is bloody brilliant! She plays with the kids for 2 hours while I am at home so I can work and she gets $5/hour. So awesome. I have even debated in my head if a one hour nap is worth $5, by the way yes, yes it is.
Worked my butt off
Played with kids
Thing 2 actually went down for his nap today. Thing 2 - Zero Nap- 1
Thing 1 and I baked muffins
Thing 1 and I played outside
Thing 2 awake
Thing 1 mad Thing 2 is awake
Too bad
Life sucks trucks when you are 5
Temporarily sympathize with Thing 1 as Thing 2 has become a terrorist
Hubs comes home
Tutor 2 awesome kids
Dinner
Bedtime
Clean kitchen
Clean playroom
Clean living room
Now in office procrastinating real work.
Moral of the story: Find a good looking Dentist with Netflicks.
Rocks in my purse count: 2
Bananers: none
Banana muffins: 2 dozen
Thing 2 bail count: at least 4 that I saw
Thing 1 whine count: 11 billion and 4
Edited Writing: Zero
Idea for dentists everywhere: Provide magna doodles to patients so we can communicate with you
After all is said and done, I have the bestest hubs and Things in the world. I would not trade em for anything. Well maybe trade them for a trip to the space station Mir.
Hugs and Shit
Man we are cute. (My seester and Bro)
Monday 7 July 2014
Bulstrode, Birthdays and Bears.
So today was awesome... it really was, I am bad a sarcasm.
Woke up to snoring hungover hubs. So hilarious. I always say, go for it, drink have a fun time but you better be able to deal with the morning. yaya he says. I show no mercy. I sick the Things on him and then head down stairs for my tutoring student. Yep, no sympathy. If it was any other Sunday, sure whatever, but today was Thing 1's 5th birthday party. Tutored awesome kid <insert tangent here> and back upstairs to mayhem. Thing 1 has poured himself a mega huge bowl of cereal, clearly had 3 bites and proclaimed he was done. Thing 2 had taken out all the DVDs and was walking around with cases and stacks of bare DVDs with nasty sticky fingerprints all over them. And the hubs, oh the hubs, sleeping on the couch with a mountain of clean laundry strewn all around him in some sort of cozy effed up bird's nest. Classic.
Tangent... Thing 1's bday is at an outdoor pool with a picnic to follow. Threat of rain imminent. 1.5 hours prior to start of party. Call the parks and rec they say yep still on. Message all the party goers. Party on! Change of Plans... go to pool if rains who cares, picnic gotta change it up. Message to party folks, Pool yes picnic at our place afterwards. done, I am the master. Now to start the cleaning!
I wake up the husband beast and he is really not feeling well. No time to waste... press forward!
Mega clean the main floor of the house. Thing 1 so excited about party and asking 2000 cute questions. Thing 2 sensing excitement and follows after the clean up like a tornado whipping up match box cars like a crazy son-of-a-bitch. Classic. Hubs manages coffee and shower. I manage... kids, proper breaky, pack swim stuff, neighbour kid comes for a ride, sweep, prep food, bday decor, clean and entertain the Things. Hubs post shower manages to vacuum the 2 area rugs, take the clean laundry upstairs and put the leaf in the table. Impressed. He does not complain. After all was said and done we had 15 minutes to kill and hubs went and died a little bit on the freshly vacuumed rug. Then, the best part of all, the Things went in for an unprovoked attack on the hubs. I sat back and giggled.
Pool party! The moment we stepped into the pool the rain came down. The moment we stepped out of the pool the rain stopped. A special shout out to Neighbour kid and friends who rhyme with Bleff, Blessica and they cute daughter Blevie for swimming in the rain, it was glorious!
Left the pool, went back to our place where a steady stream of awesome friends came to have cake, hotdogs, watermelon, chips and prezzies. nom nom nom. My house it way too small for that sort of entertaining. haha! It was awesome and fun and thank you y'all for coming Thing 1 had a really fun time!
Post party... Tutored another awesome kid and then upstairs to nap on the couch. I told the hubs to deal. He was a good sport.
Tangent - lovely friend messages me the night before party... I think I goofed up on Thing 1's present. I say what did you get him I am sure it will be fine. She wrote I got him a Thomas (the tank engine) Bullstrode and it says it is ages 18 months +. I thought it was a typo so I googled "Bulstrode" and no shitting you it came up with this on WikiThomas: Bulstrode is a highly disagreeable barge. I was highly amused by this. I wrote back something to the effect of Thing 1 would love a bulstrode! And then for the rest of the night used the word "bulstrode" as a super offend-able insult because no one wants to be called a highly disagreeable barge, not me anyway.
Moral of the story... Don't be a bulstrode because I will call you on your shit.
Thing 2 bail count: 6 that I saw
Thing 1 bananer count: zero, I really have to stop buying effin' bananers
Purse rock count: 8
Loving the friends and fam count: Infinity plus one, force field, no take backs
(yes bulstrode, I mean hubs you are included too)
PS- No bears here, I just needed a 3rd B word for my alliteration.
Hugs and shit
The MOmma
Don't be this guy... effin' Bulstrode
Woke up to snoring hungover hubs. So hilarious. I always say, go for it, drink have a fun time but you better be able to deal with the morning. yaya he says. I show no mercy. I sick the Things on him and then head down stairs for my tutoring student. Yep, no sympathy. If it was any other Sunday, sure whatever, but today was Thing 1's 5th birthday party. Tutored awesome kid <insert tangent here> and back upstairs to mayhem. Thing 1 has poured himself a mega huge bowl of cereal, clearly had 3 bites and proclaimed he was done. Thing 2 had taken out all the DVDs and was walking around with cases and stacks of bare DVDs with nasty sticky fingerprints all over them. And the hubs, oh the hubs, sleeping on the couch with a mountain of clean laundry strewn all around him in some sort of cozy effed up bird's nest. Classic.
Tangent... Thing 1's bday is at an outdoor pool with a picnic to follow. Threat of rain imminent. 1.5 hours prior to start of party. Call the parks and rec they say yep still on. Message all the party goers. Party on! Change of Plans... go to pool if rains who cares, picnic gotta change it up. Message to party folks, Pool yes picnic at our place afterwards. done, I am the master. Now to start the cleaning!
I wake up the husband beast and he is really not feeling well. No time to waste... press forward!
Mega clean the main floor of the house. Thing 1 so excited about party and asking 2000 cute questions. Thing 2 sensing excitement and follows after the clean up like a tornado whipping up match box cars like a crazy son-of-a-bitch. Classic. Hubs manages coffee and shower. I manage... kids, proper breaky, pack swim stuff, neighbour kid comes for a ride, sweep, prep food, bday decor, clean and entertain the Things. Hubs post shower manages to vacuum the 2 area rugs, take the clean laundry upstairs and put the leaf in the table. Impressed. He does not complain. After all was said and done we had 15 minutes to kill and hubs went and died a little bit on the freshly vacuumed rug. Then, the best part of all, the Things went in for an unprovoked attack on the hubs. I sat back and giggled.
Pool party! The moment we stepped into the pool the rain came down. The moment we stepped out of the pool the rain stopped. A special shout out to Neighbour kid and friends who rhyme with Bleff, Blessica and they cute daughter Blevie for swimming in the rain, it was glorious!
Left the pool, went back to our place where a steady stream of awesome friends came to have cake, hotdogs, watermelon, chips and prezzies. nom nom nom. My house it way too small for that sort of entertaining. haha! It was awesome and fun and thank you y'all for coming Thing 1 had a really fun time!
Post party... Tutored another awesome kid and then upstairs to nap on the couch. I told the hubs to deal. He was a good sport.
Tangent - lovely friend messages me the night before party... I think I goofed up on Thing 1's present. I say what did you get him I am sure it will be fine. She wrote I got him a Thomas (the tank engine) Bullstrode and it says it is ages 18 months +. I thought it was a typo so I googled "Bulstrode" and no shitting you it came up with this on WikiThomas: Bulstrode is a highly disagreeable barge. I was highly amused by this. I wrote back something to the effect of Thing 1 would love a bulstrode! And then for the rest of the night used the word "bulstrode" as a super offend-able insult because no one wants to be called a highly disagreeable barge, not me anyway.
Moral of the story... Don't be a bulstrode because I will call you on your shit.
Thing 2 bail count: 6 that I saw
Thing 1 bananer count: zero, I really have to stop buying effin' bananers
Purse rock count: 8
Loving the friends and fam count: Infinity plus one, force field, no take backs
(yes bulstrode, I mean hubs you are included too)
PS- No bears here, I just needed a 3rd B word for my alliteration.
Hugs and shit
The MOmma
Don't be this guy... effin' Bulstrode
Friday 4 July 2014
Snorting and other gifts from nature
So friends... Thing 1 has discovered that you can have fun with water by snorting it. He discovered this in the bath with bath water no less. Thing 1 called me and the hubs int he bathroom to witness this. We were trying to warn him that one of these times the water snorting will burn but we could not stop laughing long enough to tell him. Then it happened. You know the feeling when you jump into the pool and you did not appropriately expel air out of your nose and you get the lovely burning sensation? Well that happened. He panicked a little and said, "Oh no! My burning nose!" Oh my goodness. What a sweet and silly darling. Promptly after the water snorting he had a huge bath fart and gassed himself and lived to tell the tale.
Life is never boring.
By the way if you are bored you are actually sad inside. Boredom is a form of sadness and boredom is the gateway to creativity! So get bored and create magic!
Thing 1 bananer count: 2
Thing 2 bail count: at least 7
Times the Things made me laugh today: at least 15
Movie of the Month: Despicable Me
Hugs and Shit
The Momma
Life is never boring.
By the way if you are bored you are actually sad inside. Boredom is a form of sadness and boredom is the gateway to creativity! So get bored and create magic!
Thing 1 bananer count: 2
Thing 2 bail count: at least 7
Times the Things made me laugh today: at least 15
Movie of the Month: Despicable Me
Hugs and Shit
The Momma
Tuesday 1 July 2014
Dandelions and Stuff...
What do you get when you cross a stay at home mom with a business owner? I dunno I am still working out the punchline to my life.
So what happened today?
Woke up to the hubs placing Thing 2 on my bed to which I got a swift Thing 2 heel right in my eye socket. Classic. I honestly saw a star, just one. It hurt, a lot. It feels like I have a bruised eyeball but I have nothing to show for it. Not even a light shade of purple.
Got the Things dressed and took them on a walk to the river. I made sure this time I had water socks as Thing 2 likes to walk right into the river running shoes and all. He doesn't care. He doesn't even know. 2 year olds... so apathetic to a momma's plight.
We get there and the river was awesome! The boys could easily spend the rest of their days filling the river up with rocks. And hour and half later... dirty, wet and very happy boys. I got some reading and writing in. PURE BLISS! Thing 1 wants to go back tomorrow because, in his words, "Momma we need to fill the river with more rocks for the fish to hide." Thing 2 just keeps saying "Again? Again? Again? Again?" so frackin cute.
We head home and get Thing 2 up for a nap. Thing 2 slept for 3 hours! I was very jealous. I got a bunch of clovers and dandelions from Thing 1. We put them in a little cup. That is where the lucky and precious dandelions go to die. Tutored awesome kid, dinner and now work... such a great day.
Purse rock count: 11
Thing 1 bananer count: 2
Thing 2 bail count: 11
Thing 2 throw-myself-to-the-ground-because-the-world-is-full-of-turds-count: 6
Thing 2 destroying DVDs count: 3
Satisfied Momma of the Things: 1
Thanks for reading you peeping tom...
Hugs & Shit
The Momma
So what happened today?
Woke up to the hubs placing Thing 2 on my bed to which I got a swift Thing 2 heel right in my eye socket. Classic. I honestly saw a star, just one. It hurt, a lot. It feels like I have a bruised eyeball but I have nothing to show for it. Not even a light shade of purple.
Got the Things dressed and took them on a walk to the river. I made sure this time I had water socks as Thing 2 likes to walk right into the river running shoes and all. He doesn't care. He doesn't even know. 2 year olds... so apathetic to a momma's plight.
We get there and the river was awesome! The boys could easily spend the rest of their days filling the river up with rocks. And hour and half later... dirty, wet and very happy boys. I got some reading and writing in. PURE BLISS! Thing 1 wants to go back tomorrow because, in his words, "Momma we need to fill the river with more rocks for the fish to hide." Thing 2 just keeps saying "Again? Again? Again? Again?" so frackin cute.
We head home and get Thing 2 up for a nap. Thing 2 slept for 3 hours! I was very jealous. I got a bunch of clovers and dandelions from Thing 1. We put them in a little cup. That is where the lucky and precious dandelions go to die. Tutored awesome kid, dinner and now work... such a great day.
Purse rock count: 11
Thing 1 bananer count: 2
Thing 2 bail count: 11
Thing 2 throw-myself-to-the-ground-because-the-world-is-full-of-turds-count: 6
Thing 2 destroying DVDs count: 3
Satisfied Momma of the Things: 1
Thanks for reading you peeping tom...
Hugs & Shit
The Momma
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