Captain Climate Control!

Today... the time was 5:30 PM. My awesome tutoring client has arrived. No hubs to be found. I have managed to feed kids, get dressed up for meeting, clean kitchen, changed bedsheets, tidy house, scrub out deep fryer, put away endless toys, empty dishwasher and get 3 loads of laundry done. I even shaved my legs! BAM! Super mom day. I am tutoring awesome kid, my Things, unsupervised, are watching Thomas the Train and all jacked up on the tablet. Hubs finally comes home, kinda late. Awesome tutoring kid asks for glass of water. I go upstairs. See hubs. Give him a hug. He asks what the bag of garbage is in the sink. (snarky mcsnarkerson)  I say it is the watermelon rinds from an entire watermelon. Hubs pet peeve is garbage in the sink. I have double bagged the rinds. Hubs is annoyed. I have put watermelon rinds in the garbage before and it makes a terrible watery slush mess, I was told not to put them there. I thought I was doing something right! I rarely take out garbage. We have determined that garbage is the hubs chore, nothing new. He complains about the garbage again. I calmly say to him, "Take a look around" and then walked out of the room like a BOSS! Yeah that's right.
The airing of the grievances!

The momma's pet peeves: Find hubs socks everywhere, little shaving hairs everywhere and I mean everywhere, burning tire farts in bed, used boy toilets, leaving the ironing stuff out every Monday for me to put it away, rearranging my work, origami folding my t-shirts, trying to teach me how to fold a fitted sheet, refolding my towels, newspapers on the dining room table all the time, putting the kids to bed waaaay to late, strangely obsessive about home climate control...etc...

Note to all the hubs out there reading this.... look around first then lodge a complaint. If the house is spotless and the children are happy and all you have to do is sit down and eat after coming home from work, just sit and enjoy. The hubs realized his faux pas and now owes me a foot rub or something. For the record I have an amazing hubs he is just usually a stress mess when he gets home from work. Doesn't mean I get all 1950s prozac on him, just means I get to call him on his shit and in turn he gets to call me on mine and thank Gord for that!

Thing 1 bananer count 1
Thing 1 watermelon count 1
Thing 2 bail count 4 that I saw
No funkin' fig bars to count

**Note to all potential parents out there... when you give your child the middle name Fox, it will come out as a swear word for a few years**

Hugs and Shit

The Momma

                                                                The Garbage Natzi

                                                            Captain Climate Control
                                                            The best hubs award 2014

Got Rocks?

Today was "Takin' the Bus Friday." Every Friday Thing 1 announces it is the day to take the bus! My schedule-lovin' son-of-a-bitch. Now if you have ever lived with someone who has Aspergers and has anxiety this is the day to live! Thing 1 loves buses and is obsessed with schedules and times but kick in the anxiety and he is captain stress mess but through it all loves every minute of it. Go figure. Once again, I am baffled. Today, while on the bus, Thing 1 asked me approximately 24 times which bus we were on and which bus we were getting on next, which mall we were going to and what the schedule was going to be once we got inside the mall. Classic.  Then asked me what was the number of each bus we saw on our journey. Just when you think you are done... repeat the line of questioning. Bless him. He also asks me what we are doing next and what are we doing tomorrow. My brain goes on auto pilot, I start agreeing to things that I had no idea what he had just said. I think I owe Thing 1 an ice cream, a Thomas Train Set and maybe even a puppy. He won't forget, I guess I will find out later. Thing 2 is into a nose picking phase. Now I know all kids nose pick BUT Thing 2's nose picking habits are with other people's noses. Thing 2 did a hard-core, surprise attack, nose picking on me on the bus. I swear he touched brain. Thing 2 laughed. Thing 1 laughed and then I felt it. I felt the warm flow of blood. Classic. I have never in my life had my nose picked so hard by someone else that is bled. Thing 2 clapped and laughed at the sight and Thing 1 freaked out. I grabbed a diaper from the bag and it did the trick. Everyone needs a good bus story. Today the passengers on the C36 just got theirs.

Thing 2 bail count: 6 that I saw
Bus Friday Bus count... 22
No fig bars to count
Thing 1 bananer count 1
Rocks found in my purse 5

I am such a lucky mom to be blessed with 5 rocks to call my own and 2 boys to make a home.

Hugs and Shit

The MOMMA

Yes, the Hubs is pinching the cheek of Bob Hallet from Great Big Sea. And I am getting a side hug from Alan Doyle. Best. Day. Ever.

And the Oscar goes to....

A random 5 minute snippet plucked out of my day...

The time was 10 AM. We were ready leaving to do pet store, dollar store, rainbow toy store (Toys R Us) circuit. Thing 1 insists he wear his boots, fine. I pull them out of the closet. Thing 1 insists Thing 2 wears boots, fine get those out of the closet. Thing 1 insists that I wear boots. I say no. Thing 1 is pissed. Thing 2 refused to eat breakfast this morning and is currently noshing on a small bowl of crackers. Thing 2 is mad that he is wearing boots. Thing 1 insisting he wear the green jacket which is in the laundry. I tell Thing 1 sorry you have to wear blue jacket. Thing 1 getting really pissed. Thing 2 taking off his boots and spilling crackers. Thing 1 yelling at Thing 2. Thing 2 grunting and hitting Thing 1. Classic. I tell Thing 1 you are wearing your boots and putting on the blue jacket. We are at an impasse. I negotiate with Thing 1, he is now wearing running shoes and blue jacket. I dunno, it's baffling. Thing 1 pestering me to open garage door. I tell Thing 1 to wait as Thing 2 is not ready. Thing 2 wants runners, sure. When garage door opens no matter what state Thing 2 is in he bee-lines to the door. Tell Thing 1 to stop asking me to open garage door until Thing 2 is ready. Thing 1 jumps up and opens garage door. Fack. Thing 2 bolts. I grab Thing 2. Thing 2 is pissed and throws the rest of his crackers on the floor. Thing 2 proceeds to roll around and scream in the pile of crackers. Thing 1 now reefing on the car door and peppering me with requests to unlock the door. I stop. I walk upstairs. I think to myself... this is happening and I am ok. I calmly grab the dust buster and a new bowl of crackers, taking my time. Mini vacay. I make my way downstairs to royally pissed off  Thing 1 and 2. Thing 2 is now crying and eating and rolling in the crackers. Thing 1 is saying to me, "Momma you open the doors? Yes or No?" I calmly pick up Thing 2 and dust him off. I give him new bowl of crackers and put on his jacket and runners. Thing 2 is temporarily happy. I finally unlock the car door, Thing 1 makes his way in. I pick up Thing 2 and his hand with the bowl of crackers hits the door and it falls. Crackers on floor. Thing 2 crying and hitting me like it is my fault. I calmly place Thing 2 into the car. Both Things are strapped in. Thing 2 screaming and crying for crackers. I go back inside. I take my time. I clean up round 2 crackers and saunter upstairs for another bowl. Second mini vacay. Awesome. I get into the car. Thing 2 has removed socks and shoes and eating crackers he found in his car seat. Thing 1 asks for a fig bar. I turn around and in my calmest momma voice say. No, we are leaving. Well holy turd burgers...You'd think the world had exploded.  Thing 1 has a whining mini fit and Thing 2 throws his crackers on the car floor in support of Thing 1. And you know what?  I didn't even care. The rest of the day was gold. That was just the ridiculous 5 minutes that deserves an Oscar. And BTW there may or may not be crackers on the car floor and I don't even care. I hope they get mashed in with a fig bar.

Amazing Actor in a supporting role nominee - Thing 1
Amazing Actor in a supporting role nominee - Thing 2
Amazing Actress in a lead role nominee - The Momma
And the Oscar goes to...... The Momma! For her role in Momma is not giving into rage performance.

Nailed it.
Fig bars - none left (FUCKING
YES!)
Thing 2 bail count: 5
Thing 1 bananer count: 3
Oscar win: 1

Hugs and Shit
The Momma

Throw Back Thursday... ah yes.. to be 26 again.

Super Rainbows & Happy Butterflies Posting

You know what a really great word is? "Turd". It is bloody fantastical. It is not considered a swear word but vulgar enough to be one. It can be used in a variety of different ways such as; naming your fish (Turd Ferguson, Regional Director of Sales) or insulting someone (turd-burger or turdlette). You can even use it as an adjective such as, "Don't be a turdish weenie!" Or as a verb, "I am turding right now." Heck I will stretch it and use it as an adverb, "He smelled very turdily bad today." I once in a while throw down the word as an interjection. "Turd-Burger, I really wanted a duck last Thursday!" I always said if my crappy jellyfish art got big I would start up a company called: "The World is Full of Turds Incorporated" I once had a co-worker from Ireland and we would get him to say, "It is 3:33 in the morning on the corner of Third and Thurlow" Which would come out as... "It tis tree turdy tree in the mornin on the corner of turd and turlow" See how great Turd is?! I digress... into nothingness...

Thing 2 bail count: at least 105
Thing 1 bananer count: 2
Fig bars all accounted for
Thing 2 politically rally 1
Thing 1 & 2 first strike support 1

Love the Momma-Turd

Turd Burger

The Weekend of the Momma!

What the hell happened this weekend?! I blinked that is what happened! Friday night I played my first softball game in 3 years. The first hits, first throws, first everything in 3 years. I am not a competitive person by nature but I can be incredibly hard on myself. You put me down, I have already down that to myself ten fold. It is not something I am proud of, it is a character defect and I am working hard to let it go. I promised myself that when I play, I play to have fun and have no expectations of myself. Bloody hell, it worked. I calmed the fuck down. I did my thing and did just fine. I mention all of this because if it wasn't for parenthood I don't think I would have learned this very valuable lesson. That's right, you heard me, the Things leveled me out and taught me to chill out because after all it's just laundry. So Friday night was awesome, thank you friend that rhymes with Blavis. You have a very fun team and I am so happy and grateful I get to be a part of it in some way. So Saturday... I woke up to Thing 2 yelping in his room. What the hell? Why yelping? Then I quickly remember that he is 2. Yelping is fun. I get ready for work... I have 5 students today... back to back. 5 hours of non-stop teaching nuttiness. My tutoring methods are sometimes unconventional. I find it necessary for all the ADHD energy I deal with. I love it. I really really do. There is nothing better than seeing a kid's light bulb go on after tedious work on a difficult concept. Mind Blown. Love it. After the 5 hours of hoopla a pal of mine picked me up and we went for a massage and a yummy prevening meal. It was so nice to eat while food was hot and to talk with another adult with out hearing Momma! every 20 seconds. I need a "Momma!" counter. It would probably be over 150 mommas/day. Came home from a divine afternoon of spa and good pal that rhymes with Blym. I get home to chaos. I mean really I have not seen my family all day which was really fucking nice and sad all at the same time. make sense?  The hubs was on a cleaning tirade and that means he is a angry combine harvester. You just get the fuck out of the way. Don't ask questions. Don't look at him. Don't even try to hug him. But boy I do not complain as shit was getting clean and I had NOTHING to do with it. This really should have been the weekend of the momma. All things came up momma.  The hubs finished up, I helped a little where I could. The Things were doing a fine job of watching Shrek and staying out of the way. By the way Polar Fucking Express is so last month and Shrek is in. All day, in my head... "Then I saw her face... now I'm a believer..." I have started to rewrite the lyrics and singing them out loud... "I'm a big stress case... I'm a golden retriever.." This is common practice in my house. Most of the time when I sing a song, the lyrics will be wrong not even on purpose. One of many wonderful benefits of living with central auditory processing disorder. It makes life very humorous as what I hear verses what you say can be a very funny thing. Also I have a hard time with word retrieval (tip of the tongue syndrome - but perpetually) A while ago I could not get the word regurgitation out of my mouth (pardon the pun) so I said bird throw up instead. This can lead to what the hubs calls... "Shit my wife says" It's a gift really. SOoooo after the combine harvester finished we chilled put the kids to bed and then Rumoli happened. So. Much. Fun. Super Fun shout out to Blickayla, Blank, Blathy, Blavis, Blike and Blelly. Went to bed, woke up... a tiny bit hung over. Not really. Just tired. Tutored 2 kids, off to my second game in 3 years. I did alright. No complaints. Note to self... run faster. Post game - grocery shopped by myself. Had to go to Stupid Store as the hubs was with out coffee. Shit goes down when the hubs does not have coffee. Captain Cranky-Pants/combine harvester. Go to Stupid Store and not my cute little No Frills. I HATE STUPIDSTORE. just sayin'. It should not take 2 hours to grocery shop. I hate the layout. sticker-shock compared to no frills. It was a rainy Sunday. ugh. Everyone in the Tri-Cities was there including the kid who peed her pants in the middle of the produce section. Awesome. So go home and it was really the first time all weekend I got to spend time with my kids for any length of time. It was awesome. I built a blanket fort, we all got in. I closed it up. I farted something fierce, then I left. I hot boxed the Things with my fart. best. day. ever. Thing 2 has a new fake laugh. So cute and cheesy. Thing 1 demanded I go on all fours so he can ride me like a donkey like in Shrek. awesome. creativity is a flowin'. Thing 2 rammed his fist into my mouth, again, causing me to gag, again. Shot off a cheesy fake laugh and then I was done for. I could not stop laughing and he could not get over how easy it was to make me gag. I wanted to puke a little. Thing 1 played in the garage for 10 minutes with the door open without us knowing only in his underwear. Classic and Classy. And Lastly the HUbs the awesome hubs who gave me a weekend with no complaints... then I looked at the schedule... riiiight... next two weekends are his! Smart Hubs. What a schemer bajeemer. So now it is working on the biz, naturally. Blogging as I am being a tad neglectful.Here is what is on my mind...and on my excel spreadsheet...


The Momma's to do list...

Finish off Biz taxes
Finish Develpong new classes
Register Thing 1 for a couple of Summer classes
Read Autism binder
Prep for meeting with social worker on Tuesday
Interview and hire consultant for Thing 1
Register for the CAN Network
Thing 1 immunizations ugh
Thing 1 pool fete planning
Get babysitter for 3 different dates
Prep business booth for even on Friday
Prep/photocopy and buy items for Friday's event
Mail Tupperware to Alberta
10 Tupper customers who need orders/warranties and or have questions
Pay visa
dentist appointment rebook
call back 3 people who left me messages
return library books
sew up some clothes that need to be fixed
pick up d&D characters for student
And more...

I am not complaining... not at all. I love my life. I love my family, friends and people in general. People are funny and that makes it worth all the while. Finding joy everywhere.

#allfigbarsaccountedfor
#Thing2bailcount7
#Thing1bananercount2
#mommabailcount2
#Shrekwatchcount5

HUGS and shit

The Momma

Anti-mom bloggers

I have 1130 page views. Me thinks it is random people pressing the random blog button, getting my blog page and thinking fack another mom blog. Yes, yes life is tough. Yes, yes, your kid is gifted and so advanced. Blah blah blah. Well sucks to you and your conch anti-mom bloggers. Stop reading anti-mom blogger. Go back to your spas, solo shopping trips and weekend getaways where you belong! So good to get that off my chest. By the way, if you misspell "blah" the suggested word they give you is "Ahab". I don't know why but this amused me to no end.

The other day we went to Jysk as the quest for deck beautification purchases continues! Thing 2 managed to find the coolest walk in wardrobe with a bench and shut the doors and just sat in there. I knocked on the door and he yelled his favorite word... "NO!" Thing 1 and I shopped around the surrounding area as Thing 2 sat in the dark feeling perfectly as peace. Best. Babysitter. Ever. He was pissed when we had to leave. Then he threw himself to the ground. I took one look at him and I said, "Buddy that was so last month." He cocked his head to the side as if he understood. He stood up and walked out like a perfect little gentleman. wow. interesting. I wonder what he thought I said. Parenting, nailed it.

oooo found a second hand mini plug in water fountain today! major score. Our deck beautification is turning into a zen deck of sunshine and happiness. The Things LOVE the waterfall/water wheel cheesy thing. And quite frankly, so do I. 

Thing 2 - New thing... must have a toy, paper, pencil, rock or something in his hand at all time when we go out into the world. Today it brought a huge page of stickers and would not share with the other children. There were about 100 stickers on this page. Thing 2 is such a killjoy. He just carried around like a favorite blankey or toy. What a Nut. Ironically he is allergic to nuts.

Thing 2 bail count: 3
Thing 1 bananer count: 2 that I saw
All fig bars accounted for, I hope.

Hugs and Shit
The Momma

Awesome Possum Momma!

BEES! Your firearms are useless against them!

Just finished up on 3 hours of lesson plans. BAM! like a boss. I want a cookie.

Lesson with a kid...
Famous, infamous and notorious
Here are his sentences he wrote...

You do not want to be famous, trust me. 
I am infamous for my sentence structure.
I am notorious for not replacing the toilet paper roll.

Funny kid.

What a fantastic long weekend! The other night we went to rhymes with Blavis and Raffi's place for a fun park/food/chat visit. Very fun. A very loud shout out to rhymes with Bale's for a fun time. Blavis and Raffi Bale you rock. And thanks for all the bananas.

So what the hell did we do today?

Rain... no rain... ahhhhh! Our plans changed with the passing of the clouds. Finally we got our shit together and headed out to Choo Choo's Restaurant out in Langley. We got to sit in the family room which was filled with train tables, a funkin' train diorama and a Thomas that did laps around the room. It was the first time since having the boys that we could go to a restaurant and not care about them playing or bothering others. Everyone's kids were playing and having an awesome time. The hubs and I got to even chat without the Things terrorizing the vicinity. Must go Back.

Then we headed out to the apiary. BEE FARM! I love bees. Thing1 harassed me for a honey stick and Thing 2 decided to play with a bouncy ball on the ground in front of the cash register. Classic. It was post nap time for Thing 2 so he felt most comfortable lying on the ground after a while. Every time I went to pick him up he whined. I left him there. People were great as they stepped over him and said awww he is so cute. They have no idea he is a part-time terrorist. We finally got the honey and got outta there. nom nom nom... honey. Got home, Thing 2 nap, Thing 1 bike ride, then I went to work. Home based biz, biz. I love my job, I really do. My commute is a bitch, but what do you do.

Dinner, play with Things. Thing 2 took out Thing 1 with a classic around the waist tackle. Impressive. The Things rough house. So adorbs until someone cries. Someone always cries. The hubs and I take bets who is going to cry first. It's a crap shoot. Put the Things to bed. Back to work. Lesson plans from 8:30-12:00. Blogging from 12:30-1ish. 12:30... curious? I drank tea. I sat. All by myself. While it was still fucking hot. Nailed it.

So back to the beeeeeees! One day when The hubs and I no longer live in a strata we will have boxed hives in the backyard. My cousin has bees in her backyard in East Van. Very Impressive. Apparently my ancestors were bee keepers!? So cool.

Today's tally...
Thing 2 bail count... lost count, over 10
Thing 1 bananer count 2
Fig bars... kids still have not clue they are in the house
Nobody touched the poop today
The hubs beautified the deck

Sweet Jesus it is 1 AM.
Hugs and Shit
The Momma