The time was 10 AM. We were ready leaving to do pet store, dollar store, rainbow toy store (Toys R Us) circuit. Thing 1 insists he wear his boots, fine. I pull them out of the closet. Thing 1 insists Thing 2 wears boots, fine get those out of the closet. Thing 1 insists that I wear boots. I say no. Thing 1 is pissed. Thing 2 refused to eat breakfast this morning and is currently noshing on a small bowl of crackers. Thing 2 is mad that he is wearing boots. Thing 1 insisting he wear the green jacket which is in the laundry. I tell Thing 1 sorry you have to wear blue jacket. Thing 1 getting really pissed. Thing 2 taking off his boots and spilling crackers. Thing 1 yelling at Thing 2. Thing 2 grunting and hitting Thing 1. Classic. I tell Thing 1 you are wearing your boots and putting on the blue jacket. We are at an impasse. I negotiate with Thing 1, he is now wearing running shoes and blue jacket. I dunno, it's baffling. Thing 1 pestering me to open garage door. I tell Thing 1 to wait as Thing 2 is not ready. Thing 2 wants runners, sure. When garage door opens no matter what state Thing 2 is in he bee-lines to the door. Tell Thing 1 to stop asking me to open garage door until Thing 2 is ready. Thing 1 jumps up and opens garage door. Fack. Thing 2 bolts. I grab Thing 2. Thing 2 is pissed and throws the rest of his crackers on the floor. Thing 2 proceeds to roll around and scream in the pile of crackers. Thing 1 now reefing on the car door and peppering me with requests to unlock the door. I stop. I walk upstairs. I think to myself... this is happening and I am ok. I calmly grab the dust buster and a new bowl of crackers, taking my time. Mini vacay. I make my way downstairs to royally pissed off Thing 1 and 2. Thing 2 is now crying and eating and rolling in the crackers. Thing 1 is saying to me, "Momma you open the doors? Yes or No?" I calmly pick up Thing 2 and dust him off. I give him new bowl of crackers and put on his jacket and runners. Thing 2 is temporarily happy. I finally unlock the car door, Thing 1 makes his way in. I pick up Thing 2 and his hand with the bowl of crackers hits the door and it falls. Crackers on floor. Thing 2 crying and hitting me like it is my fault. I calmly place Thing 2 into the car. Both Things are strapped in. Thing 2 screaming and crying for crackers. I go back inside. I take my time. I clean up round 2 crackers and saunter upstairs for another bowl. Second mini vacay. Awesome. I get into the car. Thing 2 has removed socks and shoes and eating crackers he found in his car seat. Thing 1 asks for a fig bar. I turn around and in my calmest momma voice say. No, we are leaving. Well holy turd burgers...You'd think the world had exploded. Thing 1 has a whining mini fit and Thing 2 throws his crackers on the car floor in support of Thing 1. And you know what? I didn't even care. The rest of the day was gold. That was just the ridiculous 5 minutes that deserves an Oscar. And BTW there may or may not be crackers on the car floor and I don't even care. I hope they get mashed in with a fig bar.
Amazing Actor in a supporting role nominee - Thing 1
Amazing Actor in a supporting role nominee - Thing 2
Amazing Actress in a lead role nominee - The Momma
And the Oscar goes to...... The Momma! For her role in Momma is not giving into rage performance.
Nailed it.
Fig bars - none left (FUCKING
YES!)
Thing 2 bail count: 5
Thing 1 bananer count: 3
Oscar win: 1
Hugs and Shit
The Momma
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