I was going through my old files I had archived and apparently I used to blog back in the day on live journal.com. Huh, how 'bout them apples, I had completely forgot. Check out this doosey from Wednesday Oct 3rd, 2008. Super Serious Lady.
When I was a kid I
struggled with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was in a constant state of
counting things. I would have to count the tiles on the ceiling, count cars in
a parking lot and even count repetitively the same items over and over. OCD for
me was a coping mechanism it was a way for me to deal with the outside world.
If I felt I could not control the outside world then I could strictly deal with
the inside one. I felt like a broken record that kept on skipping and I could
not make it stop.
I would also have OCD when it came to time
and space. For example, when I would go
out walking I would have to pass the mailbox before the bus would come by 4
steps. If I didn’t make it I would have obsessive weird thoughts about me and
my family dying. Same with when I looked at the clock, if the time had a 2 in
it that would be a bad omen. If it had a 3, 4 or 8 in it all was good with the
world. I would also have to tap things three times of check things three times
which would often warrant strange looks from those around me. I simply could
not help myself. My life was based on these strange rules I had to abide by. I
spend countless hours concentrating on these obsessive number and special tasks
that I didn’t have to deal with emotion or real life. It went beyond the
avoidance as well; it was also about having control and structure in my little
rules-based world it was the one thing I felt in control of. Also, on the
neurological end brain also was behaving like a broken record and the obsessive
rituals were uncontrollable.
Now most people have OCD tendencies. They
have little rituals and play little mind games with themselves; this can be
quite natural as your mind likes to make semblance and order to the world. When
it becomes OCD is when you are overtaken by the rituals and you cannot fully
function as a person. In other words OCD interferes with your life and it can
be devastating.
Now as an adult I no longer deal with OCD
but deal with a different but same problem, eating disorders. The premise it
the same, I am numbing out the outside world, I have control with bizarre
eating rules, and I have repetitive and obsessive thought patterns around food.
At this point in my life I have had several days in a row without eating
disorders and it has been very liberating. Since I have had these clear days it
is interestingly enough I have had little OCD moments. Which means my mind is
trying to rely on old coping mechanisms when the eating disorders are absent.
It is amazing how the mind tries to protect itself.
On a neurological level I have to imagine
my brain as a huge intricate wired network. When I have a thought my brain
sends electrical pulses, shot off by my synapses, though my neuro-net. This
action creates a route in my brain so that the next time I have the thought the
reaction will be quicker and will have memory. When you have obsessive thoughts
the route has a terrific memory and like a muscle has a very strong connection.
In fact the though pattern becomes easier and second nature when the route is
perpetually reinforced by the thought. So when trying to stop biting your
nails, to stop drinking, to stop falling into old thought patterns such as
victimized thinking you have to reroute your neuro-net patterns. This is why it is so difficult to end an
addiction as your brain has been specifically wired to your obsession and has
been reinforced every time you have that particular thought. It is not all doom
and gloom though; you can re-wire your brain to a new set of thought patterns
which requires time and energy. So when I have stopped my obsessive thinking
with food my brain quite naturally reverted to an old way of handling anxiety
with OCD. It is funny because I have not had OCD thoughts for many years but it
tells me I am on the right track to recovery.
In conjunction with synapses firing and
neuro-nets lighting up the brain like a lighting storm, your hypothalamus
releases peptides through the blood stream to all your cells in the body. These
peptides are chemicals that prepare your body for what is coming at you. For
example, you are walking down the street you see a person being mugged, your
synapses fire, your neuro-nets light up and you have past memories of similar
situations flood your brain and the same time your synapses fire somewhere else
in the brain and prepare you for the flight or flight reaction. Simultaneously
your hypothalamus starts producing chemicals called peptides into the blood
stream which cause you to have an elevated heart rate, eyes and pupils fully
dilated and muscles ready for either sprint or fight. It is amazing how this
whole processes happens in a fraction of a second.
With addiction people are not just addicted
to the vice itself but the chemical reaction with the body and the rush that
comes with it. An example of this is an adrenaline junkie. These people are
addicted to the chemical high that goes along with jumping out of planes or
speeding in their cars. Same goes with a person with an eating disorder, the
vice is feeling low about yourself and numbing out not just the chemical
reaction with food. This may sound backward but here is the line of thought:
When having a low self esteem moment the thought sets off this reaction: the
synapses fire with the strong neuro-net which in turn the hypothalamus then
releases calming peptides through the blood stream and out to the cells.
Bizarrely the people with the low self esteem have an addiction with the
chemical released by the hypothalamus and is reinforced in the brain with
strong nuro-connections. Then when food is consumed a message gets sent to the
hypothalamus of the brain and a flood of peptides are sent out again to calm
the body. So you can see anyone can be addicted to anything from sex, internet,
gambling, lying, emotions to food. Yes, chemically and neurologically you can
be addicted to feeling bad about yourself or even addicted to perpetually being
in the victim role.
To get rid of an addiction you must replace
it with something. That something most times than not is love, love for one’s
self and the general feeling of acceptance. So ask yourself these questions: Do
you love yourself? Are you your own best friend? Most people’s initial reaction
to those questions is to laugh but when faced by times of trial bottom line is
you only have yourself day in and day out. When you start searching for
happiness outside yourself it can be disappointing and when you rely on
happiness outside of yourself that is co-depend and gets you nowhere. If you
are addicted: you are a good person. You are heard, you seen, you are loved.
Now believe it! Nuff said peace out and werd to your mums! Love from Courtney
Real OCD a merciless foe
What a fucking mess.
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