My brain on fat...

Sitting with a group of friends, having a great night. Drunk guys shows up and barges in our good time. We let him as he is drunk and will probably not be around for long. Drunk idiot points out to a woman on the street below and says, "Holy shit, she is so fat!" I look at him and say, "That is not ok." He looks at me, realizes I am fat and says, "Oh its alll goood!" To which I respond, "No it's not." He quickly goes downstairs to the lady and apologizes like a bumbling fool. What an idiot. The lady never heard him and his original ugly comment. I look around thinking ok good he is gone lets continue on with the night right? I look at my friends and they seem uncomfortable. Should I say something? I have not taken what this man said personally it's done it is over. To no one's fault, I feel like the elephant in the room. I am suddenly aware of every lump and fold and my clothing suddenly does not feel ok. I feel compelled to say stuff. I don't really feel like explaining but it is something I feel like I have to do. Right or wrong. Perpetually, I feel like I need to constantly apologize for my place in the world. Sound fucked? Absolutely.

I have decided I no longer have to explain shit to anyone. I do not need to justify my fatness. I am fat and it is my own journey. I am not anyone's sexual fetish or punching bag. I am not here to please everyone but myself. I am not the happy go lucky jolly fat girl. I am just me. What if I am to physically change? That shit is too scary for words. Who am I without the fatness? At the core I know who I am but how will I fit into this world? How will the world respond to me? I don't want to hear about how I have lost weight from others. My weight is nobodies business but my own. The biggest compliment anyone can give is, "Wow, you look so happy!"

I over heard a conversation last night at a coffee shop. Two people chatting about their families and how they were so proud of their adult children and grandchildren and how not one of them is fat. Wow and wow. OK so fat=bad. I am a person. I have been on both side of the fat/skinny spectrum. I am sick of people treating me different for being fat. Fat discrimination sucks truck people. I hear people say well then if the fat is not working for you why not just change it? Oh right... that's it! Fuck, all these years had I known... fuck. You are so right. Jesus, I could teach a class on caloric intake and output. I could show you a million things about exercises and label reading. I have lost 80 lbs and gained it all right back. The issue is an inside one, it is my issue, it is a very personal issue and I am done explaining. The moral of this fantastic outburst.... everyone has a story. Everyone has a really personal fucking story that does not require justification. I feel relieved that have given myself permission to not explain anymore.

Hugs and Shit

The Momma

Really Time, really? You are so clever. ;) Classic.