Fact! Banana phones do not accept quarters

So last night the hubs says, "Just take the boys to Jysk tomorrow and pick up the drapes." blink blink blink. stunned. I say, " Have you met the Things? " Gawd the hubs is cute, crazy and delusional, and oh so cute. So against my better judgement we went to Jysk today. Thing 2 managed to grab a bottle of epsom salts from the middle of the display. amazing. Thing 1 managed to arm himself and his brother with some random garden stakes. good. good ideas. Things found the beds. Things found bins of pillows. Things lost their little effin' minds! Good idea husband and great idea me for listening to crazy husband. we were those people at the checkout that held everyone up. Missing tags, thing 2 grabbing random shit, thing one insisting the giraffe was a zebra. I mean he had a point, the giraffe had zebra markings. it was all oh so confusing. The debit machine was beeping at me to remove the card as I wrangled the things and got the heck outta there. I cannot tell you how much balsa wood furniture excites me. So what did I learn? probabaly nothing. I was thinking of going to the library tomorrow. I am typing this on the tablet. I cannot handle this. I am not editing, spell checking meh. nothing. this is frustrating. wait! no polar express today! phew! No  fig bars left to count and no bails by thing 2. great day!!! hugs you crazy bastards reading this! go back to your beautiful lives you peeping toms.

Affluenza Much?

SO I saw a pair of (brand name) shoes on Amazon.com. I am not giving this brand name any advertizing because they are a super shitty elitist company that does super shitty things with foreign labour, local labour and their product is crap. Anyway, the shoes were $3,000 and were mostly made of foam and had galaxy patterns all over it. It was like disco bowling threw up on them. I wrote a review on the shoes, which was kindly rejected... And it went a little something like this: "I saw these shoes and I was like Holy Shit these shoes were made by unicorns! Well at least they better be." Who is this company targeting? Rich white kids with a huge case of affluenza? I just don't understand, well I do, but I also don't. Apathy rules my friends, sad but true. BTW the pic should say... North American people...


So today I woke at snuh. The hubs released the hounds at snuh and they came in for an attack. Well played hubs, well played. They were so deliciously cute with their snot tracks on their adorable faces. Thing 2 sneezes in my face. I might get pink eye. Downstairs we go. Thing 2 stops half way down and pees through his mega diaper and then proceeds to do a little Irish jig in the mess. Classic. Thing 1 super helpful and runs to get a towel. Super helpful older brother, what a sweet beet. Thing 1 runs to the DVD player and announces, "it's ready momma!" I say what is ready? He says the Polar Express of course. A tiny fire has started in my brain. I look to the left, I look to the right, I look for something, what I don't know. I need a distraction, a diversion of some sort. I am losing time. Thing 2 yells, "Momma listen to my words!" I panic. In the mornings I have the intellectual intelligence of a cracker. I took too long, crap bag. I say ok sure. through the fakest of fake smiles. Lets make this an uneven 45. I feel like celebrating! yay. I make breaky and get the kids dressed. I can feel myself going cross eyed listening to the hot chocolate song. Hot! Hot! Ooooh we got it! Hot! Hot! ooooh they got it! Never never let it coool! barf. Played in the garage. Thing 2 bailed over the hockey stick and gave himself a goose egg on top of his current goose egg. Thing 1 kicking the beach ball as hard as he can at Thing 2. Thing 2 finds the one spot in the garden where the neighbourhood cats love to shit to play cars.  My garage smells like shit or barnacle soup. Possibly missing a fig bar. I can hear hubs voice in my head. MAKE SURE ALL FIG BARS ARE ACCOUNTED FOR. derp. Thing 1 insists that he try my sparkling water. I tell him it is spicy (his words as he has done this before) he insists that I am somehow mistaken with this particular bottle. He takes a swig and he splutters and coughs. Momma 1 Thing 1 - zero. Clean up! Things whine. classic. LUNCH! fruit smoothies and ham sandwiches. Thing 2 refused naptime. bugger. Cleaned, sorted laundry, did some admin., put away some laundry, dishes, puzzle with Thing 1, dance with Thing 2, Thing 1 yelled at us to stop dancing, kept on dancing, swept, scrubbed the BBQ, made dinner, unsuccessful search for fig bar in garage and heard the garage door go up and YES FUCKING YES! Dad is home. Tutoring awesome kid for an hour. Thought... all my students fart in front of me like it is no big deal. Good thing I find it fricken hilarious, except when I eat it. Back upstairs and ate cold dinner. My night for Thing 1. Bath, books, bedtime. Fell asleep on Thing 1 bed for 20 minutes. Yum. Bank deposit, admin work, taxes, got a Strawberry Shortcake's blueberry friend tea latte fro m7-11 and I am calling it quits early tonight! Time for me.... getting my tea. Nailed it. #onefigbarnotaccountedfor Thing 2 bail count 4. High fiver to everyone who reads this godforsaken blog. bless you. and that is not for sneezing.

Bowling Stikes Again!

So yes, last night I drank. More than I have in a very long time. Am I young... sure! Do I bounce back... no. What did I learn? Nothing. Just that once in a while letting loose at a bowling banquet is really effin fun. Oh and my ankle hurts like hell. bahahaha! drinking injury. So woke up to Thing 1 on the bed, wait let me quantify, my bed. I heard the hubs groan as I am pretty sure Thing 1 sacked him. The air in the room is stifling. Everyone stinks. classic. I hear Thing 2 growling at something. creepy kid. I get up as the hubs is useless at this time. I take the Things downstairs. Holy trucks, I stare at the ceiling Thing 1 just asked me if he could watch Polar Express. I just stare at him. Then I shrug. Sure. whatever. Polar fucking express day 44. I lay out a blanket in the living room and proceed to make a napping recovery nest. Thing 1 wants to do a puzzle. Thing 2 treats my body like a jungle gym. I get up make breaky, do puzzle, roughhouse with Thing 2 and manage to nap in nest for 30 minutes. I jolt awake. I am scared that Things have destroyed the house. We are safe. Except Thing 1 has raccooned his way into the fig bars. classic. Thing 2 bails. Thing 1 farts in my face. Thats it! Time to get the hubs up. Sick the Things on the sleeping bear. Room still thick with stale beer breath and fartings. ugh. Kick hubs out of bed. I roll in. Tell hubs to wake me in 1/2 an hour. I have to tutor. I have to be on my A game and SUPER FLUFFY AND FUN. squeee! 30 minutes felt like 30 seconds. derp. Discovered perfect hangover remedy... night before drink water until so full, 2 advil. Morning of... water and a banana. I felt awesome. Tired but super awesome. take that years of inexperience! Tutored 2 awesome kids! Worked on Admin stuff and taxes. Took thing 1 out to do errands. Thing 1 HATE errands, I have no idea why he insisted on coming. Comae home. Thing 2 woke from nap. Sure nap for hubs but not me. boo at thing 2. Grocery shopping. Gshop as it is called at my house at no fills. Or as well call it the big yellow banana store or Uncle Dennis'. Thing 1 dropped a watermelon on sore ankle. For sore ankle story see yesterday's blog. Thing 2 becomes a terrorist and refuses to let people open the milk coolers. Thing 1 trips and jumps up and says "He's goooood!" with his hands in the air. Home. dinner. bedtime. Thing 2 goes postal. Over tired. Work from 8:30 PM to 1 AM. Wrote policies, lesson plans, set up for new students.  Livin'. #workingstayathomemom #1/2figbarmissing . Thing 2 bail count - 5 at least . SO awesome. I would not trade this for the world. HUGS and special shout outs to the peeps who feel left out of my blog: McKinlee and Robbie Stew AKA Honorary Thing and honorary thing's dad, also, friend that Rhymes with Avis you are mentioned, again. Here. and Athy thanks for the pre-party party! K Goodnight. 

Whatcha going to do with a drunken sailor, put him in an Exxon Valdez tanker...

The day is mine! Today was also super bromance day.

Woke up at 8:15 AM to Thing 2 banging on his wall and Thing 1 playing with the tablet at the end of our bed. Strange dreams of Thomas as Thing 1 watches you tube vids as we slept. Thomas the tank whiner. Tutored 4 kids today. Nailed it. Thing 1 came home from bowling with some wicked hardware. Bowling prodigy. So proud. Sat in garage for an hour playing bubbles. Mother of the year. Did a 100 piece puzzle with Thing 1. LIKE A BOSS. Missing 4 pieces now. asshole puzzle. Thing 2 protested nap time. Classic. Made some mac n cheese. again. Sang to Thing 1 he told me to be quiet. Polar fucking Express count 43. Wait wait wait hold up... I am not bad of a singer and the Things hate it when I sing. WTF. Perhaps I am disillusioned by my singing talent. sigh. I am going to start singing opera again. Take that Turd Burgers. In laws come over to babysit the Things. Worked hard on looking so pretty. It is tough work! I even plucked my eyebrows. caterpillar eyebrows gone. Did not have time to shave, screw it. Ain't nobody got time for that. Off to friends that rhyme with Avis and Athy's house. Pre-party party. So fun. wanted to stay and watch Despicable me with Avis & Athy's son. Oh well, next time. Petted their dog. Cute pup. She barked in my face. I shrieked like a little girl. I startle easily. Kinda funny. Off to the BOWLING BANQUET. Amazeballs. The hubs danced his sweaty balls off tonight. He did his annual electric slide solo dance. It was so good people left the dance floor to watch. That and he gets super flailey. He has dangerous dancing elbows. weapons. Had a nice slow dance with Mikeay to Sheryl Fucking Crowe and Kid Rock. I really Hate that song. I really really really do. When I hear it I get the compulsion to ram things into my ears like water bottles and kleenex. I get a silent rage from deep within my soul. I am a happy person so I mean business when I say that song is the debils work. (10 points for the "debil" reference). Super night coming to a close... won $50, drank some yummy rum, husband farted ALL night on dance floor (ate them-ugh), danced my shoes off (literally) and got a night away from the Things! Got someone to call a cab as I was not super functional. In fact, I was quite useless. I have no idea why people put me in charge of things like getting a cab. Something about leadership qualities. yadda yadda. Someone stole cab. classic. Waited for another. cops showed. Noise complaints. yar. One of the cops was my field hockey pal. joked and almost got cuffed and thrown int he back for fun. Kinda upset it never happened. I am kind of a law abiding type, felt like it was my only chance for this sort of experience. Coppers left. I had a misstep and fell into a hole. twisted my ankle. Hubs kept asking if I was ok. I told him to be quiet as I was laughing and hurting too much all at once. I laugh when I am in pain. Weird. One time I got my eyebrows shaped and the lady tweezed my caterpillars and I laughed so hard I almost peed. Sat in puddle, made no efforts to move. Laughing too hard. Hubs asked if I needed help. Laughed some more. Managed to stand. We shall see how it feels in the morning. I am reading hubs thoughts... How do you exist? My inner thought reply... by laughing. BAM! nailed it. Made it home in one piece. Sorry to the cabbie who had to deal with my wet butt. Slightly allergic to hypoallergenic make up. I can now feel my eyes starting to swell. Why do I do this to myself. Simple. Oedipus complex. haha! so joking Freud can go bleep himself. Oh found husbands contact that he dropped on the floor. I am good at finding things. Where's waldo complex. I went to put it on the table and then I dropped it again. Hubs asks how do I exist. and I say... I think therefore I am. Nailed it. Thanks Descartes. The I laugh as I found it again. My amazeballz-eyeballz. ok I am tired and I neeeed to sleep. Prescription, water, Advil, sleep...thank goodness only 2 kids to tutor tomorrow. A special shout out to the bowling buddies for another great bowling banquet. Be well. HUGS to you. www.zombo.com will change your life.

Squirrel!

So Thing 1 may or may not have tasted poop today. Oh well, shit happens.

So Thing 2 babbling at 8:30 am I wake. I am gloriously happy that Thing 2 has slept again. Retrieve Thing 2. He is very happy and has managed to raccoon into his one piece PJs and found his penis. This time Thing 2 penis has scratches all over it. Must trim nails. Luckily Thing 2 has yet to spray down the room. Go to change Thing 2. Strip him down and he finds penis again. Think to myself stop making eye contact this is awkward. Look back at Thing 2's face. Tell Thing 2 to stop looking at me with his dreamy eyes. Oh dear. Put on diaper tighter than usual. Thing 1 bounds in. Chocolate face. Classic. Thing 1 has raccooned into chocolate eggs. Take them down stairs. The Things want chocolate and Polar Fucking Express. I can't wait. Will that Billy kid make the train this time? Will one of the elves parachutes not open? Will the annoying kid get more than underwear under the tree? Compelling stuff. Get dressed and out the door. Things want fig bars. Back to the fig bar daily count.

I am distracted I want a Blueberry  Tea Latte.

Things that matter...

So you know that moment when you were a kid when you smelled a most yummy inedible item and felt strangely disappointed? You may have even licked it to see if it remotely tastes like it smells? I got a Blueberry Tea Latte from 7-11 tonight and my dream has come true. I am now drinking Strawberry Shortcake's Blueberry friend.

Hellloooooo Jelloooooo!

So that just happened, what you ask. That. Some people ask me why I write run on sentences and fragments. I say... I spend my life teaching it, as I am a tutor, so why not bust through all the rules and say screw it all. As a wise friend once said to me your blog is like your stream of consciousness. And since my stream of consciousness does not bend to the rules my brain says sucks to your grammar! Sucks to your conch and sucks to your punctuation and linguistics!! If you get the conch reference 10 points for you. You get another 20 points if you get the "sucks to your Aunty and sucks to your assmar" reference as well. What to do with your points, I don't know see previous sentence. Gosh I feel cheaky today.

So I am doing my taxes for home and my home based biz. I have to say taxes are taxing. Good thing I like to keep organized to the point of obsession. Never in my life did I ever think I would have to ask how ofter the business bathroom is used for business or pleasure. My toileting practices are now the business of the Canadian government. High Five! I feel like I should share more, it can be so freeing. My husband for instance, he likes to shit in my office bathroom when I am working late nights. Awesome. I asked him rhetorically the other night if he would like it if I came to his work and shit in the middle of his cubicle. He laughed. So did I. Good thing I have a 10 year old boy sens of humour. Now my husband makes a point of shitting nightly in my office. I will give you a visual.... The toilet is literally 3 feet from my computer station. My hubs sits down, does not close sliding door, announces "captive audience!" and starts divulging about his day and he bowel movement. My husband is a delightful man and in the birth order is the baby in the family therefore he is an instigator. I am the middle child I am the peacekeeper. Match made in heaven.Do I fight this? Nah, it is kind of funny after all. I figure if I ignore it then like any pestering little sibling he will get bored and it will  eventually go away.

And you thought my BLOG was about Thing 1 and Thing 2. Perhaps my hubs is Thing 4!
Thing 1 - Son #1
Thing 2 - Son #2
Thing 3 - Friend of Thing 1
Thing 4 - The hubs

So be well John Spartan. (30 points for this reference) Have an amazing day. If you read this blog can you do me a solid and comment "I read it" in my comments section? Thanks! HUGS? Hugs. :)

I want a shower - Just a 10 minute shower. Please.

So 7:30 am. Ugh. Thing 2 jumping on his crib. Thing 2 watching the tablet right next to my FACE. Awesome. Get up, get things dressed. Thing 1 wants to wear my nice top he found. Put nice top over his shirt. Looks like dress. He is owning it. I want to grab a belt to cinch it. Thing 1 says no in force. Denied. Polar Fucking Express day 40. Lines in Polar Fucking Express are infusing in my cerebral cortex. Splendid. Thing 1 asks daily when Christmas is. Thing 1 is very well verse in calendar now. 8 months! Thing 1 asks what is today momma. I say Art Knapps and School. Thing 2 bails on cue. Off to Art Knapps to smell flowers, get soaking wet from the fountains and watch the koi fish in the pond. Cheapest entertainment ever. I am pleased. Things are very pleased. Started to drive to Costco. Thing 2 starts crying. Thing 2 HATES Costco despite the occasional ice cream. Don't want to heard the screaming, drive away. Thing 2 calms down. Home. Lunch. Mr. Noodles, egg and grapes. Nailed it. Drop Thing 1 off at school. Troubles. Thing 1 is anxious. Sit with Teacher and Things playing for 45 minutes. Thank goodness teachers are amazing. Shout out to Miss. Tazeen and Miss. Lori. #superteachers Thing 1 finally unfurls himself from me. 1 hour of alone time coming up. Put down Thing 2. Short nap. work. No shower, ugh. Wake thing 2, pissed off things 2 . Pick up Thing 1. Happy he got chocolate. Off to pick up the hubs. 20 minutes of Thing 2 throwing dinosaurs in the back seat and Thing 1 asking profound thought provoking questions such as, "momma where do the whales sleep?" and "Momma where do my boogers come from?" Pick up Hubs. Asks how day was, I say, "onerous".
Mini vacay in the car on the way home. Awesome yet gassy tutoring kid, I felt like I ate a few farts, Classic. Dinner and hubs off to bowling. BAM work from 8:30 - 11:30 on Tupperware and Tutoring Admin. like a boss. Literally I am my own boss. So good.  Thing 2 bail count 5. Thing 1 banana count 2. Nice shirt - stretched out. No fig bars to count on the account of Thing 2 not liking Costco. #livinthemommalife #wouldnottradeitforanything #whosyourdaddyandwhatdoeshedo HUGS to the world and everyone in it.

Lord of the Things - The Trilogy

Woke up at 8:00 AM. I woke up on my own. No Things to be heard. Unnerving. Thing 1 of course already down stairs. Enjoying a cup of coffee and reading the paper. Well, not yet but that will be the scene before I know it. Thing 2 tells me to go back upstairs. I know something is up. I go into the kitchen. Nothing. Hmmm... Time will tell. Ask thing 1 if he had a good sleep, I get an audible grunt. classic. I hear thing 2 starting to babble. I head upstairs. Thing 2 is completely naked. Wondering if duct tape would work. Thing 2 jumps around in crib. I wish I could do the same. Get things dressed. Thing 3 comes over for babysitting. All the Things are excited. Just put breakfast out. Ask Thing 3 if he wants any. He says, I just ate breakfast, but I could be hungry still with the cutest look on his face. We all sit. I have hot tea, eggs, toast, Things have yogurt, apples, toast. I am just about to bite into my eggs. Things want things. sigh. I tell things this momma needs to eat and sit uninterrupted for ten minutes. No tv, no more food no whining. Things are in agreement, 10 minutes seems doable. Enjoy breaky, drank HOT tea and last bite of food when the Things verbally jump all over me. They want milk, they want Polar Fucking Express, they want juice they want things and stuff and games and activities and the world at their disposal. Bless them. Tell things we are off to play in the garage! Everyone has fun in my garage. Bubbles! Sidewalk chalk! buckets! Trucks! Cones! Balls! Bats! Flags! Bikes! Thing 1 insists it is summer and we need to put on the sprinkler. NO. Thing 2 finds sidewalk chalk and colours the side of my car. My car is 1/2 purple. awesome. Thing 1 and Thing 3 whip balls at me. Eye hand coordination practice. Things kick balls at each other. Hilarious. Things 1 and 3 kick balls at Thing 2, keeps hitting Thing 2's hand and knocking the sidewalk chalk out of it. Thing 2 is so happy he high fives everyone multiple times. Frickin cute. Awesome mom of Thing 3 shows up. Successful morning. Thomas episode, not so cute. Lunch. Smoothies and grilled cheese. Nailed it. Thing 1 throws ball up into the air hard. Ball hits ceiling and comes down and hits Thing 1 on the head. New game. Time for Thing 1 playschool. Get to the parking lot. Thing 1 refuses to come out of car. This again. Thing 1 has shut down and refuses to talk, classic. Empathize with Thing 1 and take him home. Time for Thing 2's nap. No nap day. Kids 2 momma 0. I got nothing I needed to get done today. whatevs. That is what Wednesdays are for. I hope. Pick up dad from work. Got there early went to his cubicle. Kids loved it. Went to the resting room to wait for him. Had the quietest pillow fight ever. Impossible feat managed. No crying, so happy. 25 minutes of mini vacay in my mind. Tutoring awesome kid. Awesome kid's mom is late for pick up. classic. waited out side with awesome kid. whipped cherry blossom buds at each other. professional. One landed in his mouth. laughed a lot. Went to a meeting. Came home. Work from 9PM to 11:30PM. Tired. today...nailed it. so happy. #nofigbarstocount Thing 2 bail count 7 #caulifloweristhenewquiona #onblogscountright HUGS to the world! oh ps- Thing 1 found the honey, that is what he was up to in the morning. My little Pooh.

Good Morning Starshine, the Earth Says Hello!

Woke up to Thing 1 jumping on his bed and Thing 2 laughing at something. Probably at his hand. Gathered them up and took them downstairs. Ran out of fig bars. Things are up in arms. Made some oatmeal instead, whining ensued. Things raccooning in pantry. Said no, go eat your oatmeal. And that's final. Sounding more like a mom each day. planned with Thing 1 the night before, picnic and park. Thing 1 wants to help. So cute and everything will take twice as long with twice the mess. Worth it. #lifeskills Packed up stroller. Thing 2 brings Polar Express DVD case. Sure. Thing 1 brings the can opener. Why? I don't know. He said it would help for the picnic. sure. Walk through the complex. Saw Thing 1's crush. The crush says Hi, Thing 1 turns away and blushes. 4 year old love lives are complicated. Went to the park. Set up blanket. Things are ravenous even though I just fed them 45 minutes prior. Thing 2 manages to open yogurt, first time so proud. I did not take the foil top in time. Thing 2 pats it on my leg, yogurt down. Sweet. (literally and figuratively) Thing 2 takes one bite and then leaves it. Classic. Thing 1 looking through the cooler bag trying to find something he can open. He tries the applesauce. Futile. Try to explain that there is nothing he can open with it. Annoyed with me. Boys eat and go to park. Thing 1 skittish, Thing 2 daredevil. Thing 2 scaring the crap out of all the adults in the park with his insane 2 year old parkour skills. People fretting. I get stressed from adults not Thing 2. Thing 2 is solid. Leave park, go for a walk. Play at the outdoor gym. Find the spinny things. Thing 2 sits on them. We spin him. Then he walks. Thing 2 bails. Laughing ensues. New game. So Awesome. Play on the big fake turf soccer field. brought balls. always bring balls. Ran like a crazy person. Thing 2 trips over soccer ball multiple times. Soccer ball bail count 6. Head home. Thing 1's crush back inside. Thing 1 asks where crush is? Cute. Get home. Thing 2 farts so loud he startled himself. I stood and gave him the slow clap, it was that amazing. Second lunch for the Things. Nap for Thing 2. Thing 2 tries every trick in the book. The smack my face, the throw my body back, the shove his fist in my mouth to gag me, the biting, the pinching the yelling and finally the barking. Momma one - Thing 2 zero. Nailed it. Naptime achieved. Clean house, clean office, balk at laundry. The mountain threatens avalanche. Thing 1 builds a track on the dining room table. Play as it as it lies. Cook funkin butter chicken from almost scratch. Nailed it. Play with Thing 1. Thing 1 wants to watch curious George. Best option yet. Thing 2 wakes from nap. Thing 1 gets random naked. Hubs is home. Asked how day was, I say, "great, actually". Kiss the hubs. Get a yelling at from Thing 1. Hubs and I go full bore. We dance, sing hug and kiss in the kitchen. Thing 1 is enraged. Still don't know the mystery. Thing 1 is an enigma. Thing 2 is fun time boy. Shrugs. Eat at the railroad cafe. Time eating with Thomas doing laps. Salt and pepper for for a ride in the coal cars.  Food kicks ass. Dinner ambiance, incredible. Say goodbye to boys. Off to do Tupperware deliveries. Things are indifferent to me leaving. Kinda sad. meh. Deliveries. Momma is out of the house. Did the first Tupps delivery. Accidentally made out with their dog.  For the record Jack Russells are horrible kissers. Both deliveries done. Stopped by a train. Spotted a Micheal's craft store. Micheal's got me. $30 later. Train gone. Sang in the car. No one to tell me to be quiet. Enjoyed it. Home. Went outside to check out the red full moon. Clouds came barreling in. boo. Now working. Awesome Possum Tutoring and Tupperware stuffs. The life of a stay a home working mom. Amazeballz. I would not trade it for the world. High five the person on your right because life it just that good. Goodnight ya'll. #nofigbarstoaccountfor  I'm so happpppppy. Thing 2 bail count for the day 10.

Beautiful British Columbia

The 70s called, they want their poster back and it's kinda rad.

It is like BC is a page ripped out of a coil bound notebook and the someone is trying to tape it back together. How antiquated yet undemanding and handsome.

Courtney is the farce today. Courtney, is the farce today?

Disclaimer: I write oodles of run-on sentences and sentence fragments. It is kind of my thing and I am not making any excuses or apologies. If you don't like it, take it up with the good grammar God.

Another day is paradise and I am not even being sarcastic. Today happened. Thank the universe for that. Woke up at 7AM. Thing 1 awake, naturally. Thing1 is an introvert and enjoys the silence and solitude of an early morning.  Thing 1 cannot understand why his parents like to sleep. Tried for 10 minutes to put hair in double french braid. Arms tired. Heard Thing 2 knocking on the wall. Heard Thing 1 knocking back. Giggling ensued. Got the Things dressed. Ripped off covers off of hubs. Pissed off the hubs. Kids swap today. Inlaws countdown T-minus 59 minutes. hubs rolls over. insert expletive. Get Thing 1 & 2 dressed, breakfast, rooms back to order, load car with Tupps. Pack a muffin, water and apple for breaky for me. Dressed in my Tupper Best. Things want to watch Polar Express. I say no. Things spontaneously combust. T-Minus 23 minutes until in-laws arrive. pack car. Thing 2 crying. Thing 1 asking questions he already knows answers to. Prepping Thing 1 for the days events. Thing 1 an anxious dude. Prepping mandatory. Hubs jumps in shower. Classic. I prep hubs coffee. Sliced off 10 minutes of his morning routine. Hubs out of shower. I sick the Things on him. I kiss everyone goodbye. Thing 2 bails, again. I head out the door. Kids swap and Shop. Set up shop. Hubs arrives at swap and shop. Date morning. So cute. Side by side tables. I sell Tupperware he sells kids stuff. See some awesome people I know throughout the day. Hold hands with hubs. No Thing 1 to tell us to stop. Sell the crap out of plastic bowls. Nailed it. Pack up. Tutoring awesome kids 2 back to back. 2 hour break. Did nothing. wait no... tided up, sorted Tupps, returned some calls and emails and watched Glee with Thing 1 as Thing 2 and Hubs slept. So yeah I guess I did "mom nothing". (which is everything) I owed hubs a nap time slot as he gave me one yesterday.  Love. Thing 2 woke up, hubs woke up Thing 1 farted on me. That is my cue. 3rd and final tutoring kids for the day. Awesome. Gather family. Momma is cooking! McDonalds. Supermom. Home, play, walk. Plan next day a must or Thing 1 will be a tricky customer. Plan: Pack a picnic and got to the park. Baths. Bedtime routine. Incorporated farting sounds in Raffi's "Bananaphone" song. Hilarity ensues. Delay bedtime with repeat bananafart song. Eventually left. Now Blogging. Decompressing. Appreciating everything. Now 3 hours of lesson plans and then bed? oooo maybe read a novel for fun?! ooh giddy up! Hugs to the world and everyone in it! #allfigbarsaccountedfor #lostmuffinandapple

There is only one minute left in my brain...

Another day happened. Blissfully chaotic. My kind of fun. Thing 2 wakes up at 8:00 AM. I can hear him pushing his crib away from the wall and laughing maniacally. I go to his room. I expect a pee pond. Nothing! We are DRY! Thank Cheesus! Gather up the Things and head down stairs. Watch douchebag Thomas. Eat Shreddies. Thing 2 is dissatisfied with breakfast choice. Brings me skim milk powder. Insists this is what he wants. Put skim milk powder in bowl with a spoon. Thing 2 loves it. My loveable weirdo. Thing 1 is interested, I say no. The things beg for the Polar Express. Not feeling the Christmas cheer. Thing 1 insists it is Christmas tomorrow and that it is summertime. 4 year olds have it all figured out.  Tell Things we are leaving to go on an adventure in 10 minutes. Thing 1 protests and asks 15 times where are we going? I still have not come up with a plan. I panic. I say, We are going crazy. Thing 1 yells, NO satisfied! I exclaim, ok I promise we will not go to satisfied. This answer seems to please Thing 1. Thing 2 insists we bring the Polar Express  DVD case. Fine. Out the door we go. We go to our cute quaint downtown. We are going to do the circuit. Bakery, People's Choice Drug mart, Fountain, Snack, Train class (museum), bowling alley, sally-Ann, dollar store, park, home. Some mishaps along the way. Thing 2 walks into a pole. Thing 1 throws snack in fountain. The Things get kicked out of the museum for being too loud. Thing 1 wants to watch the trains for a half an hour. I say no, ten minutes. Thing 2 refuses to walk. Thing 2 shoves fist in his mouth. Gags. Almost throws up. Classic. Thing 2 is teething. Thing 2 likes to bite all of a sudden. Thing 1 finds a snail on a tree. Thing one throws snail into traffic. whatevs. I cringe. We make it home, barely. Thing 2 has gone nuclear. Meltdown in immanent. Thing 2 wants Polar Express I say sure. Ugh. Take Thing 2 to nap. Holy Shit he falls asleep. Thing 1 wants to bake. I am not eating sugar. Annoyed inside. Make cherry muffins. Thing 2 satisfied. Thing 2 makes a very complex deal that he can have 2. I say no. Thing 2 throws a train. It breaks. 2 problems instead of one. #Preschoolerproblems Try to fix train. Train is done for. Ironically it is Thomas. Feeling very satisfied. Must not show emotion. Play with Thing 2, Make dinner, unpack stroller, find a fig bar, fold 2 loads of laundry. Hubs comes home asks how days was, I say "satisfying" we hug. Thing 2 yells, "stop hugging momma!" Thing 2 has a lot of rules. No hugging daddy, no dancing, no singing, no high fiving daddy, no kissing daddy. I tell thing 2 How do you think you were made? I freeze, I realize I may have opened a can of worms. Thing 2 likes to ask why. It blows over, for now. One day. I will be ready. Walk around complex after dinner. Thing 1 and 2 hate Mexican food. I say too bad. Things beg for muffins. I tell them eat your veggies then you can have them. Moping ensued. Things finally ate veg. I am deeply satisfied. Time for bath and bed. Very Uneventful. Very blissful. Just completed pricing Tupperware for a big sale I am having. Need a back massage. Wanna do trade? Signing off. HUGS to the world and everyone in it.

So Today Just Happened...

Today in a Nutty McNutshell...life happened. Yeah that's right life. check it. 7:30 AM Thing 2 is wide awake. I can hear him yelling though the monitor his morning sermon to the Banana in Pajama (B2) and the Geoffy the Giraffe in the corner of his crib. B1 is missing. I wouldn't say I am missing him. Thing 2 is quite excitable. Must be a passionate subject. I can see it now his little hands flailing and pointing. Now, I am not fully fluent in Thing 2 but I hear random words like, I come? and No! and Duck! I go to get Thing 2 and sure enough he is in full preaching swing. I now get a passionate talking to. Thing 2 is soaked from head to toe. Thing2 has discovered how to open up his full onesie and is loving free willy time. Crap. I forsee a new record of laundry days in a row. As the kids say, yolo? Strip down Thing 2. Strip down the bed. Thing2 is enthralled with the fresh air hitting is netheryayah. Find Thing 1. He has successfully raccooned into a box of Shreddies. Yes, raccooning is a verb. I take the Things and dump them in to the bath. I say BOYS NO Fighting NO Splashing NO throwing! Things look at me like I am crazy and that they would never do such things. I strip the Things beds. Finding Shreddies in cars. Finding Shreddies in clothes drawer. Found Shreddies and Hungry Hungy Hippos. Ask Thing 1 about Shreddies. Thing 1 says Hippos need to eat mom. I respond, "naturally." Get the Things out, get them dressed, clean up the water war. Down we go for second breakfast. It is not even time for elevensees yet. Thing 1 is on a banana kick again. Previous bananas in a day record: 5 and a half. Only 8:15 and it looks like he has had 2. He is on course for breaking his record. Put on Thomas, better than Calliou. Want to punch Thomas in his flat face for being a doof. He is NOT a useful engine, in fact, he is a ninny and needs to go to the smelters yard. Note to self, watch less Thomas. Don't get caught up in Thomas' drama, you don't need that shit right now.  Had plans to go out. No one was feeling it. Thing 2 is trying to tear off clothes. Thing 1 has successfully torn off clothes and is now trying to put on dragon costume. Did not hide it well enough. Yolo. Sat on the living room floor for 2 hours eating stray Shreddies and playing trains. Livin'. Thing 2 manages to get into fridge, finds hot sauce bottle, brings it over. Repeats the word "this" 15 times. I say no. Thing 2 wields his head like a weapon. Head butt. Stars? Oh dear. Dragon Boy yelling, me on the ground blinded and groaning. Dragon Boy yelling momma! Get off the TRACK Conner is coming! I get up. Near Miss. Give Thing 2 a yogurt and put on the Polar Express. A little early Christmas Cheer. sure. Thing 2 is pissed. Tries to change channel with the mirror. Banana count 3. LUNCH! Screw it. Popcorn and Smoothies. Banana count 4. Dragon Boy has school. Thing 1 loves school, Dragon Boy HATES school. Whatevs. Dragon boy reluctantly changes back to Thing 1. Off to school. Thing 2 crying Thing 1 crying. Thing 2 wants to stay, Thing 1 wants to leave. Classic. Back home. I get smart. Put Thing 2 in a onesie. Ah ha! No waterworks! Napping glorious Silence. 1:45 PM to 3:00 PM. Work on Awesome Possum Stuff. Drink a HOT cup of TEA. Shit things just got good and then... 3:00 PM wake up Thing 2. Thing 2 angry. Thing 2 turns into the Hulk. Pick up Thing 1 from school. Thing 1 asks for a banana. Have banana in purse. Of course. Banana count 5. Pick up Hubs from work. Traffic is exciting. Gave Thing 1 a pen a paper to draw while waiting for dad. Things got quiet. The hulk and Thing 1 have new tats. The Hulk back to Thing 2. Hubs comes out, asks how day was. I say, "boring." Mini vacay in the car ride home. Hubs says no one needs to talk to momma right now she is sleeping. LOVE THE HUBS. Strained whispers and laughter ensues. Get Home. Tutoring client with awesome kid. Awesome kid loses cap of the marker in his armpit. True story. Awesome kids leaves. Hubs leaves. Bowling night. Back to work. Hubs home any minute? Sure. Banana count: 5. So close. Thing 1 currently baking banana bread in his butt. Let the sharting begin!Goodnight moonpies! This momma is blissfully done. PEACE.

Ain't Nobody Got Time for That!

So woke up at 8:30 AM to Thing 2 babble. Bless the universe, the stars have aligned, we have all slept well. Thing 1, Thing 2 and I go downstairs for Thomas and Shreddies. Thing 2 refuses to eat. Classic. Out the door errands day. Wish me luck. First stop, local corner store, score they sell cartridges. Assuming fella knows what he is talking about, buy two. Thing 1 asks for candy. Thing 2 begs for peanuts, which he is horribly allergic to. Try to get Thing 2 in car seat. He planks. classic. Second Stop, the bank. Deposit, order cheques and go. Super friendly yet slow moving teller. Thing 1 and 2 going stir crazy. 30 minutes of climbing all over the furniture. Awesomesausage. Gave the Things fig bars in the car. Husband said be sure all fig bars are accounted for as the last time one rotted under the seat and it smelled like sweet and sour banana barnacle soup. Next destination, staples. Thing 1 HATES staples. Get some office supplies and check out cartridges. Staples guy super helpful and told me corner store dude sold you wrong ones. First clue-corner store due. derp. Return said items. Add to to-do list. At the check out super friendly staples cashier asking me about airmiles and emails and stuff while Thing 1 asks me very repetitive yet intelligent questions as thing 2 Rolls around on the floor. I try to pick Thing 2 up but he promptly shoved his fist in my mouth. I gag. Classic. I put down Thing 2. He thinks it is funny. He wants to do it again. I won't let him. Thing 2 on floor again now rolling into man in line behind us. Thing 1 yells, momma listen to my words! Cashier asks for my email again as it didn't work. Thing 2 is now causing the man behind us stress. I say to nice cashier lady. My email is notrightnowthanks@gmail.com. She laughs. Thanks goodness. Off to the park! watched skateboarders. Thing 1 and 2 are thrilled and high-fiving each other. Pretty cute. Off to get wine. Cold beer and wine store. Leave kids in car, locked. I feel guilty. I run in and run out. I hope it is good. It is in a day glow orange bottle. First Clue? we shall see. Last stop grocery store. Pick up some last minute food. Thing 1 and 2 are now tackling each other in Supervalue. Awesome. Deli manager thought it was funny and cute. At least someone thinks it is. Again Thing 2 asking for peanuts. Seriously buddy are you trying to tell me something? Thing 1 begging for bubble gum. I tell him, not until you are 5. I hope he forgets. Realize he is 5 in a few months. Derp again. Home. LUNCH! Weird lunch. Peaches, whipped cream and granola. Kinda good. Thing 2 nap. Thing 2 babbles and does not nap. Pick up Hubs from work. Thing 2 does not cry this time. 25 minute vacay in the car while hubs drives home. Awesome tutoring kid for an hour. Dinner. Hubs off to bowling. Baths, reading, jammies, songs, bed! Work on Awesome Possum Consulting stuff and Tupperware from 8:30-minight. Another EPIC day. House looks like crap but that is what Friday is for! HUGS to the world and everyone in it! #gratefulmomma #derp #onefigbarnotaccountedfor #theyetisaysyes

Craziness is awesome, don't deny it!

Today... Woke up to Thing 1 jumping on me. Thing 1 and Thing 2 played in Thing 1's room. I accidentally fell back asleep for 45 minutes. I woke up to Thing 1 and Thing 2 giggling and trying to pick my nose. Grateful for the extra sleep! I walk into Thing 1's bedroom, I cannot see floor. It is half a foot deep of toys and books. I think to myself, yeah so worth the extra sleep. Breakfast. Out the door. Check out a new business on launch day. Thing 1 insists on wearing his dragon costume. Sure. Grocery Shopping with Dragon Boy and Thing 2. Local park. Home. Put away groceries. Haul dragon Boy and Thing 2 upstairs to clean room. 45 minutes. Ironic. 45 minutes clean = 45 minutes extra sleep. Not as good of a swap as I thought. Put Thing 2 down for a nap. Clean basement. Clean kitchen. Clean playroom. get the Mail. Dragon Boy is back to Thing 1. Think, what to make for dinner. Hmmm screw it. pack Tupperware bag for party in Langley. Play with Thing 1. Put away 6 loads of laundry. shower. knocking on shower door. Thing1 wants in. No way. Get dressed for Tupperware party. wake up Thing 2 from nap. Pissed off Thing 2. Load kids in car. Thing 2 screams from home to Royal and 4th in New West. Get to Hubs work. 20 minutes. Low on gas. Fill up. Thing two peed everywhere. Thing 2 recently discovered penis. pants-less Things 2. Thing 1 asking 4 million questions. Hubs come out from work. Ask how day was. I say "fun". Hubs drives home. 25 minute mini vacay in my brain. Thing 2 does not cry. So grateful. Home. Tutoring Client. Super fun kid. Kiss hubs and fam goodbye. Thing 1 and 2 are pissed I am leaving. Drive to Langley. Tupps party. Awesome ladies. Booked another party. Drove to lost lost cousin's house. Tupperdelivery! Quick visit. Drive home. FB. email. admin work. Now... to sleep or not to sleep? 

Seek and Find!
Can you find the following items?
1) The letter C
2) The turned over shopping cart
3) Dr. Suess
4) The duck chick thing
5) car ramp
6) cookie

Good Luck!