ASMR.. what is it?! Sleep help here!

About a year ago I have come across something so fantastical called ASMR. This stands for

Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response.  

 ASMR is a relatively new word for a perceptual phenomenon characterized as a distinct, pleasurable tingling sensation in the head, scalp, back, or peripheral regions of the body in response to visual, auditory, tactile, olfactory, or cognitive stimuli. The nature and classification of the ASMR phenomenon is controversial, with strong anecdotal evidence to support the phenomenon but little or no scientific explanation or verified data. -Wikipedia 

I remember when I was in the first grade I had a grade 7 reader helper that would come by twice a week to help me with my reading. She was so kind and soft spoken and had a voice that would send shivers down your spine. I first experienced ASMR when she would read to me. First there was a tingle on the crown of my head that would flow down my body and put me into a relaxed comatose state. She must have thought I was so weird with my droopy eyes and playing dumb just so she would read to me. Reading time was fantastical and opened me to a whole new world of, what I did not know at the time, meditation. About a year ago I was going though some slightly stressful times and I sought out reading loads of novels and watching You Tube videos to help me de-stress. When I looked up meditation videos, I came across my first ASMR artist, Maria. She has an amazing gift! She has helped me though what would have been sleepless nights and daily anxiety. Was it an escape for me? Yes and no. I found Maria of "Gentlewhispering" to be such a positive influence in my life. Her kind words and attention to detail would lull me to a deep meditative state and most times to sleep. For me it is meditation; I get to quiet the mind and to get a little boost of beautiful energy. In this past year I have come across many other ASMR artists. Some of my favorites are "MassageASMR" by Dmitri and "AccidentallyGraceful" name unknown. 

Gentlewhispers Maria https://www.youtube.com/user/GentleWhispering

She is my fave go-to ASMR artist. She is from Baltimore MD and has a lovely Russian accent. She even does some of her ASMR videos in Russian. I don't speak Russian but I love to listen to both! She does lots of role play situations and is always a boost to your self esteem. She is a super positive person! She also does massage, teaches you how to fold towels and has an amazing story of her own.

MassageASMR Dmitri https://www.youtube.com/user/MassageASMR

Dmitri is another one of my fave go-to artists. He is a massage therapist by trade and he is amazing with his taps, crinkles and his deliberate heavy breathing and lip smacking. Who knew these could be sleep-inducing noises?! He also has a lovely Australian accent which I love. He has plenty of videos some short some long and some role play. He even has videos with no talking at all with creative auditory sounds.

AccidentallyGraceful  https://www.youtube.com/user/accidentallygraceful/featured

I love this gals bath time and sleepy time video. She gives you a 30 plus minute tutorial on how to make bath salts with Epsom salts and essential oils.  More recently she has done a bit of acting in her videos. She is a very talented actor and delivers a compelling 20 plus minutes of a post apocalyptic monologue. She is even a wonderful singer to boot!

Each have amazing gifts in helping me chill out. Now I don't get the tingling sensation every time so if you don't get it at first don't worry, let your mind go and it will come. Also, you need to find an ASMR artist that works for you! Everyone is so different with techniques, styles, roles plays and sound ideas. I feel so fortunate to have discovered ASMR and so grateful for the ASMR artists who keep producing these mind tingling videos.

Other noteworthy ASMR artists:

https://www.youtube.com/user/HeatherFeatherASMR HeatherFeather

https://www.youtube.com/user/ASMRrequests ASMRRequests

https://www.youtube.com/user/OliviaKissperASMR

Happy watching and happy relaxing!

HUGS

The Momma

 

 

 

 

Full Time Parent & Part-Time at Home Business an Unofficial How to Guide

In March of 2012, I officially opened my business "Awesome Possum Tutoring & Consulting." I have to say it has been fun, a lot of hard work and worth every minute I put into the business to be at home full-time with my kids. I have written this blog entry based on my experiences starting up and maintaining a successful home business. I hope my blog can help you or someone you know along the way in doing the same. All the best to you!

Here is a super awesome helpful guide oh how to start up your home based-business in British Columbia.

Q: Do I have an appropriate space in my home or can I make one?

A: Yes, I bought the townhouse with the idea in mind that I would have a workspace for tutoring clients. I was fortunate enough to have this plan well in place before my first son was born so I was able to find a place that fit my needs. My office is on my lowest floor, it has front door entry, a good size to house my tutoring materials, desks, office supplies and books and it has an attached bathroom.


Q: How well would this type of business do in my area? 
A: Since I live in a suburban area and close to many schools I knew it would be well received. Also, I researched other tutors in my area and there are not many Orton Gillingham based tutors and the demand is high with no sight of declining.


Q: Does your home have good street parking and easy access? Is it near transit? 
A: Yes, I am fortunate I have 6 visitor spots in front of my house as well as the bus goes by my place every half an hour. I also have a corner unit so there is ample waiting space beside my unit as well.

Q: Do you live in a strata? If yes, what are their rules for at home businesses? Does your business and all activities fall under their guidelines?
A: Yes, I live in a strata and I read the by-laws before buying into it. The rules state that I can have a home-based business provided I have a reasonable amount of come and goers and I show no signs or
advertisement for my business on lawns, windows or doorways. Lastly, you must have no outstanding fines, fees or levies with the strata.  

Q: What are your city guidelines with home-based businesses?
A: I am allowed to have a home-based business if I have a limit of 5 visitors/day including clients and deliveries. I must abide by all strata guidelines or I could lose my business license. Also, I must receive an original letter from the strata counsel agreeing to the business being located on strata property to be made available when applying for a city license. (see below)

Q: What are my overheads? What do I charge for product and/or services? (Do your research on other competitive companies in the area)

A: I acted as if. I am not an accountant so made a list of all the possible expenditures I could potentially have to make in my first 6 months as well as factor in potential clients and income. I played with the numbers and found a happy budget to work with. I also picked up the phone and called competitors to see what they charge. You can also look online for these types of career job market research. Remember you may not make money in the first couple of months and that is ok! Give yourself a deadline on your financial goals. This will help your make it or break it debate. 


Q: Is the market saturated or is my product or service in need? Is it a growing need? 
A: There are plenty of websites to help you with this research and don't be afraid to pick up the phone and ask questions as a potential customer.



Q: How much time will this take away in a typical week? 
A: Map out your valuable time, do this liberally. Do not be conservative with your time allocations to tasks; you want to make sure this is an attainable business for you. Staying up all hours will only burn you out faster.


Q: Where do I start? Name Registry in BC.
A: Go to the Name Registry in BC online http://www.bcbusinessregistry.ca/nameapproval.htm
Go here to check to a see if your business name is available to use. They have great tips on this site on how to pick and name and the dos and don'ts. This will cost you under $50, dependent on your municipality. Once you have a name registered the registry will give you a business reference number. Hold on to this for the next step. This process will take approximately 3-5 business days.

Q: Then what? BC Business Registry.
A: Go to BC Business Registry online: http://www.bcregistryservices.gov.bc.ca/bcreg/corppg/companies/index.page Find your type of business and fill out the necessary paperwork either online or hard copies. Do read the fine print on this page. Depending on your business you may have to fill out additional forms or register with additional organizations based on health standards etc. This process will take approximately 2-4 weeks. Once you are approved you will then receive a business number.

Q: OMG then what? City License Registration
A:  Go to your local city hall and apply for a city business license. This will be the only license you will have to renew and pay for annually if you are simple straight forward business like mine. Most municipal licenses are under $100 for the year. This process will take approximately 2-3 weeks. Once you are approved and you meet all the regulations and guidelines you will receive a paper license in the mail. Get a nice frame and put that sucker on the wall, you earned it! The license is required to be in a conspicuous place at your business site. Also, make copies before putting up, this will help you later. Lastly, check out what your municipality does for its businesses, you never know there might be some perks!

Q: Do I need insurance?
A: You always need insurance whether it is for loss or liability. Go to your current insurance broker and try to get a rider on your current home insurance. Business policies are expensive and will suck you dry but home-based business riders are affordable and easy to do.  Let the broker guide you, that is what they are there for! Don't be afraid to shop around but not your rider has to be with your current home and contents insurance or you will have to move the entire thing.



Q: Advertising - what did you do?

A: Since I cannot post any signs on my windows, lawns or doors I turned to Facebook where I made an awesome possum consulting page. I got myself signed up on LinkedIn, tutoring email lists, contacted local resource centres and libraries with my business cards and brochures. I gave away free lessons as part of gift baskets and raffles. I had advertising magnets done up for my car. I volunteer at my son's school with the Talking Tables program and with reading. I signed up for the annual Christmas tree decorating competition between all the businesses in my home town. I participate in city events. I go to school board meetings and I am a part of my son's school PAC. I wear my Awesome Possum hoodie and baseball cap with pride. I talk about what I do. I have set up vendor tables at events such as craft fairs and marketplaces. I have posted my logo-ed items on community notice boards. I offer a free session to any current clients who successfully bring in a new client to me. You name it, I have done it!


Q: Facebook! What did you do exactly?
A: Facebook is a whole other cat. You can take classes on how to maximize the site traffic on your business page. For me personally, I know Facebook is based on algorithms so I based my posts on contests like free sessions so people would share my info. I would post random fun words facts to catch people's attention. I offer a free session to those clients who book with me through Facebook. I keep my posts fun, positive and usually with something to offer.

Q: Where did you get all your logo and all the logo stuff made up?
A: Vistaprint -they are pretty amazing. It was a one stop shop for me. I also frequent the local print shop when I need something next day.

Here are some other helpful hints:

- Take notes on everything, even it seems ridiculous
- Make a Excel spreadsheet for all your finances if you do not use a bookkeeper.
- BC business taxes are not due until the end of June.
- Always keep a stack of business cards on you; you never know when you will need one.
- Keep info on your clients/customers this will help when you offer a new service
- Save all your bills, receipts and invoices for tax time and file it all straight away.
- Do month end reconciliation, don't put it off, you want to track everything!
- If you do not have a bookkeeper Turbo Tax is an excellent program for first time business tax users.
- Document all your gas expenditures, travel and keep receipts. Credit card bills are acceptable!
- You can write off so much off at tax time... http://www.cra-arc.gc.ca/tx/bsnss/tpcs/slprtnr/bsnssxpnss/menu-eng.html#expenses for a full list with guidelines. (Cell phone, bridge tolls, insurance, etc!)
- Schedule time in to work! It is too easy to procrastinate. Set boundaries with your partner and children with time and space.
- Change what doesn't work and cut the redundancies. For example I changed my pay scale six months in as it was too labour intensive for a sliding scale and I wanted more public transparency with what I charged. Having said that I can take on a student of the parents or guardians are struggling financially.
- Keep a do to list
- Dream where you want to go with the business. Write down where you see yourself in 5 and 10 years.
- Follow your instincts
- Keep a blog - if appropriate
- Participate in community events - give back!
- Try to think 2 steps ahead, never be 100% complacent, and always question things that do not make sense to you.
- Create! it is your business, have fun with it!
- Love what you do!

- Thrift shops and Craiglist are GREAT places to acquire office supplies, decor and office equipment. Don't spend all your money on super fancy office items. Go for classy with the guise of it being cheap, easy, or free!
- Keep your clients informed about new products, services and events. There are new federal laws about sending informational emails to customers. Be sure upon them subscribing they agree to you sending them unsolicited information.

- Keep relevant, move with the times, trying not to get stuck or stagnant. Attend seminars and classes, they are out there and most of them are free! Check your local library, non-profits and newspapers. "Like" Facebook pages that help your cause.


I will keep adding to this list as I go on...

I hope you find this helpful! If you do pass it along! If you don't well I can't give your your time back but I can give you a hug the next time I see you. I do not have a business degree, all this above information is based on my own personal experience. Take what you like and leave the rest!

If you have any questions feel free to email me at awesomepossumconsulting@gmail.com also, like my Facebook page for awesome possum super fun facts on spelling, writing, word origins and other wordy word type things. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Awesome-Possum-Tutoring-and-Consulting/192510507539462

Cheers!

Courtney C.
Sole Proprietor of Awesome Possum Tutoring & Consulting and CEO of the Catt household

                                                         I can't believe it is all mine!

The City of Port Coquitlam - Nominated Home-Based Business of the Year 2013 & 2014
Runner-Up Port Coquitlam People's Choice Award 2014

Why you Gotta be so Crude?

There's an evil man trying to claim the north pole
preservation? for science? oh fuck! oh hell no!

There are a couple of other countries in the frozen running
Run by the oil hungry, diggin for some money
zealous sons of bitches without a blessed soul
Harper is one of them; lets dig that fucking hole!

Blinded by the money and the thick teaxs tea
The Jebs are so long ago 1960s
Time to get with the times you thieving shitty dude
Why are you eying up Santa's secret ocean crude

Oh wait yes I said it the value and the money
raping precious earth has never been that funny
The beauty of the earth is going to slip away
so you and your golfing buddies get a payday

There are 5 power countries vying for the space
 Denmark and Norway their heart's in the right place
But the other three countries have a little learning
Russia, Canada and the States these countries are really burning
To get a big mark in international waters
No one owns that place for the sake of sons and daughters

Dropping the flag on the pristine ocean floor
Is a pathetic little show for what is in store
Canada ultimately has turned to the dark side
But this shit isn't new google Harper for the crimes

PEACE

The Momma

                                                                Classic.

Holiday Thought...

My two-bits... It does not matter to me if someone says Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas to me, I am grateful for the blessing. What bothers me is the xenophobic, ultra nationalist, far-right-tea party-Ann-Coulter-garbage of the super staunch "Merry Christmas" folks who have the inability to see it from any other side but their own. No point in getting in a tizzy about the lack of Merry Christmas's because nothing is being taken from you, in fact, you are given so much with a simple blessing. I welcome any kind of well wishes including the Christ in Christmas. 

Hugs & Shit
From the Pagan Momma!
Blessed Be!

Happy Saturnalia! Happy Christmas! Happy Kwanzaa! Happy Bodhi Day! Happy Krampusnacht! 
Happy
Pancha Ganapati! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Yule! Happy Yalda! Happy Sadeh! 

Happy Chahar Shanbeh Suri! Happy Soyal! 

Many blessings to you beautiful souls around the world. 

Ass-u-me

So what do you do now that you have this free time as a stay at home mom?

I get asked this a lot.

Here is my truthful answer...

What time? I wake up to a 2 and 5 year old wanting different breakfasts, jumping on my bed, help Things get dressed, face washed, teeth cleaned (if they are lucky) and play, entertain, marble race time, find missing marbles, oh shit I lost their marbles, dominoes set up, dominoes clean up, put on bandaids, break up wrestling matches gone too far, make lunch, put on a load of laundry, clean up the spill, find out why Thing 2 is crying, read 14 books, kick the soccer ball outside, wrap presents, step on Lego, make appointments, write cards, sneak a 15 minute nap in on the floor pretending to play cars, reassemble a broken toy, turn on a show, bake a thing for that shindig tomorrow, make smoothies, make popcorn, help with child's printing sheets from school, set up painting, clean up painting, set up bubbles, clean up bubbles, pull out frozen protein from freezer, go for a walk, go on a snail hunt, make observations in the forest, buys stamps, change some diapers, potty train, oh shit feed the cat, investigate why there is a random poo nugget on the floor, wash Thing 2's hands, wash floor, submit government funding paperwork, respond to 20 knock knock jokes, praise Thing 1 for hilarity, change bed sheets, scrub the crayon off the wall, clean fridge as something has died in there, tidy up toys, make dinner, read a few more stories, have a thumb war, Thing 1's autism worker has come over. Thing 1 not in the mood today. Help ABA worker transition Thing 1 to new activities, Thing 2 wants my undivided attention, put Thing 2 on the counter and engage him in what I am doing (still making dinner), put said dinner in oven on low heat, doorbell rings, my first tutoring student, Thing 2 screams as I have left his side, put on Thomas, scramble downstairs, The hubs is late, ABA worker leaving, tutoring kid, The hubs rolls in, fill in the Hubs in under 20 seconds, hear Things fighting upstairs, 1 hour tutoring session, next kid comes in, another hour tutoring session, after work is done go upstairs, help Things tidy toys, bath time, play referee to the Things in the bath tub, help put things to bed, go back downstairs to basement, remove cat 20 times from my keyboard, do a few hours of lesson plans, admin, research tools and resources, finalize some invoices and receipts, respond to some work emails, around midnight respond to personal emails, tend to family paperwork, watch a you tube vid or two, read an article about the health benefits of having sex every day with your partner, look at partner, and go to bed around 1 AM.Get up at 7:30 AM next day and repeat.

I love my life, I really do. But when you ask that question (So what do you do now that you have this free time as a stay at home mom?) with a tone of you-have-it-so-good-you-lucky-asshole-while-I-have-to-do-a-40-hour-soul-sucking-work-week" it takes too long to explain myself so I just respond with Yoga, I now go to Yoga, watch reruns of the Oprah show, drink hot Chai Tea lattes and do Pinterest projects. It's just easier that way.

The Moral of this Cautionary Tale: Never Assume. Ever.

HUGS!

The Momma

"Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy."   -Tina Fey

Cute: http://themindunleashed.org/2014/06/16-reasons-daily-sex.html

                                                                          Classic

Consuming the New Religon

I grew up in 80s consumption
early training for a lack of gumption
did this affect my inner function?
Damn rights, just make an assumption.
 Trayvon happens every single day
We stop and text and then it goes away
How do we let all this happen
in our modern day?
Oh  right, distraction, I just got paid.
Heading to the mall to get the latest thing
just got my newest plastic thing a ma jig
when status is wrapped up in silly little things
You are trying so hard just to fit in.
Fit into what you ask?
I'm about to put this shit on blast
The trinket you bought came from 3rd world
it came from tiny hands as young as your girl
It came from oppression, injustice and pain
and then they send this shit with no thought or blame
toxic materials raped from the earth
made by modern day slaves subjected from birth
they send it away with little to no pay and we say
hey I support their economy
wrong, you are a part of the machine
eating and consuming and creating a scene
but we hide behind that cute little screen
filled with videos of celebrity
the distracted false dream
When you buy that trinket made by tiny hands
your lining the pockets of the big white man
sitting in offices high above the city
collecting fat cheques and behaving really shitty.

Peace

Sat-Turd-Day

Hello Friends...

My day went a little something like this...

Woke up to alarm
only pressed snooze once
miracle
showered, alone
miracle #2
got ready for the work day
got Thing 2 out of bed
got Thing 2 to jump of the hubs to wake him up
classic
the hubs - sacked
Thing two 1 - the hubs nuts 0
went downstairs to find Thing 1
Thing 1 - an accomplished man
cereal check
naked - check
watching peppa pig on tablet - check
found chips and raccooned into bag - check
put his milk in a mug like daddy's coffee - check
built a train city in middle of kitchen floor - check
momma almost died tripping over train set - check
Thomas blaring in the background - check
downstairs computer blaring Calliou game - check
2 fig bars down - check
As I walk down the stairs Thing 1 casually says, "Oh Hi mom" like nothing is up
I returned his hi and kept going downstairs
Not my problem I am off to work
Commute is a bitch
the basement is so far
Tutored 4 awesome possum kids
While tutoring the 4th kid Thing 2 escapes
Thing 2 makes his way downstairs and sits on my lap
Hubs not home from bowling
babysitter can't keep him upstairs
Thing 2 is a klingon
Thing 2 poops
Thing 2 refuses diaper change from babysitter
Thing 2 screaming
I deal with thing 2's butt
I continue with Tutoring
I hate unprofessionalism
let go and let my higher power
babysitter's time is up
still trying to tutor
tutoring kid, cat sitting on kids book, babysitter gone and Thing 2 hiding behind laundry curtain
 quiet but concerned
smell of poop returns
its a poonami
hubs comes home late with Thing 1
sick Thing 2 on the hubs
The hubs and Thing 1 gag as they enter the house
Tutoring kid has lifted his shirt to cover nose
I have a scarf wrapped around my head
classic
tutoring over
Hubs claims he is tired and bolts to the bedroom
in my head I say fuck it
put down thing 2 for nap
Let Thing 1 watch the polar express, this time seasonally appropriate
and I curl up on the couch for a 2 hour sleeping extravaganza
BAM
everyone up at 5PM
everyone hangry
No one wants to cook
Load up the fam
go to sushi
Thing 2 grabs wasabi without us noticing and chows down
Take thing 2 outside for a screaming water fit
calms down after sushi lady gives him and mint candy
yay sushi lady
thing 1's new thing is knock knock jokes
Knock knock
who's there
Anita
Anita who?
Anita green wasabi like Thing 2!
Knock knock continues for 10 minutes with 5 year old hilarity
Thing 1 thinks he is the funniest man on the planet
the momma testing out her 50 different kids of fake laughs
success, I think I have found one
Thing 1 thinks I am his #1 fan
Thing 1 is right
After dinner home to bed
Thing 2 bath
shits in bath
shit #3
Thing 1 freaking out a floating poop
Thing 2 laughing
Hose down the things
wished I had my scarf
thinks to myself how I am sick of touching, smelling and breathing in poo particles
Now I sit here
procrastinating work
sore throat coming on
winter rite of passage
looking at my to do list
wanting a back massage instead
I can't wait to get up and do it all again tomorrow

Fig bar count - all accounted for
fig bars eaten by thing 1 - 3
wasabi ball challenge taken - 1
to do list items # 27
wanting a back massage - not a hubs one but a pro one
oh wait #28 get Carter's pants back to his mom

HUGS & SHIT
The Momma

                                             10 years ago in CUBA... wish I was there

I learned this shit in Kindergarten

I was witness to something not so special today. A pal of mine online cut her hair and posted a picture. The majority of comments were not too kind. When I spoke up, which I like to do, I was given a come back that I have heard way too many times before."It is just my opinion and I am entitled to my opinion."  Now, you are probably thinking, it is just Facebook, so who cares right?! I think the comments speak volumes on how North Americans have a gross sense of entitlement and that their shit does not stink. What ever happened to if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all? Some of the comments were, "Well it will grow back." That is a loaded statement. How is that statement kind or helpful? Does this person not know that her hair will not grow back?

I once had a (now former) FB friend write on his wall: "My pet peeves - women with skinny eyebrows and fat chicks in high heels." How is this helpful or kind? What these comments really do is shame people. We live in a looks-obsessed society and we put pressure on others to conform which makes us to be fearful and therefore we consume. We are buying into the beauty myth and distracted from the real purpose in life. To love and be loved. Am I distracted, hell yes, I am not immune to all this shit but what I can say is I am lucky enough I get to have my say and that yes, even if it is just a FB comments, I will still say something. I hope that people will think twice before spewing their projected vile out into the world under the guise of an "opinion".

BTW her hair is kick ass and she rocks it.

HUGS & spreading the love...

The Momma

Advice: You are not entitled to give unsolicited advice.

Today is a good day. The hubs is home from work, Thing 1 is at school and Thing 2 is home with dad napping. I have the afternoon to myself with the car. So amazing. I did a couple of errands, checked out a new toy store and mailed some letters. To finish off the afternoon I went to pick up a 2 liter of pop for the hubs. Now when I am alone without kids I take my time looking at everything, even if it is a corner store. I know weird. I get a kick of checking out expiry dates, thick layers of dust, and price mark-ups. So, as I was in front of the beverage case I took my time looking at all the ridiculous brands of caffeine drinks. I even took out a few drinks to read some labels and questionable ingredients. I can feel the corner store owner watching me like a hawk. I don't blame her but it is still frustrating as I have never even shop lifted in my life.

 I take up the 2 litre of pop and place it on the counter. She looks at me then looks at the 2 litre. Then looks at me again. I have my fiver ready in my hand to pay when she says, "You were looking at the healthy drinks, why are you getting this one?" To which I replied, "What healthy drinks?" She then said, You know the juices and water." I replied with a deadpan mono-toned voice, "Would you prefer I get water or juice instead?" She said, "Well, those are healthier choices." I then said, "I have a question for you; if I was an average-sized person would you have asked me that same question?" Brazenly she said, "No, probably not." I did not say anything else and I just walked out.

Sorry hubs, no pop for you. 

This is just a cautionary tale on how our society so easily discriminates. Like rape culture, there is a new wave of fat shaming culture that needs to obviously stop. What I eat, wear, read, learn, say or love is not up for voiced observations, advice, debates or public scrutiny. Can't a fat girl get some pop without the talk? Everyone thinks they are experts on everyone elses' lives, time to take an inventory of your own.

Judge less, love more. Bless them, change me. Other people's opinions of me are none of my business.

HUGS and Shit

The MOMMA  <3

                                        I hate Peta for the unethical treatment of real human beings.

The most perfectly imperfect life is pure perfection.

Black Friday is coming. It is a weekend to buy nothing.

Take a weekend off from being a consumer. Let's celebrate all things that are currently in our homes. Take a look at all the riches all around you living and not.  The books you don't read, the craft you put down with good intentions, the plants you neglect, the people you want to see, the tea that's in your cupboard, the board game collecting dust, the debates that you miss, the love that needs to be spread, the creation you dismiss, the tree that needs a hug, the mind that needs some quiet, the laundry piling up? Nah.

What are you doing this weekend?

Just moments before

A candy so sweet
innocent until I eat
can't stop
don't stop
my head is over top
no way to shut it off
I love how others scoff
at my attempts to hold off
but I can't, I can't stop.
They say how can she get so big
just put the food down
I drown in the mound of emotions
devotion to the drug
makes me sound like a sweet thug
under the rug, I am swept
away from feeling
gets my whole head reeling
sugar is so freeing
and makes me so seething
I need a new dream away from the scene
a candy coated hell
it hits me like a spell
round and round in this well
I am drowning
I am out of control sugars tight hold
It has to stop
I can't stop
I rock
I can't rock
I am blocked
Don't stop
I can't stop
I need to get off
this train of indecision
The loud snort of derision
Hitting me with shame
Playing the brain game
addiction is no laughing matter
it makes you even madder
sadder and sadder
I get
from others playing god
take a look at me
outside I'm happy
laughing and flailing
inside I'm derailing
I am internally wailing
I want no one to see
the sugar side of me
but the truth is out there for everyone to see
When you look at another
that person with a mother
a sister a brother a father and another
remember you have the cheap seats
from a distance you can't see
the stories underneath
We were all once innocent like babies
I want to wipe my slate clean
Peace






 

Guilty Pleasures

What do I need to write about today? Oh yes, that is right... Guilty Pleasures...

I have em, you do to, I am going to reveal mine...

I go and sing karaoke by myself at the local karaoke joint. (In a private booth mind you) I go frequently enough that the owner gives me extra time and a bottle of water for free.
I love to start craft projects but not finish them, yes, I enjoy not finishing them.  I am craft-aloof.
I spend $7 on aloe infused socks because they are amazing. (Just one pair for $7!)
I still love the Spice Girls. Viva Forever baby!
I watch loads of crap on You tube, I mean loads: like Minecraft, Naan Cat, Crazy Russian Hacker, Fails, Wins, Epic Mealtime, Kids react to and Kid History kind of shit.
I love to watch ASMR videos to help me go to sleep. Google it. Better Yet You Tube it. https://www.youtube.com/user/GentleWhispering
I love stinky old cheeses. Stinkier and aged is the best. I want it to smell like feet.
I love the Boston Red Sox because I fell in love with the city when I visited there when I was 13.
I read romance novels. whatever, so do you.
I love my crocks. It feels like I am walking on marshmallows.
I actually dance when no one is watching.
I love Boney M.
I love to sit in Value Village and thrift shops and spend long periods of time searching for old nostalgic children's books. 

That is all I can think of for now.

Hugs & Rugs

The Momma

                                                  

A Mermaid Named Punchy

I just got back from swimming, momma's night out. I go two times a week Tuesdays and Sundays and I have to say it has done wonders for my body, soul and spiritual state of mind. I feel like a fucking mermaid! No really I do. Each time I go I do 40 laps (1 km) and I do 20 walking laps around the river run but going up stream. After all is said and done, I go in the hot tub, dive to the bottom of the pool in the deep end, I ride the waterside like a boss and float until my hearts content. Really, it is pretty amazing and it is all without kids. Blessed, really truly.

Tonight, I went into the hot tub after my workout, like usual and there were a lot of men in the hot tub, disproportionately. Normally I don't care but tonight, for some reason I was feeling uncomfortable with the gender imbalance. But since I was committed I got right in. As I sat I could hear random mumblings of "muff dive" and "shit she has a smokin' body" etc. ugh. Then there was a lady, a big lady, not too much bigger than my self. She jumped into the pool, made a splash and the group of douche bags yelled out "WOAH!" One Dbag in particular said, "Oh my God she is so fat!" I shot him a look, I stood up from my already uncomfortable seat in the overly-hot Dbag soup, and said, "Really? Listen, I am calling you on your shit, you're an asshole. How about her weight is none of your fucking business." Then all his friends made this face (see pic below). He said something as I exited the hot tub, didn't hear it, I didn't need to. I think my new nickname should be punchy. I was feeling punchy, it is the best way I can describe it. If you put down fat people I will say something, it is just the way I roll.

Anyway, the night resumed. I could not give two shits what they said about me after I left. My only hope is that he thinks twice before doing that again. I went right back to enjoying the bliss of being by myself, being in the moment and swimming like a fucking bad-ass mermaid.

Thing 2 bail count 4 that I saw
No fig bars to count
Note to self: Must buy "inside shoes" for Thing 1 and not at the farmer's market like he suggested.
Thing 1 bananer count: 0
Thing 2 high fiver count: at least 20
New alter ego: Punchy the Badass Mermaid

Hugs and Shit

The Momma

Oh Dear, It Has Been a While...

Sorry bout that... I have been busy? Not busy as in the self-important busy but more like the busy as in school and new schedules in in the fore-front of everyone's mind. It always is if you have a child with autism.

Here are some Thing 1-isms...

Thing 1 says to me tonight, "Momma I don't need to count anymore, I can see it is 20." As he counted 10 pigs in a row parallel with 10 more pigs.

Thing 1 says to me last month, "Momma you need two more teaspoons because you already put two in and you need four." As I came back from answering the phone mid-scoops.

Thing 1 says to me last week, "Momma I need you to go to the store and get puzzles with more pieces please. I need 200 puzzles." I think to myself, shit, I can't even do 200 piece puzzles.

Thing 1 says to me last week, "Momma, I need more blocks." I ask why. He responds with, "Well I need enough blocks for three numbers in a row." I ask, "You mean in the hundreds?" He responds, "Of course!"

Thing 1 says to me, "Momma what is your number?" I respond with, "My number, what do you mean?" He responds frustrated, "Momma what is your number, your number in birthday parties!" I say, "Oh, you want to know my age!" Tilts his head with a get it together look on his face, "Yeah, what is your number?" "I am 36." He then asks, "What is daddy's number?" I respond with, "Daddy's age is 40" He responds with, "Forty cakes! That is a lot of cake momma!"

Thing 1 says to me as we are driving, "Momma how many more lefts and rights do we have to go?" After a minute of figuring it out I say, "We are going 4 lefts and two rights." He then said, "Momma why are we driving in a square?" I then say to him, "You are right buddy, how about you tell me when we get there how many rights and lefts we take." I wasn't going to argue with him. lol

This kid understand numbers. I did not teach him place value, adding, and puzzle doing. He just understands it like a first language. Nutty and sadly not my forte. I think I will be recruiting his math genius father for this task.

Kindergarten, here we come!

Hugs & Shit

The Momma

                                                          This is exciting shit at my house!

Paleo Parenting

Thing 2 started biting a few months ago. I tried the lovingly talking it through method, I tried the "Ouch that hurts mommy!" card, I tried the fake whimpering, I tried the time out, I tried the read a book about it solution. You name it, I tried it. It came to a head one day in the middle of Thing 1's preschool graduation ceremony. I was videoing Thing1's ceremony when I felt this shocking and most horrible jarring pain. I felt Thing 2's arms wrap around my leg like a baby koala when he chomped on me with his sharp jagged baby teeth. It came at such a surprise I actually yelled out, "Oh my God he bit me!" Everyone stopped and looked at me. I laughed and replied, "Sorry! sorry... sorry..." I picked up Thing 2 and took him outside. I had enough of captain bitey-pants. I took his hand and I very casually bit him. Not hard, but enough to shock him. That was the last time he bit anyone. I have come to learn that toddlers are like little cave people. They grunt, bite, use rudimentary tools, they are messy, get into things because they are naturally curious, they stomp, they throw things, they try to be naked all the time, they have the potential to draw on the walls, they run everywhere, they can be nomadic, they smell and lastly, they are all about the survival of the fittest.  I figure sometimes my little caveman needs a different set of parenting skills.  #Paleoparent

Hugs and Shit

The Momma

                A savvy modern-day cave-child demonstrating one of the many uses of her portable cave.

Why I am not taking the $40...

Everything is so up in the air... I hope it gets resolved - fast.

Disclaimer: There are NO judgements on who and or why you are going or not going to take the $40/day but here are my very personal reasons for not wanting to take the $40/day.

• I am in a fortunate situation where I have a home-based business and I am a stay-at-home mom therefore I do not need the money for what it is intended for, even though it could help us in these financially tricky times. Having said that I have some clients who have teachers as parents and they might not renew their contacts with me due to not being able to pay the mortgage.

• I do not want to take Christy Clark's bribe - dirty money

• The money is taxable income

• A horrible band-aid solution and tactic for a very big mess

• What the provincial government is doing is illegal as the classroom size issue has gone to court not once but twice and the they are not holding up their end of the court appointed deal. It is like the deadbeat parent not paying child support. 

• The compensation is a slap in the face to what is really being missed out on

• The approx $12 million/day spent could be saved and invested for future education budgets

• The $40/day ploy divides the parents and the teachers - just what Christy wants

• It was never supposed to be my money in the first place

• All other provinces spend more money on the kids than does BC

• By the time BC kids finish grade twelve, the kind government of BC will have spent $13,000 less than any other province for their education.

• Every other province goes to binding arbitration when there is a dispute with teachers. BC does not. Clark does not think it is "necessary".

• No other province has ever bribed parents to keep their kids home from school. BC has.

• No other government has talked about the "affordability zone" while making sure that MLA salaries increase by 70% and personal assistants by astronomical amounts in the past five years.

 Now that I have said what I have said please I do not judge anyone for taking the money. You do what you have to do and you have your very justified reasons for doing so I am sure! In fact, my husband and I disagree on this and he is applying for the money despite my arguments. My husband assures me that the $40/day will go into an RESP. I still do not feel good about it though.

I welcome comments! And don't feel like you have to justify to me about taking the money, we all have our reasons! Also, I am not on any high horses here! Me (trying) not taking the money is my own personal stand.

Hugs & Shit

The Momma

Bucket List

As you can probably tell by now I am a big fan of lists. Lists are the shit. Lists are beautiful. Lists can be organized, alphabetized, arranged by due date, arranged by category, arranged by colour, this list to describe lists can go on and on and on. You can even have an unorganized list because the list its self is a mode to organization. Lists. I live by them. Without my lists and calendar I would be wandering the mean streets of my city wondering when my library books would be due or if my child had school that day or not. I rely heavily on my lists as my brain simply cannot hold the amount of short term information that my life requires. Now that I have shared my passion for lists and organization I am going to share with you my bucket list.

Learn French and have real French conversations
Skydive
Scuba Dive
Go to a communist country
Learn to drive standard
Join an adult choir
Take opera lessons
Fly a kite on Cannon beach
Zip Trek
Climb Golden Ears
Become a doctor
Grow my own food
Become a beekeeper
Have a home based-business
Learn to make really good Mexican food
Make peace with my addiction to food
Snowboard or ski
Go zorbing
Go on a haunted walking tour
Be a part of a paranormal investigation
Prepare a will
Be a published writer
Trek to Everest Base camp
Learn to play backgammon
See the Aurora Borealis
Travel to Iceland
Plant a tree and watch it grow
Learn how to wear makeup
Wine Tour
Go surfing
Relearn how to read music
Be known for a recipe
Play on a national level team
Volunteer at a hospice
Get over my fear of snakes
Fly in a helicopter
Have kids
Be in a life long commitment with someone
Teach someone to read
Go to a spiritual retreat
Astral travel
Go to Newfoundland
Go to England
By a house with some land

oh my *shudders* lists are amazeballz.

Hugs & Shit

The Momma

                                                     This is a most excellent idea.

The Fountain, diaper tales and other Thing 2 Shenanigans

What happened today?!

Got up at 8:45 AM, 15 minutes before 1st awesome tutoring kid
No show
Call parent
No response
I hope everyone is ok
Do admin from 9-10 am
wait for next client
no show
hmmm....
Do more admin
Finally 11:15 am client! yay!
Tutor awesome possum kid for an hour
Done
Go upstairs to eat something
attacked by Things
Hubs and Thing 1 are going fishing with Gramps today.
Get Thing 1 dressed
Accidentally clocks me in the nose with cast on his arm
Classic
Get Thing 2 dressed
Kicks me while changing diaper as he wants to be naked and play with his penis
Let Thing 2 play with penis
Give him a minute
look back at Thing 2
He has dreamy eyes
Tell Thing 2 that I am putting on his diaper
Tell Thing 2 stop looking at me with dreamy eyes
Suitably wigged out
Get the hubs and Thing 1 out the door with out Thing 2 noticing
Success
Play with Thing 2
Thing 2 rips off diaper and plays with his penis
Thing 2 promptly pees with a nice big arched stream
Thing 2 plays with fountain and laughs
Momma cleans up pee and leaves Thing 2 naked
Eat some lunch
Waged WW3 with Thing 2 to get diaper back on for a nap
Thing 2 zero - The Momma 1
Nap time
HOLY SHIT I HAVE 2 HOURS
I worked, naturally although a nap was in the cards
Boys came home with their catch
In laws came over for salmon dinner
YUM
Put boys to bed
IN basement working
Again... more lesson plans
No eating tonight! Must fast for diabetes testing
Mandatory 2 years post gestational diabetes testing test
Wish me luck
I want to eat
fack
oh well
maybe I'll go to bed on time tonight

Thing 2 bail count - 4 that I saw
Fig bar count - all accounted for
Humans farting on my lap today - 3
Wars fought and won - 1
Gratefulness - infinity

HUGS and SHIT
The Momma

                                                                       No words.

An Update on My To-Do List

 Do to List from Previous Blog...

* Purchase 20+ items in different places for Thing 1's ABA therapy sessions
* Take all receipts and fill out government forms - photocopy and submit
* Pay Visa - Thursday
* Pay Telus Bill  - Thursday * Make new Pics for Thing 1's therapy Pic board
* Tupperware order - Friday
* Recycle all old Tupperware - old warranties
* Blood work at the lab -required 3 hours and a shit load of fasting
* Find babysitting for said fasting blood work  Thank you Aunty Robyn!!
* Make eye Dr.. appointment for Thing 1 - Hope he cooperates this time
* Phonics and Math Game development for my business
* 11 Lesson Plans - Sunday
* Teachers Pay Teacher site - sell work sheets when come back from edit
* Cancel Paid Tupper-site - Thursday
* Extra Meeting with SLP make sure hubs can get 1/2 day from work and in-laws
* Re-read an Autism book - highlight parts that pertain to Thing 1 for others to read
* Take the bus Friday
*  Library - get stamps for reading club and return items - Thursday
* Canucks CAN Network sign up and find swimming lessons
* Volunteer with retreat organization
* Literature lady at 12 step meeting, make an order
* 5 loads of laundry
* change Thing 2's sheets as he peed through his PJs again - Thursday
* Organize Sept tutoring schedule
* Monthly paperwork
* Over the summer project the school gave us
* Need labels to label everything Thing 1 will take to school
* Check in on friend's cat this week
* Refill my prescription
* Pack a picnic - Friday night
* Print off all Tupperware parties for 2014 for tax time
* steam the floors from milk-gate - Thursday
* Figure out if I can play field hockey this year re: tutoring schedule
* Back up the hard drive
* Oil change for the car
* Read friend's recently publish book and write a review for her
* Make appointment for  Thing 1 to have his cast removed in 2 weeks - Thursday
* Email distant family members pic of Things as I don't post pics of kids on the internet
* Take pics of Things
* Arrange for babysitting in the fall 3 hours/week
* Grocery Shop - Sunday
* 4 dinner club - get it going
* Call dad, it's his birthday - Friday
* Invite in-laws over on Sunday for dinner - Thursday
* Exercise daily
* Pick up bday present for 3 year old girl
* Buy more bus tickets for take the bus Friday
* Buy more Apple/mint zylitol gum for tutoring kids
* Pick up lost item from the lost and found downtown
* Potty train Thing 2
* Decline picnic invite and thank the host for the invite
* apologize to friend for RSVPing yes to a BBQ and no-showing (yar...)
* Haircuts for Thing 1 & 2
* Find missing fig bar before the hubs has a fit

I am feeling quite accomplished!
Thank you to those who reached out and helped!!
Hugs and Shit
The Momma

                             This really happened. Don't get too excited, this shit doesn't happen every day.

Shapshot - Lit. and Fig.

I was writing out my to do list and I thought heck, I will type this shit out. Then I thought heck I will cut and paste out of MS word and share it with the world... do I have a point? Yes, read on...

* Purchase 20+ items in differnt places for Thing 1's ABA therapy sessions
* Take all receipts and fill out government forms - photocopy and submit
* Pay Visa - Thursday
* Pay Telus Bill  - Thursday
* Make new Pics for Thing 1's therapy Pic board
* Tupperware order - Friday
* Recycle all old Tupperware - old warranties
* Blood work at the lab -required 3 hours and a shit load of fasting
* Find babysitting for said fasting blood work
* Make eye Dr.. appointment for Thing 1 - Hope he cooperates this time
* Phonics and Math Game development for my business
* 11 Lesson Plans - Sunday
* Teachers Pay Teacher site - sell work sheets when come back from edit
* Cancel Paid Tupper-site - Thursday
* Extra Meeting with SLP make sure hubs can get 1/2 day from work and in-laws
* Re-read an Autism book - highlight parts that pertain to Thing 1 for others to read
* Take the bus Friday
*  Library - get stamps for reading club and return items - Thursday
* Canucks CAN Network sign up and find swimming lessons
* Volunteer with retreat organization
* Literature lady at 12 step meeting, make an order
* 5 loads of laundry
* change Thing 2's sheets as he peed through his PJs again - Thursday
* Organize Sept tutoring schedule
* Monthly paperwork
* Over the summer project the school gave us
* Need labels to label everything Thing 1 will take to school
* Check in on friend's cat this week
* Refill my perscription
* Pack a picnic - Friday night
* Print off all Tupperware parties for 2014 for tax time
* steam the floors from milk-gate - Thursday
* Figure out if I can play field hockey this year re: tutoring schedule
* Back up the hard drive
* Oil change for the car
* Read friend's recently publish book and write a review for her
* Make appointment for  Thing 1 to have his cast removed in 2 weeks - Thursday
* Email distant family members pic of Things as I don't post pics of kids on the internet
* Take pics of Things
* Arrange for babysitting in the fall 3 hours/week
* Grocery Shop - Sunday
* 4 dinner club - get it going
* Call dad, it's his birthday - Friday
* Invite in-laws over on Sunday for dinner - Thursday
* Exercise daily
* Pick up bday present for 3 year old girl
* Buy more bus tickets for take the bus Friday
* Buy more Apple/mint zylitol gum for tutoring kids
* Pick up lost item from the lost and found downtown
* Potty train Thing 2
* Decline picnic invite and thank the host for the invite
* apologize to friend for RSVPing yes to a BBQ and no-showing (yar...)
* Haircuts for Thing 1 & 2
* Find missing fig bar before the hubs has a fit

So I write this because, it keeps things in perspective for me, keeps me organized, and allows me to prioritize. I do not write this list to feel important or to one-up anyone. For me being busy is not ideal. I want to have hobbies again. I write this down as a reminder. I left a hard job working as an executive assistant downtown making a good salary and you know I have no regrets. This job is 10 times harder and a million times more fun. This is a snapshot of my life right now, I love it. I would not trade it for anything.

Hugs & Shit
The Momma

   My snapshot - As per the recommended guidelines set out by blogger and The Sears Portrait Studio.

My brain on fat...

Sitting with a group of friends, having a great night. Drunk guys shows up and barges in our good time. We let him as he is drunk and will probably not be around for long. Drunk idiot points out to a woman on the street below and says, "Holy shit, she is so fat!" I look at him and say, "That is not ok." He looks at me, realizes I am fat and says, "Oh its alll goood!" To which I respond, "No it's not." He quickly goes downstairs to the lady and apologizes like a bumbling fool. What an idiot. The lady never heard him and his original ugly comment. I look around thinking ok good he is gone lets continue on with the night right? I look at my friends and they seem uncomfortable. Should I say something? I have not taken what this man said personally it's done it is over. To no one's fault, I feel like the elephant in the room. I am suddenly aware of every lump and fold and my clothing suddenly does not feel ok. I feel compelled to say stuff. I don't really feel like explaining but it is something I feel like I have to do. Right or wrong. Perpetually, I feel like I need to constantly apologize for my place in the world. Sound fucked? Absolutely.

I have decided I no longer have to explain shit to anyone. I do not need to justify my fatness. I am fat and it is my own journey. I am not anyone's sexual fetish or punching bag. I am not here to please everyone but myself. I am not the happy go lucky jolly fat girl. I am just me. What if I am to physically change? That shit is too scary for words. Who am I without the fatness? At the core I know who I am but how will I fit into this world? How will the world respond to me? I don't want to hear about how I have lost weight from others. My weight is nobodies business but my own. The biggest compliment anyone can give is, "Wow, you look so happy!"

I over heard a conversation last night at a coffee shop. Two people chatting about their families and how they were so proud of their adult children and grandchildren and how not one of them is fat. Wow and wow. OK so fat=bad. I am a person. I have been on both side of the fat/skinny spectrum. I am sick of people treating me different for being fat. Fat discrimination sucks truck people. I hear people say well then if the fat is not working for you why not just change it? Oh right... that's it! Fuck, all these years had I known... fuck. You are so right. Jesus, I could teach a class on caloric intake and output. I could show you a million things about exercises and label reading. I have lost 80 lbs and gained it all right back. The issue is an inside one, it is my issue, it is a very personal issue and I am done explaining. The moral of this fantastic outburst.... everyone has a story. Everyone has a really personal fucking story that does not require justification. I feel relieved that have given myself permission to not explain anymore.

Hugs and Shit

The Momma

Really Time, really? You are so clever. ;) Classic.

                                                        

Unsolicited Advice - The Momma

Are your committee of assholes back at it? Are they taking up free rent in your brain?
Imagine 5 year old little adorable and amazing you, would you say such things to a 5 year old?

I highly doubt it.

Think of  that 5 year old the next time you have terrible thoughts.
You are heard, you are seen, you are loved.

                                                           Yeah I am talking to you.

I bet they won't do that again....

So I have a little story that is a stand up and slow clap kind of story...

A number of years ago, pre-kids, I went to pick up the Hubs from the ferry. You see every year the Hubs goes off with his buddies and has a drinking-mini-golfing'-karaoke-ing weekend on the island. It is really quite a spectacle and I love hearing about their shenanigans. I have to say if there is one way to recharge a dad's batteries, this is the best way for the HUBS. It is a brotherly bromance12+ years running. So it was a beautiful day and I decided I would go to the ferry terminal early: the sun was out, the bay is beautiful. I spend a few hours walking around, having some lunch and reading my book by the ocean, it was absolutely blissful. Now that I have children times like that are far and few between. I wish I had done it more often. I saw the ferry coming into the bay so I made my way to the ferry terminal.

Then this happened:

I was walking on the sidewalk making my way to the arrivals gate when a group of 6 "dad-normal-looking-40-ish-year-old-type-guys" walked passed me. Just when we were side by side I heard one of them say "Hey look Phil, it's your dream girl." in a mocking tone. I looked around to see who they were talking about and they were looking back at me. As they continued on their asshole-walk I started to follow them and yelled, "What the fuck did you just say?" Now 2 things... Number one cat calling is not appropriate whether it is in jest or as a compliment. Number two I know this was in jest. I continued to follow and yell at them publicly shaming them for being creeps, assholes, douche-bags and all around shitty people. The cowards did not look back. They started to walk faster. I went off about how I was someone's daughter and imagine if someone said that to your daughter or wife. In a blind rage I told them how sick it is that they think they can prey on women and how they get off on making people feel uncomfortable. This went on for one block when one of the guys turned around and said, "My friends are assholes ok!" When I responded, "And you are the company you keep!" They went into a pub and that is when I stopped, turned around and headed back to the ferry terminal. I felt sick to my stomach as the adrenaline was coursing through my body. I finally broke down. I was scared, I was pissed, I was beyond talking. Visibly upset I walked down the street when a young guy stood up from his park bench and did a slow-clap. It was a head-shaking, big-smiling, proud of what you just did slow-clap. He commented that he saw the whole thing and that it was awesome! He asked if I was going to be ok to which I said yes. It was him who allowed me to smile and give me a quick shot of faith in humanity. He also said, I am so glad that you did that. I am sure those jerks with think twice about doing that to someone else. This is true. I headed to the ferry and my hubs had arrived and all his buddies. He saw I was upset. I told the guys and they were ready to pummel something. They were extremely supportive and sorry that it had happened.

What I find interesting is that day I was feeling pretty good about myself. I had confidence walking through the world, which is rare in the summer-time. Bullies like that go after the "easy" prey. My weight, they thought, made me fodder for insult without retaliation. They were wrong and boy they were so wrong.This is not the first time something like this has happened to me. Fat is the easy joke. I do not let others define me.


Moral of the story: Don't make fun of this beautiful fat chick because you are going down!

Side note: TBBT should have a drinking game - every fat joke take a drink. I used to love this show, now they have saturated it with fat jokes and justifying fat jokes kind of comedy. boo on them.

                                               Where do I start with this? So many things...

Romance Shmoemance

So I guess I write. For those who do not know, I write romance stories. <insert heckling here> Yes, it is true, I write about steamy gazes from across the room and create fancy words for the man penis.  If I get published one day I will not tell you my pen name, unless of course, you are a closet fan of the lady porn. Now, if you come out of the lady porn closet I might just let you read my draft. You would remain anonymous... ah fuck it come out of the lady porn closet. Be loud and proud of the fact you like smut! Shout it from the roof tops, "I love lady porn!" and I will give you a snippet of my next blockbuster.


Here is a little ditty:  (to the tune of bah bah black sheep)

Romance, romance, romance books
How they make you sad about your looks
They make you want to lose some pounds
But you’re so into it you just lie down
Romance, romance, romance men
They hit you with a club and drag you in their den. 

Alright you dirty birds have a good BC day long weekend.

Hugs & Shit

The Momma

                                                                    Oh good god no.

An Archived Blog from Oct 3rd, 2008 - Wow and wow

I was going through my old files I had archived and apparently I used to blog back in the day on live journal.com. Huh, how 'bout them apples, I had completely forgot. Check out this doosey from Wednesday Oct 3rd, 2008. Super Serious Lady.

When I was a kid I struggled with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was in a constant state of counting things. I would have to count the tiles on the ceiling, count cars in a parking lot and even count repetitively the same items over and over. OCD for me was a coping mechanism it was a way for me to deal with the outside world. If I felt I could not control the outside world then I could strictly deal with the inside one. I felt like a broken record that kept on skipping and I could not make it stop. 

I would also have OCD when it came to time and space.  For example, when I would go out walking I would have to pass the mailbox before the bus would come by 4 steps. If I didn’t make it I would have obsessive weird thoughts about me and my family dying. Same with when I looked at the clock, if the time had a 2 in it that would be a bad omen. If it had a 3, 4 or 8 in it all was good with the world. I would also have to tap things three times of check things three times which would often warrant strange looks from those around me. I simply could not help myself. My life was based on these strange rules I had to abide by. I spend countless hours concentrating on these obsessive number and special tasks that I didn’t have to deal with emotion or real life. It went beyond the avoidance as well; it was also about having control and structure in my little rules-based world it was the one thing I felt in control of. Also, on the neurological end brain also was behaving like a broken record and the obsessive rituals were uncontrollable.

Now most people have OCD tendencies. They have little rituals and play little mind games with themselves; this can be quite natural as your mind likes to make semblance and order to the world. When it becomes OCD is when you are overtaken by the rituals and you cannot fully function as a person. In other words OCD interferes with your life and it can be devastating.  

Now as an adult I no longer deal with OCD but deal with a different but same problem, eating disorders. The premise it the same, I am numbing out the outside world, I have control with bizarre eating rules, and I have repetitive and obsessive thought patterns around food. At this point in my life I have had several days in a row without eating disorders and it has been very liberating. Since I have had these clear days it is interestingly enough I have had little OCD moments. Which means my mind is trying to rely on old coping mechanisms when the eating disorders are absent. It is amazing how the mind tries to protect itself. 

 

On a neurological level I have to imagine my brain as a huge intricate wired network. When I have a thought my brain sends electrical pulses, shot off by my synapses, though my neuro-net. This action creates a route in my brain so that the next time I have the thought the reaction will be quicker and will have memory. When you have obsessive thoughts the route has a terrific memory and like a muscle has a very strong connection. In fact the though pattern becomes easier and second nature when the route is perpetually reinforced by the thought. So when trying to stop biting your nails, to stop drinking, to stop falling into old thought patterns such as victimized thinking you have to reroute your neuro-net patterns.  This is why it is so difficult to end an addiction as your brain has been specifically wired to your obsession and has been reinforced every time you have that particular thought. It is not all doom and gloom though; you can re-wire your brain to a new set of thought patterns which requires time and energy. So when I have stopped my obsessive thinking with food my brain quite naturally reverted to an old way of handling anxiety with OCD. It is funny because I have not had OCD thoughts for many years but it tells me I am on the right track to recovery. 

In conjunction with synapses firing and neuro-nets lighting up the brain like a lighting storm, your hypothalamus releases peptides through the blood stream to all your cells in the body. These peptides are chemicals that prepare your body for what is coming at you. For example, you are walking down the street you see a person being mugged, your synapses fire, your neuro-nets light up and you have past memories of similar situations flood your brain and the same time your synapses fire somewhere else in the brain and prepare you for the flight or flight reaction. Simultaneously your hypothalamus starts producing chemicals called peptides into the blood stream which cause you to have an elevated heart rate, eyes and pupils fully dilated and muscles ready for either sprint or fight. It is amazing how this whole processes happens in a fraction of a second. 

With addiction people are not just addicted to the vice itself but the chemical reaction with the body and the rush that comes with it. An example of this is an adrenaline junkie. These people are addicted to the chemical high that goes along with jumping out of planes or speeding in their cars. Same goes with a person with an eating disorder, the vice is feeling low about yourself and numbing out not just the chemical reaction with food. This may sound backward but here is the line of thought: When having a low self esteem moment the thought sets off this reaction: the synapses fire with the strong neuro-net which in turn the hypothalamus then releases calming peptides through the blood stream and out to the cells. Bizarrely the people with the low self esteem have an addiction with the chemical released by the hypothalamus and is reinforced in the brain with strong nuro-connections. Then when food is consumed a message gets sent to the hypothalamus of the brain and a flood of peptides are sent out again to calm the body. So you can see anyone can be addicted to anything from sex, internet, gambling, lying, emotions to food. Yes, chemically and neurologically you can be addicted to feeling bad about yourself or even addicted to perpetually being in the victim role.

To get rid of an addiction you must replace it with something. That something most times than not is love, love for one’s self and the general feeling of acceptance. So ask yourself these questions: Do you love yourself? Are you your own best friend? Most people’s initial reaction to those questions is to laugh but when faced by times of trial bottom line is you only have yourself day in and day out. When you start searching for happiness outside yourself it can be disappointing and when you rely on happiness outside of yourself that is co-depend and gets you nowhere. If you are addicted: you are a good person. You are heard, you seen, you are loved. Now believe it! Nuff said peace out and werd to your mums! Love from Courtney

                                                             Real OCD a merciless foe

                                                      What a fucking mess.